Freida
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and its a win!!
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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally
- Post starter littleoc
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- #254
littleoc
VIP Member
Having some trouble sleeping. I'm very sure if I record my thoughts, it will be like when I make those lists for everything I need to do the next day. It leaves my mind because I no longer HAVE to remember it and go over it.
Sometimes I'm very worried that I was the one who f*cked by B.
I remember having weird thoughts about being amazed at how much she believed me, saying things to concince herself it was real. Like, "This is too intricate/elaborate to be made up." And I'd just go with it.
I got good at wording things. Good at making things that were insane, believable.
On the other side of the coin, though, anyone else I would have brought in would have known instantly it wasn't real. In fact, I relied on that to remember fact from fiction. So... who's to say I didn't seek out B the way she may have sought me out?
Who's to say that it couldn't be true that the relationship went bad after it was good because of something I did?
When it was happening, i felt this guilt I'm feeling now. Feeling like I was ruining someone's life, and I couldn't tell her "the truth" as it was called by her. I got scared of quotes such as from Jefferson saysing never to forget to question "the truth" and I would panic when she would question me about stuff in the fantasy matching literally any part of reality. I was terrified.
But I also enjoyed it. I had relied on that world to survive. Someone making it so real... felt better than real life. Better than anything.
But that had been true before I even met B.
I just worry I'm the one that dragged her in. But I guess even if I was, i still can't be fully to blame? Unless I brainwashed someone?
Why can't I just accept that I didn't do this on purpose? I regretted it the DAY she introduced me to a demon in her head. I felt weird about it. She told me that same day that I was a freak. Weird. Not right in the head.
Maybe I can't accept it because I know deep down that it was my fault. That I've always been like this and I really manipulated someone into believing my lies that I possibly even believed.
But I don't remember BELIEVING them. Not until B started taking it really seriously, after she broke up with Jamie.
And then I was forcing myself to, and scared of the idea that the more I "lied" the more I would really believe it. I'd end up insane like my dad. Everything he utters is a lie, but he really believes what he says. He's delusional.
But I never was. I tried to convince other professionals in 2013, when I had to tell hospital staff that my dad was abusing me and the risk I faced in doing that was to be put into Foster care. So it makes sense that 13-year-old me would say things that would make it seem like I was convincing them.
But, they didn't believe me. They didn't assume I was lying to them. They assumed my situation was serious and that I needed immediate assistance. They kept me for exactly 11 days. A lot happened in that 11 days.
Why does it feel like I hurt B on purpose? I felt so much guilt the entire time. But everything I had ever been through led up to my relationship with B.
I remember promising myself that I would never be the weird kid again, in 7th grade. I was maybe 12? I cried in a bathroom at school and started having suicidal thoughts. I thoughts of my cockatiel -- same one I have now -- to stabilize. I was the weird kid because I was always acting out weird stories (and the entire school was saying I was gay and did incest stuff with my twin brother). I would pretend and it would be ridiculous and obviously fiction. I would get people to care about the plots and plot twists.
I had promised myself I would never do that again.
Then in 8th grade I met Brandi and I sat by her in a science class during the RXE time. I have no idea what RXE stood for, but it was when we had about 25 minutes of freetime. At ssome point that was used as required walking time.
She was nice to me. I was attracted to her (in a friend way, at the time) and started sitting with her every day.
One day at the front of the room, we sat together. She told me that the only reason we were sitting together was because Jamie wasn't at school (she almost never was -- she and Brandi would miss more than a quarter of every school year playing hooky. People were surprised that either of them graduated high school. Brandi seems to have graduated because I did). She said Jamie was half of her soul, and she liked Jamie way more than she could ever like me.
It's weird middle school stuff, yes -- but the thing is? She never outgrew it. She'd eventually cheat on me in adulthood with Jamie.
She told me that other thing then -- that there was a demon in her head who was in love with a demon in Jamie's head.
And I thought it was a game. I wanted in on it. I realized it would be okay to be me and play along. I thought I'd finally be accepted.
Immediately afterward, reflecting on it as a middle school child, I got disappointed in myself. I felt I had fallen for a temptation and sinned. I felt I had lied -- but I can't remember lying. And I have a clear memory of everything else. So clear it freaks out my therapist a bit. But I don't remember lying.
In fact.... I remember playing along with B. Not vice versa. I remember listening to her talk about her Shirodi (shiro is Japanese for snow? I never looked it up. And -di goes with Brandi) and I listened and then played along by saying I knew it was ancient.
That's a child thing to do. Normal children would have grown out of it.
I remember being so flattered, when in May 2016 Brandi reached out to me. But "me" was Fungus. But.. she finally reached out to me. She trusted me. She needed help and she trusted me.
But I also, despite being flattered, felt scared and uncomfortable.
There is no way Brandi thought I was a Fungus. Right? Unless I brainwashed her, but why can't I remember it?
I was trying to stay away from stuff like that. Someone in college started talking to me about shadow people and I fought off the urge to say what I "knew" just fine. When she kept suggesting I knew more than I was letting on, when Ena started telling me elaborate stories that she was trying to get me involved in, saying she had special relationships with the supernatural creatures, I backed the hell off. I suggested she see a therapist very kindly. I did not feed into that.
When brandi and I stopped talking, she told me I had been cruel for sending her emails as other people. Other nonhuman people, I should say. They were never human. They were weird ass shit -- things kids make up. Not reality.
She told me I had taken advantage of her, and that meanwhile her demon thing with Jamie was consented for.
Why wasn't what I did consented for? Why was I the villain? What did I do to be hated so much by her that her last message to me was literally a curse?
Also, why was I ever friends with anyone who would spend their last messages ever with someone they loved once, cursing them?
Sometimes I'm very worried that I was the one who f*cked by B.
I remember having weird thoughts about being amazed at how much she believed me, saying things to concince herself it was real. Like, "This is too intricate/elaborate to be made up." And I'd just go with it.
I got good at wording things. Good at making things that were insane, believable.
On the other side of the coin, though, anyone else I would have brought in would have known instantly it wasn't real. In fact, I relied on that to remember fact from fiction. So... who's to say I didn't seek out B the way she may have sought me out?
Who's to say that it couldn't be true that the relationship went bad after it was good because of something I did?
When it was happening, i felt this guilt I'm feeling now. Feeling like I was ruining someone's life, and I couldn't tell her "the truth" as it was called by her. I got scared of quotes such as from Jefferson saysing never to forget to question "the truth" and I would panic when she would question me about stuff in the fantasy matching literally any part of reality. I was terrified.
But I also enjoyed it. I had relied on that world to survive. Someone making it so real... felt better than real life. Better than anything.
But that had been true before I even met B.
I just worry I'm the one that dragged her in. But I guess even if I was, i still can't be fully to blame? Unless I brainwashed someone?
Why can't I just accept that I didn't do this on purpose? I regretted it the DAY she introduced me to a demon in her head. I felt weird about it. She told me that same day that I was a freak. Weird. Not right in the head.
Maybe I can't accept it because I know deep down that it was my fault. That I've always been like this and I really manipulated someone into believing my lies that I possibly even believed.
But I don't remember BELIEVING them. Not until B started taking it really seriously, after she broke up with Jamie.
And then I was forcing myself to, and scared of the idea that the more I "lied" the more I would really believe it. I'd end up insane like my dad. Everything he utters is a lie, but he really believes what he says. He's delusional.
But I never was. I tried to convince other professionals in 2013, when I had to tell hospital staff that my dad was abusing me and the risk I faced in doing that was to be put into Foster care. So it makes sense that 13-year-old me would say things that would make it seem like I was convincing them.
But, they didn't believe me. They didn't assume I was lying to them. They assumed my situation was serious and that I needed immediate assistance. They kept me for exactly 11 days. A lot happened in that 11 days.
Why does it feel like I hurt B on purpose? I felt so much guilt the entire time. But everything I had ever been through led up to my relationship with B.
I remember promising myself that I would never be the weird kid again, in 7th grade. I was maybe 12? I cried in a bathroom at school and started having suicidal thoughts. I thoughts of my cockatiel -- same one I have now -- to stabilize. I was the weird kid because I was always acting out weird stories (and the entire school was saying I was gay and did incest stuff with my twin brother). I would pretend and it would be ridiculous and obviously fiction. I would get people to care about the plots and plot twists.
I had promised myself I would never do that again.
Then in 8th grade I met Brandi and I sat by her in a science class during the RXE time. I have no idea what RXE stood for, but it was when we had about 25 minutes of freetime. At ssome point that was used as required walking time.
She was nice to me. I was attracted to her (in a friend way, at the time) and started sitting with her every day.
One day at the front of the room, we sat together. She told me that the only reason we were sitting together was because Jamie wasn't at school (she almost never was -- she and Brandi would miss more than a quarter of every school year playing hooky. People were surprised that either of them graduated high school. Brandi seems to have graduated because I did). She said Jamie was half of her soul, and she liked Jamie way more than she could ever like me.
It's weird middle school stuff, yes -- but the thing is? She never outgrew it. She'd eventually cheat on me in adulthood with Jamie.
She told me that other thing then -- that there was a demon in her head who was in love with a demon in Jamie's head.
And I thought it was a game. I wanted in on it. I realized it would be okay to be me and play along. I thought I'd finally be accepted.
Immediately afterward, reflecting on it as a middle school child, I got disappointed in myself. I felt I had fallen for a temptation and sinned. I felt I had lied -- but I can't remember lying. And I have a clear memory of everything else. So clear it freaks out my therapist a bit. But I don't remember lying.
In fact.... I remember playing along with B. Not vice versa. I remember listening to her talk about her Shirodi (shiro is Japanese for snow? I never looked it up. And -di goes with Brandi) and I listened and then played along by saying I knew it was ancient.
That's a child thing to do. Normal children would have grown out of it.
I remember being so flattered, when in May 2016 Brandi reached out to me. But "me" was Fungus. But.. she finally reached out to me. She trusted me. She needed help and she trusted me.
But I also, despite being flattered, felt scared and uncomfortable.
There is no way Brandi thought I was a Fungus. Right? Unless I brainwashed her, but why can't I remember it?
I was trying to stay away from stuff like that. Someone in college started talking to me about shadow people and I fought off the urge to say what I "knew" just fine. When she kept suggesting I knew more than I was letting on, when Ena started telling me elaborate stories that she was trying to get me involved in, saying she had special relationships with the supernatural creatures, I backed the hell off. I suggested she see a therapist very kindly. I did not feed into that.
When brandi and I stopped talking, she told me I had been cruel for sending her emails as other people. Other nonhuman people, I should say. They were never human. They were weird ass shit -- things kids make up. Not reality.
She told me I had taken advantage of her, and that meanwhile her demon thing with Jamie was consented for.
Why wasn't what I did consented for? Why was I the villain? What did I do to be hated so much by her that her last message to me was literally a curse?
Also, why was I ever friends with anyone who would spend their last messages ever with someone they loved once, cursing them?
- Post starter
- #255
littleoc
VIP Member
Posting a separate post here that is part of that ^ one but contains disturbing content about babies who died. I think it's a good idea to warn because it's fairly upsetting.
Something really horrible (life threatening -- she almost died) happened to one of my family members and she lost her twin boys. They were removed from her uterus so early that their lungs and digestive systems weren't functioning yet. They wore coats that looked like Barbie clothes. They were so premature that they didn't have fat yet. Just a thin layer of muscle, but so thin they looked starved. They faces were drawn tightly like they were starving. They looked human but not quite. They made strange sounds. They were literally skin and bone otherwise.
They made my family member pick which one the doctors would focus on to save. Horrible. She couldn't pick obviously. They both died eventually. Sam died after about eighteen hours? Maybe a day and eighteen hours? But he tried. He tried so hard.
Timothy weight one pound more than Sam and he really put up a fight. He lasted more than a week. There was so much hope for him, and he really felt it and he tried so hard to thrive. But then his digestive system failed and the doctors had to do an emergency surgery. His lungs weren't strong enough for outside the womb yet. But the doctors wanted to use anesthesia and got his mom's permission -- no one wanted him to be in pain or even go into shock while they tried to help him digest so he could live. But his lungs weren't strong enough, and he died in his sleep, during the surgery.
I called Brandi to explain this to her.
She told me she was happy to hear it, because my family member would be a terrible mother.
And, to be fair, she may have been. She was using my other family member in an abusive way, and he was just going with it because he didn't know it was abuse. It wasn't his fault, but he would have been a good dad. An enabler in a dysfunctional family maybe, but it doesn't mean he shouldn't have had the chance.
And she? Yes, she was a piece of work. She tried to cheat on her boyfriend with Brandi once. Then when rejected made her boyfriend avoid Brandi and spread rumors.
And yes, this was back in high school. Freshman year, even.
To be fair, later she (not Brandi) tried to say what she did hadn't mattered and Brandi should get over it.
But does that mean that she deserved to lose Sam and Timothy?
How could she say she was GLAD that those babies had died?? Because their mom wasn't someone she liked??
Just... I couldn't fathom then either. I agreed awkwardly on the phone, but I was horrified.
So I wasn't surprised to get actual curses from Brandi after I told her I wasn't a Fungus.
How could someone be THAT hateful? I wish I had sent her pictures of the twin boys, fighting to survive.
Once in a biology class we were looking at human fetuses/embryos, and one of them was an example of what happens when the body plan genes are accidentally mixed into the wromg order.
It's induced on purpose in flies to see how the genes work. The middle of the body (of the maggot -- they don't make it to adulthood usually, and when they do the result is weird) will be out of order. A heart below a digestive system, a brain tucked under it.
But it's not so nightmarish in a baby fly, because on the outside -- yes, it looks weird and you can tell something is wrong with its body -- but the skin is smooth and it's still basically a small worm. Not nightmarish.
The professor showed us an image where that happened to a baby human. The head and chest were out of place. The brain didn't have the room needed so it was growing outside of his body (it was a baby boy). The eyes were in the chest. The heart was kind of in the head area, and really I probably shouldn't be describing this.
I sincerely doubt I was the only student who was horrified in that classroom. A dean asked him later to please refrain from showing disturbing content later and he ranted about it to us before he was probably fired.
I should have gotten a picture of that baby for Brandi to see. Because some mother out there was grieving this poor child did his best to grow and people like Brandi were willing to say it was a good thing.
And meanwhile I currently feel guilt for something that wasn't even my fault. AND I'm still sad about all three of those baby boys.
My family member will never be able to have children again, by the way.
But yes, let's say she didn't deserve it. That's fine, Brandi, not completely unthinkable to a normal person or anything
Something really horrible (life threatening -- she almost died) happened to one of my family members and she lost her twin boys. They were removed from her uterus so early that their lungs and digestive systems weren't functioning yet. They wore coats that looked like Barbie clothes. They were so premature that they didn't have fat yet. Just a thin layer of muscle, but so thin they looked starved. They faces were drawn tightly like they were starving. They looked human but not quite. They made strange sounds. They were literally skin and bone otherwise.
They made my family member pick which one the doctors would focus on to save. Horrible. She couldn't pick obviously. They both died eventually. Sam died after about eighteen hours? Maybe a day and eighteen hours? But he tried. He tried so hard.
Timothy weight one pound more than Sam and he really put up a fight. He lasted more than a week. There was so much hope for him, and he really felt it and he tried so hard to thrive. But then his digestive system failed and the doctors had to do an emergency surgery. His lungs weren't strong enough for outside the womb yet. But the doctors wanted to use anesthesia and got his mom's permission -- no one wanted him to be in pain or even go into shock while they tried to help him digest so he could live. But his lungs weren't strong enough, and he died in his sleep, during the surgery.
I called Brandi to explain this to her.
She told me she was happy to hear it, because my family member would be a terrible mother.
And, to be fair, she may have been. She was using my other family member in an abusive way, and he was just going with it because he didn't know it was abuse. It wasn't his fault, but he would have been a good dad. An enabler in a dysfunctional family maybe, but it doesn't mean he shouldn't have had the chance.
And she? Yes, she was a piece of work. She tried to cheat on her boyfriend with Brandi once. Then when rejected made her boyfriend avoid Brandi and spread rumors.
And yes, this was back in high school. Freshman year, even.
To be fair, later she (not Brandi) tried to say what she did hadn't mattered and Brandi should get over it.
But does that mean that she deserved to lose Sam and Timothy?
How could she say she was GLAD that those babies had died?? Because their mom wasn't someone she liked??
Just... I couldn't fathom then either. I agreed awkwardly on the phone, but I was horrified.
So I wasn't surprised to get actual curses from Brandi after I told her I wasn't a Fungus.
How could someone be THAT hateful? I wish I had sent her pictures of the twin boys, fighting to survive.
Once in a biology class we were looking at human fetuses/embryos, and one of them was an example of what happens when the body plan genes are accidentally mixed into the wromg order.
It's induced on purpose in flies to see how the genes work. The middle of the body (of the maggot -- they don't make it to adulthood usually, and when they do the result is weird) will be out of order. A heart below a digestive system, a brain tucked under it.
But it's not so nightmarish in a baby fly, because on the outside -- yes, it looks weird and you can tell something is wrong with its body -- but the skin is smooth and it's still basically a small worm. Not nightmarish.
The professor showed us an image where that happened to a baby human. The head and chest were out of place. The brain didn't have the room needed so it was growing outside of his body (it was a baby boy). The eyes were in the chest. The heart was kind of in the head area, and really I probably shouldn't be describing this.
I sincerely doubt I was the only student who was horrified in that classroom. A dean asked him later to please refrain from showing disturbing content later and he ranted about it to us before he was probably fired.
I should have gotten a picture of that baby for Brandi to see. Because some mother out there was grieving this poor child did his best to grow and people like Brandi were willing to say it was a good thing.
And meanwhile I currently feel guilt for something that wasn't even my fault. AND I'm still sad about all three of those baby boys.
My family member will never be able to have children again, by the way.
But yes, let's say she didn't deserve it. That's fine, Brandi, not completely unthinkable to a normal person or anything
- Post starter
- #256
littleoc
VIP Member
Reading over it, am I just having a hard time accepting that I'm not perfect? But in a not-narcissistic way?
Because no matter how I try to remember it as my fault, I'm not able to do it. Wven when I actually try.
But I really feel it's my fault. But I don't. But I do.
Because no matter how I try to remember it as my fault, I'm not able to do it. Wven when I actually try.
But I really feel it's my fault. But I don't. But I do.
Freida
VIP Member
Lets start with my favorite phrase --- you were a CHILD.
A conversation to think about having with your T ---Kids don't have brains that are developed enough to commit crimes or plans at the level you are blaming yourself for. That's why most courts won't charge a child under the age of 12 for a crime. You are looking back through the lense of an adult, so your thinking process is that of an adult. But your actions were that of a child. I'm guessing this is why you are confused. I do the same thing -- look back at young me with the life experiences of old me and wonder why i didn't do things differently.
Could you have drug her into the fantasy world you created? Sure. Because you were kids. Kids love fantasy worlds. That's why Disney exists with all it's movies and parks and billions of dollars. Did you force who to stay there? Nope. How do I know?
Because you are giving yourself way to much power darlin! Brainwashing to that level is what the adults did to you. Not what you did to others.
A conversation to think about having with your T ---Kids don't have brains that are developed enough to commit crimes or plans at the level you are blaming yourself for. That's why most courts won't charge a child under the age of 12 for a crime. You are looking back through the lense of an adult, so your thinking process is that of an adult. But your actions were that of a child. I'm guessing this is why you are confused. I do the same thing -- look back at young me with the life experiences of old me and wonder why i didn't do things differently.
Could you have drug her into the fantasy world you created? Sure. Because you were kids. Kids love fantasy worlds. That's why Disney exists with all it's movies and parks and billions of dollars. Did you force who to stay there? Nope. How do I know?
Because you are giving yourself way to much power darlin! Brainwashing to that level is what the adults did to you. Not what you did to others.
- Post starter
- #258
littleoc
VIP Member
That makes sense
- Post starter
- #259
littleoc
VIP Member
I spent this morning in a lot of pain. I can't figure out what triggers it, but this time it was the worst pain of my life and I was doubled over on the floor trying pretty desperately not to throw up. I just kept telling myself to get through it and after two extremely long hours I did
Having some aftershocks though? Sitting with a heat pack. I can't call my service dog to get my Meds in the house I'm living in. I store her best out of her reach here because I have no choice.
Maybe I should call a doctor. This should have stopped. My ovary didn't do it this time.
Don't worry, it's not my appendix :P
But it feels nice to at least remember that I was a child and that wasn't my fault even if I did start it.
Maybe I'm most upset because it lasted until last year, and I was 22.
But to be fair, I'm still young anyway. (?) I frequently feel 10, 11, or 15. And this was lasting for one hell of a long time, and I do recall some major manipulation. Not just from Brandi.
And I was scared to tell her the "truth," but I did, with support from friends. I needed support. And that night was one of the worst.
And, I had the TBIs. And another trauma in college (which honestly hasn't bothered me nearly as much somehow?).
The more i try to say it wasn't my fault, the more I worry that it's proof that it is my fault, because I have a guilty conscience. But it wasn't my fault. I never wanted that to happen.
I think once I finally believe it wasn't my fault then I'll be able to heal properly. But if I could sit through two hours of what felt worse than torture this morning than I should be fine sitting through guilt while reminding myself repeatly "you have a right to not feel guilty" and that should work eventually. One day I'll be tough and people won't be able to mess with me unless they make me sad for them -- then I'll be sad for them and either help within my boundaries or I'll move on with my life and wish them well, like I did at Brandi.
Having some aftershocks though? Sitting with a heat pack. I can't call my service dog to get my Meds in the house I'm living in. I store her best out of her reach here because I have no choice.
Maybe I should call a doctor. This should have stopped. My ovary didn't do it this time.
Don't worry, it's not my appendix :P
But it feels nice to at least remember that I was a child and that wasn't my fault even if I did start it.
Maybe I'm most upset because it lasted until last year, and I was 22.
But to be fair, I'm still young anyway. (?) I frequently feel 10, 11, or 15. And this was lasting for one hell of a long time, and I do recall some major manipulation. Not just from Brandi.
And I was scared to tell her the "truth," but I did, with support from friends. I needed support. And that night was one of the worst.
And, I had the TBIs. And another trauma in college (which honestly hasn't bothered me nearly as much somehow?).
The more i try to say it wasn't my fault, the more I worry that it's proof that it is my fault, because I have a guilty conscience. But it wasn't my fault. I never wanted that to happen.
I think once I finally believe it wasn't my fault then I'll be able to heal properly. But if I could sit through two hours of what felt worse than torture this morning than I should be fine sitting through guilt while reminding myself repeatly "you have a right to not feel guilty" and that should work eventually. One day I'll be tough and people won't be able to mess with me unless they make me sad for them -- then I'll be sad for them and either help within my boundaries or I'll move on with my life and wish them well, like I did at Brandi.
- Post starter
- #260
littleoc
VIP Member
Horrible pain and dark urine, but kidneys don't hurt. Liver seems fine -- no intense itching or yellow skin, no swollen vessels, got hungry earlier even.
I'd say I got food poisoning somehow. And that's totally fine -- I can take care of that on my own! :)
I'd say I got food poisoning somehow. And that's totally fine -- I can take care of that on my own! :)
LuckiLee
VIP Member
Could also be a bladder infection...
Take care of yourself!
Take care of yourself!
- Post starter
- #262
littleoc
VIP Member
Still a little weird, since by the time I was having that much pain I hadn't eaten in 12 hours.... but whatever, it's probably fine :P
- Post starter
- #263
littleoc
VIP Member
I'll keep that in mind! No pain there though. There is a weird pain in my lower chest, but maybe it'll go away when I'm rehydrated?
I guess we'll see! :D
LuckiLee
VIP Member
Yep. Dehydration can cause discolored urine. Get some fluids in you. Pronto!
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