Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Is it bad to have urges to visit porn forums that have to do with your abuse?

Just blurting it out. I’ve been wanting to ask since 2014. I am trying to be a not disgusting person, though, and am terrified of judgement. I can’t talk about it with a therapist. She’d be disgusted. I feel like I’m in the closet worse-than-gay or something. But not unless it‘s late. Takes me forever to recover so then I don’t sleep well. In the daytime I don’t have the temptation. All it does it make me miserable. I don’t even get off on it.

I probably shouldn’t post this. It makes me seem a lot less stable than I am. Ugh.

 

[littleoc]

I’m too afraid to explain. Don’t ask any questions. Please know I’m a normal person.

 

[littleoc]

Nothing gets me off. A therapist told me to try actual porn but all it did was scare me. Brandi wanted sex every single night. Sometimes multiple times a day. Then suddenly nothing because she felt bad that she was cheating. No, not felt bad for cheating on me. She hates me for going to university and then Belize. She was upset that she was cheating on the person she was cheating on me with. Even though Brandi was Jamie’s side bitch at the time. As soon as they made it official they were dating, Brandi demanded I get used to it and said we had never dated. I was just delusional. And creepy. And a stalker. Brandi told me she still loved me when I snuck out and asked my mom to come get me at four am. Luckily my mom was already on her way. My mom said she’d save me any time.

 

[littleoc]

I was messed up because I was still thinking about the sex even though I wasn’t even enjoying it. Ever since we broke up I haven’t been able to think of it at all. I just feel disgusting. And that forum is making it worse. I only access it through a tor browser. I feel disgusting. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep having flashbacks about pedo f*cking his dog and it feels like I’m just trying to get control of the flashbacks. I can’t talk about this here. I’m too terrified.

 

[littleoc]

Deep breaths. Okay, now. I think I had a... flashback, thing. Am good now.

 

[littleoc]

Doing okay! Should probably get some sleep. :)

 

[littleoc]

I forgot to mention some progress I made!! I can now sit down and get assignments done — more than one at a time :)

My professor said my book review was more of an essay except that it also lacked opinion. I admitted that I was afraid to say that I disliked the book. She told me to go ahead and get used to people disagreeing with me.

Something to work on. Not a bad thing to work on! Thanks, not a therapist, lol.

 

[littleoc]

I guess that counts as a self harm relapse? I don’t know why I looked it up. It’s the only social media he might be on. But not like he’s going to share his actual name.

I’m sorry, I’m not sure what my brain is doing. I’m going to go to sleep now





I forgot to mention the anniversaries. Oh well. There was one, for the record

 

[ILoveLife]

:hug:
You'll be okay littleoc.
I did the same thing over watching similar to what was done to me. It's fine, it will pass.
Just need to start talking about it.

Have you considered looking for a new T?
I'm very taken aback by this one you're currently seeing.

 

[littleoc]

Thank you. I actually logged back in to delete those, lol.

If you’re talking about the porn advice, the T who suggested that was booted. And neither insurance nor I had you pay for a single session of the year long period. Which was nice because I was going weekly and she was charging weird amounts. Her therapy business failed last I saw. Her lisence said “feminist.” Dangerous bitch.

She was kinda nice though. She could have been cool. She had good intentions I think. But was an idiot with weird problems. Quit seeing her after she told me my friends were too male, too welathy, too white, and obviously oppressing me. And tried to set me up with someone because she “shipped” us. I seriously think she didn’t mean any harm but, well. She’s not my business anymore lol

 

[littleoc]

?

 

[ILoveLife]

Quit seeing her after she told me my friends were too male, too welathy, too white, and obviously oppressing me.

LOL obviously

I had one *post-graduate* that kept telling me to call her Dr. It weirded me out, I don't call anyone Dr. It was the same that screamed abuse at everything that happened to me, and who told me gays are not adequate parents. Yep. She did help with some stuff though.

Ok, go to sleep! I won't tire you again tonight. I just woke up so I'm fresh :) :hug: