Hey sorry, I swear I’ll answer normal eventually. My head has been hurting (severely) for days. I think I need to lay low for a bit. The light from my phone doesn’t help :/
Did go to synagogue anyway. Got a little relief there. Also dinner!
Someone celebrated their 100th birthday. She looked 70-80 :0
@bellbird I do have an Instagram! Maybe when we’re online at the same time we could trade info? I can edit my posts! I tend to post a bunch at once, then forgot I have it for like three months lol
And have I mentioned I hate Z?
Brandi and I would buy each other gifts. Fungus bought her gifts too but they were usually a bit different, like washing and drying machines that don’t require installation. (I hear they saved Brandi a lot of quarters. Which was good, because I felt awkward when she demanded quarters one time..) A few times she bought me crazy expensive things. She also told my family that she couldn’t imagine living without me because I took care of her so well, and she used to go out of her way to make it to our Thanksgiving Dinner.
It’s just... weird? how it went so wrong from there. It was right as I came back from Belize. She was extremely jealous that I went to Belize. Started sending me texts saying she hated me. Although when I managed to message her from the middle of the ocean she got pretty excited to hear from me. My name was “Buddy” or “My Becca” and it was a nice time until she got back with Jamie.
Jamie is a sociopath that kills baby animals. I told brandi to stay away from that. Not like Brandi didn’t know, coz they dated in middle school, and Brandi HATED her. Kept spreading vicious rumors that most people were extremely uncomfortable with her spreading, including me. They were messed up rumors. Anyway, brandi is... not bright, and cheated on me with Jamie. Jamie saw me as competition and started putting up a fight. It’s the one time I snuck out of Brandi’s house. I had been living there. I couldn’t handle it anymore.
It’s sad to think about. I think Brandi was becoming more abrasive because she needed proof that I was worse than Jamie so she could stop being between us. She was having trouble with her family hating (1) that she was dating a “woman” (though Brandi is a huge homophobe as well..) and (2) that she was even hanging out with Jamie at all.
To be fair, though, Jamie was treating Brandi exactly how Brandi was treating
me. Except Brandi also treated me like a slave. Which I just put up with because I wanted to support the relationship...? I wanted to be nice. I didn’t realize it was odd yet. College friends showed me that it was odd.
Also Brandi was forcing me to pretend certain things were real that weren’t. At the threat of insanity and death/s.
I really think if she had gotten therapy that she would have made a good friend.
I may be having those thoughts because it’s the Winter Solstice. Our family celebrates that very gently. It’s a great time to mourn change and grieve what’s lost that hasn’t yet been greived.
You light a candle, think of those things, blow it out. Then light another one and make it about the new stuff ahead. Light and stuff :)
Fungus was going to invite Brandi to that, but now it’s just ours. She claimed she was atheist, then agnostic, then she went kind of pagan. Just kind of. It was the faeries that captured her imagination. She told me I destroyed that. I did not, I can’t control entire belief systems, shockingly.
I can’t really stay mad at people very long, as you can tell... except my dad. He disgusts me.
Although when he calls I still really want to answer. But then I remember he claimed he loves my sister and never almost got her killed and never neglected her, that he probably got me kidnapped for attention, and that he pretends my little brother was never born because he “lied” about being sexually abused. Also the woman be killed. Also the fact that he is probably only calling me to impress someone and he hasn’t apologized for anything.
Actually, no. He apologized for one thing. He said he was sorry he made me cry.
Not good enough.
But he hasn’t called me, texted me, or tagged me in any posts on Facebook since I didn’t answer that one call. Either he thinks he’s punishing me, thinks I’m not the one to call to sound impressive to his lady prizes, or he is worried he’s bothering or annoying me. Last time I did answer he pretended to be sick. And for some reason had a five year old that he legit didn’t realize he should act like was a person. So I don’t know.
My dad probably would not improve with therapy. He was given the chance. I don’t think he can at this point.
I just really hate being angry. Boundaries are fine though. I blocked Brandi a long time ago and though I will forgive, I doubt it’s worth another chance. When I tried to get healthier, she panicked and pulled me back. And I wouldn’t have it anymore. She’s immature and lacking confidence. She needed my approval for everything.
Yet wouldn’t admit we were dating. Then claimed we never did. So I guess I was worth a ton.
I’m not sure that she understood how lucky she was to have me. She did fine understanding it at first. But then Jamie showed up and Brandi suddenly always hated me. Would sit on my lap until Jamie showed up, then fearfully pull away and check to make sure Jamie didn’t notice.
It was very odd, and I’m aware abuse was happening, and I still don’t think it justified Brandi’s behavior toward me. I wanted to be there for her to help her get away from Jamie, but... it wasn’t worth my sanity. I thought about breaking them up from afar but decided not to meddle. It’s not my responsibility. And maybe it was a little karma? Makes me sad and confused. It’s easier to talk about Brandi being nice or mean, but she was usually nice and that’s what is most confusing. She genuinely loved me at one point. But was ashamed of it too.
