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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

I'm just venting, don't worry about this post. <3

I didn't go to therapy this week because the night before I realized I didn't know what I am supposed to talk about anymore, and then I couldn't sleep. Then I slept for like, I don't know, two days straight. I wasn't able to drive so haven't picked up my meds. I take 4 in the morning, but lately have had to only take 3 every morning, and today, only 1 because it's all I had. I doubled it to be sure I was okay.

At night I take 5 medications. Lately I've only been taking 4, and that's good enough I guess.

I genuinely think therapy is starting to become a hassle. I just can't seem to get back to a point where EMDR is even a question. All these medication shortages, housing shortages, food shortages, etc. It's like everything I have is up for debate at any second. I still have all my animals and that's what I'm fighting for, but I'm afraid I will lose them, now that they've all imprinted on me, and that there will be nothing to fight for anymore.

I've given up on almost all of my dreams and am trying, uncomfortably, to fit into a wet box with rocks at the bottom without floating to the top of the lake, because it's all I have. My friend reminds me constantly that no one is supposed to amount to anything, and that's not the point of life, and I agree. But, well. I had a lot to live for once. I'm really tired of having to feel like I was supposed to be something else. I don't even feel real anymore. I guess the alternative would have been having imposter syndrome, so, whatever. Probably being yelled at for getting my math wrong because I got too many head injuries to figure it out anymore and people think I'm an idiot for it.

I really look up to the Green brothers, as I wanted to BE them before they were anything and before I knew they existed. I haven't been able to watch their content lately because it's started to cause physical pain. Which sucks, because they are an endless source of good news.

I know my grandmother was proud of me, but I wish I had been honest with her more. I wish I would have told her that the reason we weren't as close lately was because I was being forced to hide my mom's behavior and how it hurt us.

Really, I don't even WANT to "amount" to anything anymore these days, anyway. I can't stand the attention. I don't want people to understand me, or acknowledge me, or care about me, or show me an ounce of empathy. Any perception of me is unwanted, even anyone just skimming these words. Honestly, and I hate saying it, but I still wish I could passively fade off without anyone being concerned about it.

So, in other words, a good time for Chanukkah this year. The hardest part of the year for people (and critters) living in the northern hemisphere, in general, as the body attempts to adjust to the new day and night cycle, the new temperatures, or simply realizes it can't, doesn't try, and prepares to die instead. Natural, normal, beautiful.

In a weird sort of low, it's the first time I didn't light a candle. Or was that last year? I don't know. Guess it's time to symbolically bright more light into the night, and say things like "wow, this oil is lasting for days," haha.

So anyway, enough moping: Gonna walk my dog and sleep soon.

First:
Three positives from the day:
  1. Got to play toontown. My connection was lost twice and second time I didn't try to get back in. I am a little too depressed at the moment to feel anything fun from my favorite game, but at least I tried and used the time to also watch funny videos and try to make sure I'm hydrated and fed.
  2. I know how to recognize when I'm depressed and guesstimate what in my life, physically, could be making it worse.
  3. My grandmother's death hasn't affected my living state yet. Aka I am warm, have water, and somewhere to keep my animals for today, and probably tomorrow, and probably the day after that, and the day after that, and the day --

Three times I felt safe:
  1. Sitting here letting my thoughts out
  2. Being alone before my mother got home (no one asking me questions)
  3. Laying in the dark with my phone dead (before mother returned home)

Times I felt determined or etc.:
  • I still feel determined to not lose any animals
  • It is very good that I was able to identify my triggers today: depression related to sleeping too long, waking up in the dark, having to try to talk to my nephew and sister and mother suddenly, guilt from being unable to wake up for service doggy causing her to have to pee in the house (very happy she felt able to do this, because in the past she would have been too afraid to and I've been working on letting her know she won't be in trouble if this happens), watching a video that reminded me of my hopelessness because I can not just be given the money I would need to get out of my situation anymore, watching Hank Green talk about another new project to benefit more people somewhere else in the world (which shouldn't have triggered me but I guess it's useless to judge), worrying about if I'll be able to afford cat food before next year because I have to ask for help from other people, etc
 
littleoc said:
How do y'all get energy to cook?

I know this might sound silly but I keep going into the kitchen, looking around, maybe even prepping, and then just falling asleep sitting or whatever and not actually being able to finish or eat a finished product. Or I force myself to finish and it takes me my entire day to make oatmeal. I feel like I'm doing something wrong that should help with the energy level....?

I have two chairs in the kitchen. It's a kind of cluttered kitchen because I can't throw away ALL of my mom's stuff, but I've got it to where it's clean enough to use. One chair is a bit short but has a cushion on it, and it did have a table (like a couch tv-dinner foldable table) for cutting things but my mom took it and is using it for storage, basically. The second chair is a bar stool with a back, counter high. There's on average 2 or 3 feet counter space available (small kitchen with lots of items because of bad storage mostly), though using the chair on one side of the kitchen is easier than the other (the broken dishwasher broke the floor on one side).

The refrigerator is pretty small but works. I'm dry brining a turkey in there right now, though, which is pretty exciting. Took me two weeks to actually do it but the turkey itself is still good (and totally thawed).

I think my weakness is mainly how slow I am, and how to work into the energy level? I'm not really sure?

ETA: I think I'm also struggling a bit with anything that requires me to do something I can't picture clearly?
Click to expand...
That's something pretty nonthreatening I could take to therapy lol
 
This is harder to do than it looks. Had to just do the distortions first to figure out what thoughts are hurting me to figure out what thoughts I actually want to be having (if any)

(Thought Organization/ Perspective Spectrum)​

Helpful​

Unhelpful​

True​

I want/deserve basic things I need for survival. True because I wish I did, helpful because it helps me see from a distance that most of the issues I have right now are not my fault/I am doing my best with what I have

I do not have all the resources other people have at my age, or had at my age. Helpful because it makes me feel better instead of worse, true because this is fact-based in reality

I am doing a lot of work to be where I am, even if no one recognized it, which many may do. Includes a little bit of mindreading, but still mostly true because the first two phrases are fact based. Helpful because it makes me feel a LOT better.

I don't want to get better anymore because of all the hard work I did to get better seeming wasted after getting better and then worse, but I know it's okay to take breaks and allow myself to rest and grieve. Improved statement of this statement -->

I do not have to be worth it to other people or important to other people to get better, be admired, or be important. 		I would like to be as important as John or Hank Green. Unhelpful bc not possible/mean to self/makes me feel worse.

You do not have to amount to anything and can just live your life and enjoy it day to day. While true, and potentially helpful to most people, does not work for me and is unhelpful (for me) because it requires me to invalidate the strong feelings of grief I have for the life I want, and (to me) does not feel like there is room for improvement if i JUST want to be happy. While other's with this goal are completely valid, I would struggle because I feel this is the bare minimum I wanted AND there are things I want more than happiness, as listed in a previous post

I don't want to get better anymore because I've worked so hard and feel like I have gotten nowhere after getting so much better. While important to validate emotions, it is unhelpful to focus on not trying at all

Untrue​

Some people admire me. Helpful to say to myself, but will not impress my depressed brain or allow it to move to logical points rather than emotional ones because I cannot prove who does or doesn't, and I would not ask this question of anyone

One day I will be rich and everyone including me will love me and admire me greatly. Untrue bc it predicts the future, mind reads, and assumes an untrue fact, which is that I must be rich to be admired, or admired to be loved

I will never have enough money to be comfortable ever again. Untrue bc can't predict the future/unhelpful bc the thought makes me feel worse

I am not like how I wanted to be, so I am completely worthless. Untrue because no one HAS to amount to anything and can simply enjoy life, and unhelpful because it makes me feel bad

No one admires me. Can't be true, and also makes me feel bad.

​

Using list of thought distortions by TherapistAid.com worksheet handout: Cognitive Distortions (Worksheet) | Therapist Aid

Distortions here include:
  • Magnification: Feeling completely helpless because of my current circumstances. Eventually I will get on disability and/or decide to get a job rather than be poor and miserable forever. I forgot the future exists because I am stuck in this moment that I know will be better if I try to sleep
  • Minimalization, maybe? Thinking I haven't already accomplished a lot and that absolutely no one sees any worth in me?
  • Catastrophizing?: Thinking I will be useless and not important to anyone ever?
  • Overgeneralization: I feel like I'm nothing right now, therefore I am
  • Jumping to conclusions: I am nothing -- do I have evidence for that statement? 🤔 It seems to be that I am using my emotions AS my evidence, and if I try to think of examples of how I am nothing, I can't come up with anything based in reality, except for things that are unhelpful or untrue ^ (such as "I am not like how I wanted to be, so I am completely worthless").
  • Mind reading: a little, because I'm assuming no one else finds worth in someone who is normal, maybe?
  • Emotional Reasoning: Feeling like I am nothing is not evidence that I am nothing
  • Disqualifying the positive: I am doing a lot more work right now just to "stay in place" than it looks. Life is hard. Being depressed about it might even be normal and does not mean I am worthless or will never "amount" to anything.
  • "Should" Statements: The thought that I "should" be doing better or doing something else by now. If there was somewhere I was supposed to be and should have been by now, it failed to quantify the assistance I'd need.
  • All or nothing thinking: I am worthless or I am Hank or John Green. There is no in between?

In conclusion, this leaves me with these affirmations:
  1. I want and deserve basic things I need for survival.
  2. Though it may feel that way, I am not worthless if I do not have proper shelter, food, am an outcast, don't fit into society, etc.
  3. Just because I am not "all better" now does not mean that I never will be again, so don't give up just because you want to.
  4. Take a break and rest for however long you need to instead of giving up forever.
  5. There is nothing wrong with looking up to John and Hank Green, but don't compare your life to theirs. Keep in mind they are also struggling with mental illness and may have more resources than you do.
  6. Even if no one on Earth recognize it, I am doing a lot of work to be where I am.
  7. I do not have to be worth it to other people or important to other people to get better, be admired, or be important.
Might work on this in therapy, as well as bring up my list of things more important to me than happiness, and my struggles with cooking meals.
 
Does watching this count as coping ?

Gotta get my mind off of every step in this house being difficult lol -- in bed and less claustrophobic now tho 😌
 
littleoc said:
In conclusion, this leaves me with these affirmations:
  1. I want and deserve basic things I need for survival.
  2. Though it may feel that way, I am not worthless if I do not have proper shelter, food, am an outcast, don't fit into society, etc.
  3. Just because I am not "all better" now does not mean that I never will be again, so don't give up just because you want to.
  4. Take a break and rest for however long you need to instead of giving up forever.
  5. There is nothing wrong with looking up to John and Hank Green, but don't compare your life to theirs. Keep in mind they are also struggling with mental illness and may have more resources than you do.
  6. Even if no one on Earth recognize it, I am doing a lot of work to be where I am.
  7. I do not have to be worth it to other people or important to other people to get better, be admired, or be important.
Click to expand...
These are really, really solid. And you worked for them. This would be worth bookmarking and coming back to frequently. Well done :)
 
Wow! Just. WOW!!!

next time you are thinking you arent successful go back and read that table YOU created -because it's freaking brilliant. And I"m guessing I'm not the only one who will take a lot away from it that is super helpful - like a couple of the affirmations. Hope ya don't mind that I'm stealing them! 🤗
 
Not at all :) In glad my last therapist left me with the table to work with, it's been one of my best coping strategies. I struggle to think clearly through the brain fog, I guess lol




Also, maybe Chanukkah is hard because my grandmother died
 
Thank you! We did!

The hallway got to be 80°F/27°C before we were able to come out because of all the mammals and singular bird -- the reptiles all looked happy (including the bird) about it tho.

Family and friends alive at least, still learning details, but now I'm tired and may shower and rest
 

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