Comedy - Welcome To Doctor Doppemhiyer's Clinic! (lol)

[JohnnyM53]

Attention K-Mart Shoppers!

(Spoken with a Swedish/hungarian accent)

Dear Members,

Are you all vell? No vun is sick no more? Sheesh!!

I opened my clinic a veek ago and only a few people wrote in to ask for help.

I NEED PATIENTS!!!!!! Please write....PLEASE??!!??!

Sincerely

Doc DVD


bcc. Nurse Ratchet Please file under possible bankruptcy file and send copy to my accountant. Sheeesh...:doh:

PS: Since vee have no patients right now, vood you like to go to lunch vit
me on Flyday? Vee don't have to do Starbucks again you know. That was a vun time ting. I care for you - velly velly much. You are such a good vorker Nurse Ratchet.:Hug_emoticon:

You might vant to start updating your resumé just in case :(

 

[JohnnyM53]

Dear Dr. Doppenhiyer


My family doctor suspects something is wrong. Last year, I was feeling very depressed, maybe because of my age, the work that must done throughout the year and the economy I would imagine.

He prescribed the anti-depressant Prozac. Since then, I feel very excited, don’t need much sleep, talk very, very fast, HO-HO-HO a hundred miles an hour, am overly energetic, and I’m also going to the casino often, sometimes betting large amounts of money.

I’m sure you’ll understand that, because of who I am, I can’t be seen in the waiting room of a psychiatrist. What would children and parents think?!

So I thought I would check with you to see if maybe you could offer some on-line advice.

Ho-Ho-Hopelessly yours,

Santa Claus


(spoken with a Swedish- Hungarian accent)

Dear Santa,

I am verry sorry to hear that you are going through a tough year.

Based on all you have told me, I suspect that you have BPDOS – short for Bipolar Disorder of Santas.

This is caused by your working too long in the North Pole and spending your summers in the South Pole – hence bi-pole-ar.

According to the DSM (Depressed Santa Manual), you maybe be experiencing a manic episode.

Vat I propose to do is mail you some anti-santa-chotic medication vit should take care of the problem.

Please let me know how you are doing in a few weeks.

Sincerely,

Doc DVD


Bcc. Nurse Ratchet – he’s real! I didn’t know that – did you? Vat do you vant for Christmas? Anything in particular? Say, perhaps, a bit of romance in your life?

 

[ISupportHer]

Santa Syndrome?

Hey Doc,

I'm not sure you can help me. (was that a smirk?)

I have weird things happening and sone weird compulsions lately. (was that another smirk?)

When I sit in public places, kids want to sit on my lap and tell me what they want for Christmas! I know I am getting older, maybe slightly graying. Or could it be by "bowl full of jelly"? The way I laugh? I AM always humming Christmas tunes! I can still hear the sleigh bell. (Polar Express reference in case you are slow. No BECAUSE you are slow)

I also tend to notice chimneys for some reason.

Should I be worried? Should I rest up before December 24th?

Maybe watch what I eat? My motto has always been to "eat, drink and be merry (I prefer jolly) for tomorrow you may die(t).

Ho, ho, ho

ISH

 

[a3a2]

Doc,

Ya gotta help me! My kids were in a theater production last week, and now I think they are suffering from Post Dramatic Stress Disorder! They keep walking around the house singing show tunes at the top of their lungs. What can I do?! If I hear "Oklahoma" one more time I'm gonna scream!

 

[a3a2]

P.S. I know a good colon cleanse should always be the first line of defense against PDSD, and I've tried that, but now they are just singing in the bathroom!

 

[JohnnyM53]

Pictures of Doctor Doppemhier are available under my public profile.

 

[JohnnyM53]

Dear ISH

Thank you so much for your letter.

Based on the description of your perceived symptoms, I vould venture to guess that you suffer from a unique form of DID (Dis-a**ho**-tiave Identity Disorder - a.k.a Multiple Personalities à la Santa Fetish Syndrome.

In your case, you seem not only attracted to Santa related themes and objects, but others perceive you in that role because you play it so convincingly.

This is the hallmark of a true multiple. You look the part, act the part, sing the part, and as a result, are the part.

This is indeed serious as legal action could be taken against you by the true Santa for reasons of identity theft.

There is hope for you, however. ECT has proven to be an effective treatment for the disengaging of non-existing personalities within the core personality.

In view of your comments regarding my slowness, your ECT treatment will be free-hee-hee to get rid of your ho-ho-ho vunce and for all.

SINcerely

Doc DVD

bcc. Nurse Ratchet -ven ISH comes in for his treatment, I want you to go out for lunch and put the closed sign on the door....nyuk-nyuk-nyuk

 

[gdf]

Consultation???

Deer-est Heir Doktor D,

Dis is your colleague, Fraline Jungfra vondering if you vish a consultation und de last patient wit the Santa Claus problem. I fear that you are correct and that ECT may be und appropriate terapy but you must vatch the amount of voltage used as it may dim his Christmas lighting dishplay. I vould recommend most heartily de second form of the ECT vitch ist de Exposure to Christmas Terapy. Ja? Do you agree? It is und effective terapy ven used in combination vith some of de current medications and pharmaceuticals vitch vee have available.

Varmest regards,

Fraline J.

PS Did you receive the memo as de Santa Claus reindeer have been purchased by ACME Pharmeceuticals? Vee must now use the new names in any official correspondence. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blizten vill now be officially referred to as
Tegretol, Celexah, Prozak and Vitorin, Klonopin and Lexopro, Downer and Atovan. Please be cc'ing to Nurse Ratchet. Ja?

 

[JohnnyM53]

Dear A3A2,

Sounds (pardon the pun) like you are suffering from C-PDSD (Complaining [about] Post Dramatic Stress Disorder.

Attached is a prescription for morphine. You'll still hear your kids but you mind as much.

Actually you won't mind much of anything at all.

Doc DVD

 

[JohnnyM53]

A3A2

Who got the colon cleansing? them or you?

If it's them and they're still singing, it means they're still more music to flush out.

If it's you and they simply followed you into the bathroom, they're just getting even with their mom for each time they got in s**t.

Doc DVD

 

[JohnnyM53]

Fraline!!!

OMG!!! It has been ages since we last spoke.

I believe we saw each other in Zurich. Do you remember? It was just the two of vus?! Under dee tree, with Starbucks coffee in hand and something else in the udder hand?! Oh my - lol - vhat fondle memories I have of ewe! baaah! You must cum up to the medical camp soon and see the gang!

I tank you for your freelance diagnosis of duh Santa Claus imitator who has multiple personalties.

You are correct, my deer colleague; vun must make sure that zee voltage is correct. Oh believe you me - I vill make sure it just right for him! (duh bastard called me slow twice - can you believe it?! me slow! I am quick like zee bunny! Remember?? Ja??) and he calls me slow. The ingrate!

I'll zap him into shape - no vorries!

No I had not heard of the chane in names of these drugs. Tank you for enlightening me Fraline!

Doc DVD
xxoo

 

[zula3679]

Need holiday relief!

Dear Dr. Doppemhiyer,

Your friend, Johnny referred me to your online clinic. I am a first time reader, but a long time fan. Are you taking any new patients, doctor? No? Maybe just a "quickie" consultation then?

It's the holidays, doc...they always get me down. I know that music therapy is your area of expertise, but I do (did) have my own coping method, that is until things started going "south".

It's my X-box you see. I think I may have broken it from over-use. I've been feeling very stressed lately, and playing with my X-box always makes me feel better, more refreshed some how. I sense you might have some experience in this "area".

I've tried everything to fix it. I worked the "knobs" but nothing happened. I attempted to switch to the plugs in "back" but they just wouldn't go. I even turned my X-box upside down and banged on it, but to no avail.

I tried every "adaptor" I could find and played with the on "button" until my fingers were sore and still NOTHING! To top it all off, I ran out of my prescription for Damitol, so now I'm really screwed!

What can I do Doctor? It just doesn't "feel" like Christmas without playing with my X-box :(

(I realize mine is a particularly difficult case, but I trust you can take the matter in hand and help me find the solution.)

Sincerely,

Broken Box in OK