DandelionSeed
New Here
Hello, everyone!
So it seems I am not hearing my sufferer housemate's nos as final. For example, if we are having an issue and I suggest a solution, or I need to make good for something I did wrong and I suggest something, I hear his, "That doesn't work for me because x" as "X is a problem that needs to be worked out." I get too attached to the idea in my head to be fully listening. His affect goes very flat when he is pushed past his boundaries, and I know that needs to become an instant cue to STOP. Instead, I'd read it as uncertain. For instance, he'd been feeling really let down by my not replacing a thing of his my dog got to. It was then on its way, but he wanted something to show I cared in the meantime. I suggested making him a nice meal that was comfort food. He said, "I love your cooking, but no. Your cooking is not my comfort food, because it's not what I grew up with." Instead of taking that for an answer, I kept pushing with, "Well, if you told me how to make it right ..." This went on for a while.
On Sunday, we'd made an appointment for him to wake me up at 9 to go get some of his stuff from his old house. He'd told me that the longer he waited during the day, the more anxious he would be about it. He'd been massively triggered the night before, though, and came to the table avoiding eye contact and with the occasional thousand yard stare. It makes perfect sense, therefore, that when I said, "Let's go get your stuff" and his reaction was, "I can't do that right now," I should have stopped THEN. But I became convinced that waiting would only make it worse. I pushed for us to do it, even when he said, "I am so far past my limits I don't know what they look like." Around 10 minutes after I stopped pushing, he said, "I don't really see another choice" and we went. But that's irrelevant. Ignoring a clear "no" is something I'd NEVER have thought I would do, and there are few things that would be more disturbing to discover. Especially as he was at his MOST vulnerable and least able to stand up for himself.
It's also the case that my family and friends, everyone I know, deals with issues by talking about the feelings surrounding them, if there don't seem to be concrete solutions at hand. Even though he'd told me he doesn't deal with things that way, I brought up a thing that was actively making him feel unsafe to sympathize with it. Since I am not a sufferer, I can sympathize, not empathize, and my sympathy was taken as pity, which for reasons pertaining to his trauma was hugely triggering too.
We moved in together largely because he needed a safe space. Since then, my dog has gotten to items important to him, it's taken me longer than I said to replace them, and I've been unconsciously turning every discussion of solutions into a discussion of feelings. In a previous post I discussed the other side of things, where he starts saying awful things about me in extremity ... but it IS in extremity. Further, our upstairs neighbors seem to have a physically abusive relationship, and they're right above his room. Previously, we'd agreed that I'd help make him a bed in the kitchen and make him strong tea and play metallica if that happened. Now that I've triggered him, he's two nights in a row chosen to stay in his room while they are having an abusive interaction rather than deal with me. That I am a worse trigger than someone beating his girlfriend I think says it all.
I can't help what I've already done, but I need to change NOW. I offered leaving but paying rent until he found someone safe to live with, and he turned it down.
So it seems I am not hearing my sufferer housemate's nos as final. For example, if we are having an issue and I suggest a solution, or I need to make good for something I did wrong and I suggest something, I hear his, "That doesn't work for me because x" as "X is a problem that needs to be worked out." I get too attached to the idea in my head to be fully listening. His affect goes very flat when he is pushed past his boundaries, and I know that needs to become an instant cue to STOP. Instead, I'd read it as uncertain. For instance, he'd been feeling really let down by my not replacing a thing of his my dog got to. It was then on its way, but he wanted something to show I cared in the meantime. I suggested making him a nice meal that was comfort food. He said, "I love your cooking, but no. Your cooking is not my comfort food, because it's not what I grew up with." Instead of taking that for an answer, I kept pushing with, "Well, if you told me how to make it right ..." This went on for a while.
On Sunday, we'd made an appointment for him to wake me up at 9 to go get some of his stuff from his old house. He'd told me that the longer he waited during the day, the more anxious he would be about it. He'd been massively triggered the night before, though, and came to the table avoiding eye contact and with the occasional thousand yard stare. It makes perfect sense, therefore, that when I said, "Let's go get your stuff" and his reaction was, "I can't do that right now," I should have stopped THEN. But I became convinced that waiting would only make it worse. I pushed for us to do it, even when he said, "I am so far past my limits I don't know what they look like." Around 10 minutes after I stopped pushing, he said, "I don't really see another choice" and we went. But that's irrelevant. Ignoring a clear "no" is something I'd NEVER have thought I would do, and there are few things that would be more disturbing to discover. Especially as he was at his MOST vulnerable and least able to stand up for himself.
It's also the case that my family and friends, everyone I know, deals with issues by talking about the feelings surrounding them, if there don't seem to be concrete solutions at hand. Even though he'd told me he doesn't deal with things that way, I brought up a thing that was actively making him feel unsafe to sympathize with it. Since I am not a sufferer, I can sympathize, not empathize, and my sympathy was taken as pity, which for reasons pertaining to his trauma was hugely triggering too.
We moved in together largely because he needed a safe space. Since then, my dog has gotten to items important to him, it's taken me longer than I said to replace them, and I've been unconsciously turning every discussion of solutions into a discussion of feelings. In a previous post I discussed the other side of things, where he starts saying awful things about me in extremity ... but it IS in extremity. Further, our upstairs neighbors seem to have a physically abusive relationship, and they're right above his room. Previously, we'd agreed that I'd help make him a bed in the kitchen and make him strong tea and play metallica if that happened. Now that I've triggered him, he's two nights in a row chosen to stay in his room while they are having an abusive interaction rather than deal with me. That I am a worse trigger than someone beating his girlfriend I think says it all.
I can't help what I've already done, but I need to change NOW. I offered leaving but paying rent until he found someone safe to live with, and he turned it down.
