Relationship Communication Help Please

[MMS99!]

I have no idea what Im doing and I feel like Im stuck and not moving at all. The behavior my husband has been displaying is a deal breaker for me. He was and I beileve is still being dishonest. But because I dont trust him, he may be being honest again. I dont know. And because I dont trust him, I feel like its making the situation worse. And he was hiding talking to another female to me. He Refuses to take responsibility. He blames me for "having" to lie about it and hide it from me. I have tried telling him the dishonesty and hiding things from me is a deal breaker. The manipulation and blaming me is a deal breaker. The fact I cant trust him is a deal breaker. He acts like he dont care and shuts down. Anytime I try to discuss these things that are a deal breaker and try to discuss this woman with him he shuts down and refuses to talk. He says it causes too much stress and anxiety and he cant handle it. We cant discuss anything about our relationship or any of the other things I have mentioned because of his stress and anxiety.

If I want to get a long with him or not have him just stop speaking to me, I have to pretend like everything is "normal". I dont know if it really is the stress and anxiety, avoidance or both or if he is trying to control the situation or just saying its stress and anxiety so he dont have to deal with it and continue with whatever is going on with this woman. I feel trapped. I have stress and anxiety too now. I have lost almost 30 pounds in 2 months. I am effed up in the head because of the deciet and the thoughts that go through my head about whats really going on wont stop. I cant live like this anymore. Can anybody tell me how to communicate to him that these are my deal breakers and if they dont stop Im done and if he refuses to either show me this situation with this woman is innocent and he stops this communication because its affecting our marriage greatly or Im done. I refuse to be second fiddle. Im his wife. This isnt high school. Any direction would be appreciated. And if Im being ridiculous, please tell me. I dont want to make things worse for him but my emotional and physical health is important too.

 

[Mytime]

Is your husband sympathetic at the moment? and how is this other woman apart of his life. I've been in the same place but it you can share, it will help in my answer.

 

[MMS99!]

If sympathetic you mean, sympathetic to how his behavior affects ys then no. And he claims this woman is the ex wife of an army buddy and they started chatted because he was trying to find her hubby then found out they are no longer together. And he says he has never been friends with this woman only acquaintences when he was friends with her hubby. He says they have been talking for 4 months and he admitted discussing our problems, which I wasnt aware we had any 2 months ago. But he wouldnt talk to me about whatever the problens are. He tried to tell me he was talking 2 male friends and the only reason I found about her for sure was borh of our daughters came to me out of concern that he was talking to her. I knew he was hiding talking to a female to me. I just didnt know exactly who until it was brought to my attention. And once our gurls brought it to me I tried to talk to him about it and it was an exsplosion on his behalf.

 

[Mytime]

Sorry I meant symptomatic. If he is, there isn't much you can do. The more you try, the more he will push you away. Have you asked him to go to marriage counselling or therapy for himself?
The only thing you can do is control you. If he's going to have an afair, then that's his choice. You can only control you. Trust me I know how much it hurts and how our minds can go to many places. But all you can do is look after you. Get yourself strong and in a good place. My husband did the same thing with talking to others about our problems I didn't know we had. But the problem were his, he was just in avoidance. You can set your own boundaries . Like no talking to her in your home.ect. You can try talking through email about how you feel. But you may not get an answer from him. But you also have to look within yourself and ask. Is this about me not trusting him or is he really still talking to her. If you don't know for sure you could be stressing yourself out for no reason. I know it's hard but look after you. Sending support and hugs if you expect :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

He wouldn't have so much anxiety if he wasn't sneaking around behind your back.

It is fine to tell him your boundaries. "I cannot tolerate emotional affairs" or what have you. "If you continue to talk to her, I will leave."

He has no say in your boundary. He doesn't have to discuss anything with you. He just has to make the choice to respect your boundary or not.

You, on the other hand, have to decide what your limit is. You cannot make him do or stop doing anything. All you can do is control your own actions. Is this your breaking point? If so, set the boundary. If he does this, I will leave.

 

[MMS99!]

Yes he is symptomatic. Has been for 2 months. Thats when everything started. He has had ptsd for 25 yearsish. Figured out on my own he has ptsd 6 months ago but he has suspected for years he has it and never talked to me about it. We have been together 18 years and married 17. Things were going a long for 10 months and I noticed his behavior was off but did not know he was in the throws of ptsd and tried talking to him and he blew up ssid he didnt know if he wants to be married anymore. Of course Im thinking this is not my husband wtf? I made the mistake of saying this is ptsd which made it much worse. He has been wanting to leave since then and left for hus moms 2 weeks ago saying he will come home in a month. He said he has to figure out his anxiety and fatigue. He is niw saying he dont know when he is coming home. I do have trust issues as thus is not the first time he has hid talking to the opposite sex from me. However, I never thought there was infidelity involved until this time. Anyway, its been horrible for all of us the way he has chosen to handle everything. My youngest is suicidal, she was cutting and diagnosed with depression and in therapy. And I feel like a door mat. He has to control everything. I am going to concentrate on me because my mental health is not in great shape and my physical health Im concerned about. I have never had my husband treat me like this and we have alwaya been important to him and we dont feel we are anymore. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond mytime. Your advice gives me a different perspective and makes me feel better. And thanks for the hug :)

 

[MMS99!]

@Mytime I forgot to say he refuses marriage therapy but is in therapy for himself. He just started November 1.

 

[Mytime]

Sorry to hear about your daughter :(
Take care of you and your daughters. I know how hard it is, I have 3 kids also. If you can get into therapy for yourself it will help a lot. But make sure they have experience in PTSD.
Please know that some of his choices are not PTSD. They are his choices and don't put up with any abuse of any kind. You can pm me anytime. :)

 

[MMS99!]

@Sweetpea76 I have told him that " lying and sneaking around is stressful for someone that dont have ptsd so I can only imagine why your so stressed and anxious"

I know our son leaving for the army Jan of this year was what triggered him and my mom almost died a month after that and he was right in the middle of it and something stressful has happened every month since then and 2 months ago, not knowing he was in the throws of ptsd I made the mistake of asking why he was behaving differently and then guessing it was ptsd which made him snap. Since then, things have gone down hill. Thanks for the advice. It does help validate my feelings.

 

[sighing]

@MMS99! I'm going through a similar situation and honestly the advice of focusing on yourself and how you can take care of your emotional well being is the best advice. We cannot control the sufferers behavior, but we do have control of how it effects us by drawing boundaries and practicing self care like therapy, hobbies, a support network, exercise, etc. My husband is incapable of discussing anything related to our relationship or marriage. He's so focused on his own survival that he just doesn't have it in himself right now and was able to admit that sentiment to me this past week. He does, however, have a platonic married female friend with C-PTSD issues that he is totally open with and she takes up a lot of his time. It's not fair to our child or myself that he chooses to spend time with his friends when he could spend time with us. I had to ask that she not visit our home because it makes me uncomfortable because he can be open with her but not with me. Is it fair? No. Is it how a marriage should be? No. Can I control his behavior? No. But I can work through how I feel with my therapist and support network and set boundaries to protect myself. It's been a process, but I'm starting to feel like a functioning person again.

 

[MMS99!]

@sighing.... I appreciate your words so much. But I found out today for sure that he is having an affair with this woman. In fact, he has a trip planned to go see this woman from Dec 30-Jan 7. And obviously wasnt going to tell me. Not sure where he thinks he was going to tell us where hes going. Unless he would tell us he has to go on a trip for work. He dont know I know about his little trip yet, but he is going to find out tonight. Plus I found a gift hidden that said to my love, from me. And he has been face timing this woman every night from MY laptop and doing lord knows what.

He is currently at his Mom and Step Dads for a month or so he claims, a month. He tells the kids one story, me another and his Mom and Step Dad another. When I called him today to ask him to stop by after his apt, he was pleasant and said he would. But then started texting me saying you know my anxiety is rising, please tell me why you want me to stop by and he said throw me a bone. He asked if we were going to talk about "us" and I told him nope which we arent. At this point sighs, I think Im done discusding us. I told him he knows exactly why he has anxiety in regards to me and our relationship. And he does, because when your sneaking around behind your spouses back having an affair ( I say affair because when your refering to someone besides your spouse as your love, I dont think its your golf buddy) your going to have anxiety. A person without ptsd sneaking around like that will cause anxiety and stress so a person with ptsd, of course its going to be bad. Im tired of hearing, oh I cant talk about it because of my anxiety. To me that means, Im a pussy and cant be a man and face up to what Im doing and admit it to my family. He has crossed a line and Im not putting up with it. I am pretty sure he is making an exit plan with this woman. Im pretty sure he plans on leaving with no warning. I cant work because of my back and we still have 1 minor child. To me, that takes a special kind of piece of work to do that. To me, this whole situation, what hes doing, the way he is choosing to do it. He a piece of work and many other colorful words.

All of our problems started 2 months ago because I chose to ask him why he is behaving differently and being secretive with his phone and hiding from me who he is talking to and lying to me. It caused an explosion on his part and he has been blaming me for everything and being cruel to me since then. Blaming me for his anxiety and stress. Blaming me for "having" to hide this woman from me and "having" to lie to me. Im not the cause. Im tired of putting up with this crap and I wont anymore. I have lost 30 pounds in 2 months ths. Our youngest is cutting and suicidal. He knows this and still left. I beileve to have more privacy to freely talk to this woman without sneaking and his family asking why he is hiding things. His sneaky,slimy,trifling ass is the cause of all this. Our kids go days with no contact, and he completely blows me off but I was told at his folks he comes home from work goes straight to his room and face times this woman. He has time for her but not his family.Thats not ptsd. thats an affair. So Im going to see a lawyer so I know my rights. Im so angry. Im dreading the hurt. For our kids and for me. 18 years I have given this piece of work. I feel so betrayed. I knew something wasnt right. My gut was screaming at me. I have been asking god to reveal the truth and he did. Im so disgusted and sickened. Sorry just venting. Im so effed up right now.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm not hearing a lot of symptoms that scream PTSD, I'm hearing things that sound like a dirtbag using PTSD as a cover. That is reprehensible.

Get your laptop back and get a lawyer.