Communication

[Bookoffee]

I am having a hard time having everyday simple communication with my wife. I sit and get stuck in my head that I forget about her. I am not sure if I forget about her but I don't share what is on my mind or have a full conversation with her. She wants to be challenged intellectually and I fear that I am not smart enough to give that to her.

How can I start to communicate better with my wife?

Sometimes I feel as though I need to be seen and not heard

 

[RussH]

yes you are. What are some things that interest both of you? Find some things that you like to discuss, then start reading up on the topic. It really is not a case of not being smart enough, as maybe educated on the subject enough.

Communication is an art, it takes practice, and clarification when talking. If you are not sure what your wife is saying the ask her, so that you are on the same page.
Have you ever taken a class on interpersonal communication? It might be something for you to consider, and it might help you open up to other people.
have a wonderday book

 

[digger]

Verbal communication, conversation, small talk - I find that all very difficult. I don't know much of your background, but my opinion was neither valued or wanted growing up and keeping quiet was the preferred, and generally safest, option. I have a big 'thing' about saying the wrong thing, getting it wrong, not being able to explain clearly enough what I mean. So I often say nothing instead - that doesn't exactly make for good conversation though and silence makes me feel awkward too, like I should be filling in the gaps, but then I'm back to feeling like I have nothing valid to say...

I'm mostly wondering if what you're feeling about how you communicate, matches what your wife is feeling about it? When you say she wants to be challenged intellectually, have those words come from her or from you? What kind of conversations interest you? Maybe communication needs to start with communicating what you both want from it and what gaps you both feel there are.

 

[Bookoffee]

When you say she wants to be challenged intellectually, have those words come from her or from you?

It is what she told me this morning.

I found a great link on Help Guide about communication if anyone is interested:

[DLMURL]http://www.helpguide.org/mental/effective_communication_skills.htm[/DLMURL]

 

[digger]

Did you tell her about your fears about that? About being worried you're not 'smart enough'? My guess would be that that's not in her mind.

When I fear that kind of thing, that I'm not good enough, or smart enough to contribute - that judgemental stuff is usually coming from me. It hasn't always been the case, which is how it got so ingrained I guess, but I would hope your wife comes under the category of people who are safe to practice communication skills with, without the fear of being judged or belittled by it. I'd hope she wants communication with you for the connection with you, rather than as a competition of who's 'smarter'.

Start small. Start with safe subjects. :)

 

[Bookoffee]

When I fear that kind of thing, that I'm not good enough, or smart enough to contribute - that judgemental stuff is usually coming from me.

I am the same way.

but I would hope your wife comes under the category of people who are safe to practice communication skills with, without the fear of being judged or belittled by it

She is safe but I get scared that she will judge and belittle me but she hasn't yet. I let my fear stand in the way and I stay quiet. Sometimes I even think to myself that she doesn't want to bother with my nonsense, but the thing is, she really wants too! I listen to the small voice in my head more then I listen to her.

I'd hope she wants communication with you for the connection with you, rather than as a competition of who's 'smarter'.

It is all about communication not who is smarter. When we were dating there was no fear of her leaving me, we were not committed. We would talk all night and once we got married, I just stopped talking in fear of bothering her, losing her, frustrating her, etc...

But that is what I am doing now. I think I may be reading her body language wrong. Because when I start to talk sometimes, it feels as though she is annoyed with me. I ask her if she is so I can continue to talk but that just frustrates her more. She tells me to stop asking for permission to talk.

It is a whirlwind in my head.

 

[digger]

'Liking' in an identifying kind of way! I have a similar situation with communicating with my son at the moment. I feel like I don't know how to properly, so I end up not doing....but that just kind of perpetuates the problem. I feel like I'm losing the ability to communicate with him, but not communicating him just reinforces that and yeah, I end up in a whirly head place with it too!

Perhaps there might need to be some give and take. Your wife might have to accept that there are going to be times you will need reassurance that it's okay to talk, especially at first, so that you can get back to where you were. And sometimes, you just have to bite the bullet and make yourself take the risk of saying the things you're unsure of. A big part of it is practice I think, taking that risk and relearning that sometimes it's worth it, and unlearning that the consequences of it will be bad :)

 

[Bookoffee]

Thank you for the advice and sharing your side of communication. I hope you and your son can communicate better. I am really finding that link to Help Guide really helpful so far.

 

[Bookoffee]

I don't think I am scoring any points today with the communication thing with my wife. Twice I said something and she went on about how I should have said it in a different manner. It is so frustrating.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Have you talked to your wife about this situation? About how you are feeling? I would tell her. That's the first step in communicating better. My husband love to talk about philosophical topics or science and math and sometimes those are not what I am best at talking about or listening to. We also struggle with basic communication sometimes. We have a rule that we try to stick to- if something is bothering us we tell the person sooner rather than later. The more you stew over something, the larger of a problem it can become. My husband and I have been working on that and will always continue. We're not always great at it, but when we remember it helps. And remember, you are allowed to voice your opinions and feelings, too. Your wife wants to be intellectually challenged and you want to not be corrected when you say things. Both are important things to discuss. Good luck!

 

[mrsps]

She is safe but I get scared that she will judge and belittle me but she hasn't yet. I let my fear stand in the way and I stay quiet. Sometimes I even think to myself that she doesn't want to bother with my nonsense, but the thing is, she really wants too! I listen to the small voice in my head more then I listen to her.

I could have written this myself except change wife to husband! It is our fear that we put in the way!

 

[ghotiff]

I have no knowledge of you situation so please disregard if it's not helpful.

In a marriage not all a persons needs can ( or should) be met by their partner. If she wants more intellectual conversations in her life then that's completely understandable, but, they don't have to come "from" you.

Has she had a change in her life where she has lost a prior source of this. Is there something she can do to add a source into her life eg joining a book club.

Working on communication is a great thing, but maybe supplementing with something else as well will help.