Complex PTSD From Molestation To InHome Stranger Strangulation To Spousal Abuse

[Zennah]

I'm glad to learn this forum has the rules it does & they sure make sense to me.

I've finally gotten to a great Trauma Specialist; go weekly now for about 10 months. My body is breaking down from the stress of all the many traumas I've had over the past 53 years. Actually, my trauma began in the womb as I now understand how that is documented; I suspected it for years, based on my parents' tumultuous relationship & the fact Dad never believed I was his child.

Mom's brother began molesting me, just digitally, never full on intercourse, at age 3 or 4, through to age 12. I also had a neighborhood friend who acted out what she saw her 2 lesbian mothers doing onto me, and I never felt comfortable reciprocating that; however, let me make it clear, I have no problem with anyone's orientation in that regard, I just feel it's really none of my business.

I acted out sexually and with drugs and alcohol from age 12 1/2 through to about age 31 when I got clean & sober the first time. That really helped to do, but I still had many problems keeping regular employment and I always took everything so personally and became paranoid, not ever wanting anyone to know just how suspicious I was of everyone and everything.

I don't have gaps in memory, per se, except for alcohol and drug-induced blackouts back when I did those. I also married an abusive man who died of lung cancer in 2001. I have had many other types of traumas, such as a life-threatening illness, almost drowning twice, being attaacked in my home by an intruder who came in through the bathroom window, being bullied in kindergarten, elementary school, have been raped twice, attacked several times by either strangers or lovers, losing my home and life insurance from my late-husband in the past 2 years, loss of being able to work 14 years ago, and on and on.

I am tired of feeling like a victim, and I have done lots of forgiveness exercises with "new-age" type healing modalities like breathwork and something called The Work of Byron Katie (not a plug - just in case anyone else has heard of it). My trauma specialist says I skipped dealing with the injured parties inside me: the angry teenager and the sad and frightened little 4 year old girl. I am finally working through a moderate form of hypnosis with him on this, and just last week the 4 year old came out of her corner.

This is all rather overwhelming for me, and I apologize for such a long introduction, yet there just doesn't seem to be a way to shorten this load. I have so many questions; the most pertinent being: how do you ever get to that place where you stop being afraid to live your life? And how do you find a passion for something about your future?

I'm no longer suicidal, though have tried twice years ago. I'm so grateful to know I'm not entirely a lost cause, even though much of the time I feel like I am lost and very alone. Thank you for reading and answering...how did you start doing what you dreamed of doing? I'm so afraid of rejection and just afraid to even start anything. I'm disabled, so can't really work, but at least I could do something. But most days, I cannot get past my home except to buy food or go to a doctor, etc. Thanks again. Zennah

 

[sassyfras]

Hey Zennah, I think it takes a lot to be able to share all of that, I can definitely relate. It's as if sometimes there's too much trauma to bear or even think about, and we wonder, why did all of these things happen? Well, I do firmly believe that whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger, so were all pretty tough cookies! You are not a lost cause at all Zennah, I feel very alone and lost at times as well, but faith is what keeps me together. I used to have agoraphobia, and I am afraid it's starting to come back, so I can relate to not even being able to go anywhere or do anything. Little steps at a time will help though, I think. It's also good to have a caring therapist :)

 

[boogie]

I can relate to you as well. I need to deal with my angry teenager and sad little girl too. Not sure how. What makes you disabled? Your body or mind?

 

[Zennah]

Sassyfras, I have bouts of Agoraphobia every so often, and what sets it off is isolation for too long. The best thing for me is to get out to take a morning walk around my neighborhood. The other thing that helps is to try to find one little thing to do for someone else.

Boogie, What makes me disabled are several physical problems from accidents I've had long ago. It started out as a breakdown at work, so the first 2 years were from the PTSD, I'm sure of that now (after 14 years). Then, once disabled for 2 years and having been put on meds for depression and ADD (i.e., Adderall, plus a wide array of anti-depressants & anti-anxiety meds, such as Wellbutrin, Paxil and Xanax as needed), my liver got overloaded and it was discovered I have Hepatitis C. I stopped the meds abruptly, which I now can warn people about based on my real-life experience of how awful that can affect the body. I had what was considered then to be a Fibromyalgia Flare; couldn't move my left shoulder for almost 18 months, so was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

That diagnosis turned out to not be what was really going on. I have numerous herniations in my neck now and low back, so I got 2 Spinal Cord Stimulators surgically implanted (one in my upper back behind my right armpit; the other in my lower back in my upper right buttox). That changes the diagnosis from Fibromyalgia to Myofascial Pain Syndrome. I also have a positive Rheumatoid Factor as a result of HepC, along with Cryoglobulinemia, which is also typical with HepC, and makes a person feel pain more strongly (a lower threshhold of pain).

My joints are also disappearing at an alarmingly fast rate for someone only 56 years of age. I had ankle surgery in December, and will be having a wrist and base-thumb surgery to correct carpal tunnel narrowing (syndrome) and base-thumb joint is gone, so that's bone on bone, already. What they do to replace the joints is to take a tendon from somewhere nearby (up the back of the calf for my ankle; up the inner arm for my base-thumb joint), and roll it up like an anchovie and insert it during surgery. (That was exactly how my hand surgeon explained it to me last month.)

So, I'd say I'm physically disabled, with PTSD as a beginning underlying cause; except for the fact I do have genetic markers for joint problems (Degenerative Disc Disease & early onset Osteo-Arthritis), and have had 3 different types of accidents that caused the back/neck to herniate in so many places over the years.

Thanks for both of your support. It is helping to face it down, all these things I tried to avoid all these years. I would encourage anyone to do this much earlier on in life than I've been able or willing to do! Z

 

[Marie]

[lang=fr]Bonjour à tous, je suis nouvelle sur ce site.

J'ai été très touchée par vos témoignages et je souhaite de tout cœur que tout s'arrange bientôt. Je pense que le seul fait d'être ici est un bon signe.

De mon côté, j'ai mis très longtemps à comprendre mes problèmes d'autodestruction, tout simplement parce que j'ai eu une belle enfance, avec des parents sains et protecteurs, aimants. C'est une psychothérapie qui m'a fait comprendre que mes problèmes venaient de beaucoup plus loin, d'ancêtres plus lointains, qui avaient subi des violences ou des meurtres. On peut alors avoir soi-même très peur de souffrir et de mourir... et de se placer soi-même dans des situations où l'on risque de souffrir et de mourir.
Il faut que je comprenne à partir de maintenant que je ne suis pas coupable d'être en vie et en bonne santé.[/lang]

 

[dharmaBum]

Zennah,

We share many traumas, from pre-natal to strangulation, rape, etc. As well, I have been struggling to see where the notions of Byron Katie fit within my recovery from/life with PTSD. Perhaps one day via this forum we can share more about what has been helpful in surviving these events.

 

[James B.]

I know about Myofascial Pain Syndrome, and arthritis. Also a CPTSD sufferer. Welcome to the forum Zennah.