Sufferer Complex ptsd sufferer, pls talk to me for help

[Anna Reese]

First off, hello, I think I might be ill. I am from the Middle East, I did a small session with a psychologist from Slovenia and he said I have complex PTSD, but still don't want to believe it. I was in the Iraq war, so my family suffered. And then i was emotionally abused by my dad and mom. Mom hit me sometimes and yelled at me, while dad was emotionally abusive. He threatened to throw me out of the house, or send me to a poor country, he called me worthless, useless,a waste, fatted, destroyer, and ungrateful. Made fun of me cause I had maladaptive daydreaming disorder, and my smell. Hit me sometimes and yelled at lot. Anyway, he died a year ago, and i have been dealing with depression, suicidal thoughts anxiety. I sincerly want to die, i think no one can love me and I will be alone. Bec i was isolated I have no friends. I am 31, stuck at a bad job i can't even do properly. Everyday i wake up thinking this life is a nightmare. I have to read reincarnation and nde subreddit to think against suicide. I can't get a boyfriend cause i get panic attacks and weep. I have been having emotional breakdowns where I try to cut myself but can't. I badly want to commit suicide but afraid of the other side. I blame myself I should get over this, but can't God is refusing to help. And this is my last resort. I tried free sessions but I don't have an international number. There are no suicide hotlines to help.

 

[Mach123]

Yes I understand and I'm very sorry. My life is so different bit my feelings are so the same. I'm feeling better although I still have to fight the same uphill battle everyday. I'm not suicidal anymore though, and I hope you will feel better too. Please read the forums and write if it helps, it helps me.

It's very hard to get therapy of any worth even here . If I was really suicidal again, I have a plan and I'd get medicated for awhile with the hope is come out of it. Maybe I would maybe not it wouldn't matter.

What does matter is I feel better so there is hope you can also. I am glad you spoke up, I know it's really hard to put something out there on the internet because you just don't know what you'll get back? This board is pretty good because you can get feedback if you want it or you can just do a journal. It's very helpful and I hope it works for you.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I'm so sorry that you are suffering and that you have the need for a place like the Forum but we are glad you are here! You will find compassion and understanding and very possibly a friend or two...or 4. Even though our experiences are all different, our suffering has a commonality that brings us together.

Welcome to the Forum, I hope you will find some resources, and and gain new insights by reading about PTSD. Please know that you are not alone in the the way you feel, and please don't give up. You CAN get better.??

 

[TruthSeeker]

Glad you came here and keep coming back. Mach123's suggestion about writing is a good one.....and relatively cheap, too. I have journaled, written poetry, played songs that connected me with my feelings on my recorder, done a lot of drawing and artwork......find ways to get it (your story...your feelings) out of your head..... I found those things super helpful. Also coming and reading and hearing other people, their stories, and knowing I wasn't alone......this place has made me feel like I belong somewhere....when I traded my dysfunctional family in order to save myself and find out what functional and happiness was all about. Looking forward to seeing you around here. Remember, at your worst, remind yourself that this is only a moment in time....it will change.

 

[mamachick]

Welcome and I am glad you came here. Like others have said, this is a moment in time. Please dont give up. You will find support and compassion here. Your life is worthwhile and it constantly changes. Maybe write down how you would like it to be different. Its much easier to deal with one thing at a time. Anyone that abuses you and degrades you is a sick and unhappy person. It is their shortcoming. Im sorry that you have to overcome that...but you can.

 

[Anna Reese]

Thank you, i need support and compassion. I don't even know what to do. Thank you. I hope so.

 

[Anna Reese]

Yes I understand and I'm very sorry. My life is so different bit my feelings are so the same. I'm feeling better although I still have to fight the same uphill battle everyday. I'm not suicidal anymore though, and I hope you will feel better too. Please read the forums and write if it helps, it helps me.

It's very hard to get therapy of any worth even here . If I was really suicidal again, I have a plan and I'd get medicated for awhile with the hope is come out of it. Maybe I would maybe not it wouldn't matter.

What does matter is I feel better so there is hope you can also. I am glad you spoke up, I know it's really hard to put something out there on the internet because you just don't know what you'll get back? This board is pretty good because you can get feedback if you want it or you can just do a journal. It's very helpful and I hope it works for you.

That is amazing, it gives me hope. I will. But i used to chat regularly on discord and it didn't make me feel better, so just talking it over, no journaling. i hate reading my depressive thoughts.

 

[Anna Reese]

Glad you came here and keep coming back. Mach123's suggestion about writing is a good one.....and relatively cheap, too. I have journaled, written poetry, played songs that connected me with my feelings on my recorder, done a lot of drawing and artwork......find ways to get it (your story...your feelings) out of your head..... I found those things super helpful. Also coming and reading and hearing other people, their stories, and knowing I wasn't alone......this place has made me feel like I belong somewhere....when I traded my dysfunctional family in order to save myself and find out what functional and happiness was all about. Looking forward to seeing you around here. Remember, at your worst, remind yourself that this is only a moment in time....it will change.

That sounds wonderful. I write fanfiction, but lately, I lost my love for writing. That is great advice. Wish I could draw, but not very talented. I wish I could trade my dysfunctional family, but stuck with them. Right now, happiness seems so hard and faraway. But hope things get better.

 

[Ronin]

Hello Anna,

Warmest welcomes. There's plenty of us around from war torn places / been there long enough for one reason or the other.

I am so sorry your closest hurt you so bad whole your life. And I get it hurts double - losing them for true, and having lost / never had them before.

Loss doesn't get better by more it though... like by losing you.

You are awesome, beautiful soul, caring, nice, pretty damn smart (going 'just' by surviving this long, and reaching out for help so effectively), bet you talented in many ways I wouldn't even know about... and all that and more of who you are shouldn't vanish, just because all hurts now. It just shouldn't.

You say you are stuck in a bad job...
That is not saying you suck at it.
That is either the job bad for you, not helping you bring out the best of you, or not right at this time... but it's a start. A job, not a career, or whole your life. ;)

Is there anyone of coworkers / colleagues who would take your side? Make getting through each day working a little bit easier? Trying to make even casual relations can make a world of difference.

God isn't punishing you / making it hard and refusing to help... I believe God believes in you, however daring may that be to say. Because you are worth believing in.

This isn't a hurt to end your life... this is a struggle that you can and will get through. Because you have done it so many times before.

And, life with no man is still so better than married to a bad one. Good ones will show up in time, to see you clearly and love you properly. You need to be there for you, first, now.

 

[TruthSeeker]

That sounds wonderful. I write fanfiction, but lately, I lost my love for writing. That is great advice. Wish I could draw, but not very talented. I wish I could trade my dysfunctional family, but stuck with them. Right now, happiness seems so hard and faraway. But hope things get better.

I write fantasy, realistic fiction, historical fiction, science fiction, fairy tales,types of lore, and nonfiction, but what is fanfiction?

 

[Ronin]

But what is fanfiction?

Fiction written by fans for a fandom of a thing they like, usually pop culture.

Think of comics / TV series / flicks / books geeks writing stories about their favorite thing.

 

[Justmehere]

I blame myself I should get over this,

This is simply not accurate. You have been through trauma that would shake many souls. There is no should about getting over it. .It is what it is. You deserve support on your road to recovery. It's hard.

Sometimes in recovery, digging up the trauma will lead to symptom spikes. Feeling worse after journaling about trauma would be really common. Doesn't mean it's hopeless at all. Repeating depressive thoughts over and over would lead to those without depression to start feeling down. There are some different ways to journal to begin to challenge and change those depressive thoughts.

Right now, I think you might need some new tools on board to manage the symptoms and get things calmed down. I strongly encourage you to use the search bar on this site and read around for threads or on the search engine of your choice for information on grounding skills. It can help stop or reduce the panic attacks. Lot's of free info online too. This site might also be helpful: dbtselfhelp,com. There are a lot of great tools there for managing depression, self injury urges, etc. At first, building up your toolbox won't feel like it's enough to help, but it will very likely help over time and it's something you can do without access to a counselor and is what a good counselor would walk you through doing anyhow. It will be like building a muscle.