Complex Ptsd - Warped View Of Therapist As Bad Parent

[BloomInWinter]

I believe it is.

We allow them into the space that our abusers once were in before we got free and slammed the doors shut.

Opening them again is very frightening for me.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Well my T and I discussed our Therapeutic Alliance yesterday and how I feel about him as well as wanting to know what he thinks about me. Without going into all the nitty, gritty detail, I'll say that it was wonderful to get it all out in the open. Interestingly enough, he did actually tell me how he views me and why. This was a huge step in vulnerability for me and I am proud that I had the courage to bring it up!

Good for you, brave (((((Iam))))!!!

I started having an anxiety attack at reading this, so obviously...gotta face it.

 

[Loveneverfails]

This is such a great thread and so helpful! A lot of these feelings here help explain my frustration over the breakdown of the relationship I had with my T. We'd been meeting almost 2 years and then quite suddenly when I finally told him in detail what happened in an incident that traumatized me, I felt judged, shut down and haven't been back since. I feel like my eyes have been opened reading this, helping me realize that what I felt was more my fear of what might happen, rather than what actually DID happen.

It's so hard to realize you are your own worst enemy, even worse to realize I abandoned a great functioning relationship with someone I needed over it. I'm afraid to go back, I'm sure he's fine. Common sense tells me he already understands what happened, but facing him again will take a lot of guts for me. Thanks to everyone sharing, you helped me put a conflict I had been struggling with to rest.

 

[anthony]

Does anybody know if being fearful of your T. is a kind of transference too?

That is just a normal part of a therapeutic relationship.... not really transference as such.

If that fear is being projected by the therapist, then yes... but if that is just your feelings based on attending therapy, then no.

 

[maddog]

Just wanted to say how much I am also appreciating this long-running thread, having just stumbled on it by chance at a frekishly relevant time for me.

Strangely, I am writing here knowing that I'm not actually ready to start publically exploring this issue for myself yet, just that I'm working on it, processing on it, and think that soon I might want to try to nut some stuff out here.

It's horrifically painful frightening stuff and it's about to reach a bit of a watershed moment for me soon I think.

It means a lot to me that this forum facilitates such honesty and sharing in a safe place, and about issues that are so often hugely painful and vulnerable.

Thanks to everyone for being so respectful here.

Maddog

 

[kapril]

I feel an affection (not sexual at all) for my T now. Given that therapy is a one way relationship that is very hard for me.

It’s called transference, and it’s part of the therapy relationship. It’s not a one way street either, its training... every therapist is trained to basically give the client a false representation that they also care about them as a person, because it is this representation that allows the client to then release their vulnerabilities. It’s all false... but a requirement for the client to feel comfortable and talk openly.

The actual term used is "Therapeutic Alliance" officially. They are actually all quite false feelings, because who a therapist is within a session is not who they actually are in normal life.

Is this true? I realize that the part about the therapist within a session is not who they actually are in normal life. What I am referring to is the reference to ... every therapist is trained to basically give the client a false representation that they also care about them as a person, because it is this representation that allows the client to then release their vulnerabilities. It’s all false... but a requirement for the client to feel comfortable and talk openly.

If this is true, how is this any different than how our abusers treated us?

I see this as manipulation, deceit, and betrayal. My reaction is to run away from therapy, except my therapist has been very helpful to me, and very kind, caring, empathic, gentle, knowledgeable, consistent, and ready to confront me in a gentle but firm way if I need it. He has given me the impression that he cares about me, and has shared many struggles he has had in his life as well. It took some time for us to form a trusting relationship in which I felt safe. We’ve used imagery related to a boat and water, channels, swimming, needing to climb into the boat, etc. which gave me something to hold on to during the tumultuous times of flashbacks, dissociation, self-destructive acting out, etc. I’ve been in therapy for almost 3 years now, and in fact we just began to discuss termination, and to collaborate on what that will look like. Now after reading this I want to run away, and tell my therapist that I hate him. :cautious:

<Edited by Anthony: fixed quoting>

 

[doglover]

Is this true?... If this is true, how is this any different than how our abusers treated us?

Yes and no. It's true that therapists are trained to convey feelings that will strengthen the relationship - but it isn't necessarily true that the sense of care isn't real.

My T has been clear in acknowledging the fakeness of our relationship, but as I'm a T myself maybe she knew I would handle that okay. And just because the relationship is "fake" doesn't mean she isn't making an effort to be the caring person I need her to be. It doesn't mean she doesn't want to help me get better. She does. Or she wouldn't be seeing me.

I would say less that the therapist pretends to care about us as people. It's more that the relationship itself is kind of fake. It happens in an office, not in the real world. We didn't meet this person in a casual setting, and start building a genuine relationship. We go knowing that we will be building an 'artificial' relationship - because it starts in an 'artificial' way. That actually is totally separate from whether the T cares for us as people.

I don't think therapists don't care about their clients as people. Some of them maybe, some of them it could never be the case.

Tell you what. Maybe think about telling your T you heard about the therapeutic alliance thing, and how it makes you feel like he is just like your abuser, and how it makes you hate him. Process that with him. By the end of it, maybe you will have this sorted out. Just a suggestion, of course, and I don't mean to tell you what to do.

 

[kapril]

Thanks, Doglover. I will process it with him on Tuesday, and be upset about it until then... Your insights have clarified parts of this, but hearing that therapists don't really give a lick about their clients as people really shuts me down. Maybe this is because I am a teacher, and I do care about my students.

 

[doglover]

Please note I just edited that part for clarity - I was TRYING to say I don't think they don't care about their clients as people - and 'giving two licks' was a replacement for 'don't care' but it was murky so I edited.

I'm a therapist and I care about my clients as people. I tell them so, if they accuse me of being caring because it's my job. The relationship itself is a false one, but I want my clients to get better and care about them even when they aren't at the clinic.

 

[doglover]

Here is one way the 'fakeness' of the relationship can play out.

Say I am seeing a client, and I know his wife casually from a shared group. Say I meet her outside of the clinic and she wants me to come over to help her manage her husband. Because I see him professionally, I am ethically bound to be very careful about helping with symptoms in a personal way; in most cases I am supposed to refer the person to someone else or the hospital. To help that wife by applying my professional stuff in a personal way is called a "Dual Relationship" and it would put my license at risk for me to go over to their house - unless I was doing it as my job, 'on the clock'. Or socially, for a party where no one was in emotional need. Or if he was not my client, then I could come over to help her deal with his symptoms. But my profession frowns on mixing professional and personal because it can put clients at risk.

 

[kapril]

Thank you for the clarification which helps me have a bit more insight without having all these feelings going haywire. Your explanations are pretty clear and easy to understand for those of us who are clients. I mean I can tell he genuinely cares about me as a person. This is not a sexual thing, but just a warm, caring relationship. That doesn't mean we can be friends, or have dual relationships, as I already am aware of the limitations and boundaries of therapy, which I totally understand intellectually, but actually am not very fond of. But I abide by them, as does my therapist who is just a really nice person with a lot of integrity. I am also pretty adept at spotting manipulation and power having had many years of "practice." So in my head I think he cares about me, but when reading the original post by the moderator that thought defintely was then not connected to my heart any longer. For me, then that means the boat has disappeared. I appreciate you taking the time to post. I won't run away now, but will process all of this in the safety of the therapeutic relationship. Thanks again. Now I know I can make it to Tuesday without doing stupid stuff...another sign of my recovery, even if it's small...

 

[doglover]

Now I know I can make it to Tuesday without doing stupid stuff...another sign of my recovery, even if it's small...

I think that is a huge sign of progress, myself.