ninja
Sponsor
My parents, brother, and I all have complex relationships with each other. I live 3k miles away from them (moved >6 years ago). I'm wrestling with how to navigate my needs/wants in terms of frequency of contact/communication with them. It's pretty clear with my brother - we don't talk. I'm finding it tricker with my parents, and that is what this post/question is about.
I haven't been in contact with my mom since the beginning of June because we got into a conflict, she was pushing something on me, I laid boundaries clearly, she didn't respect them, I laid them again, she didn't respect them, etc. I told her I was going to stop responding if she continued, and she reacted by saying something she often used to say when I was a kid - it pushed me over the edge. This is the first time I am deliberately not in contact with her. I'm in my late twenties.
The space from her has highlighted how much guilt I felt and still feel within the relationship and more generally, with both of my parents. The guilt is heavy and taking time to unravel. In the meantime, I don't want to talk to either of them (Please just leave me alone!!!). I'm tired and exhausted, even though the relationships are much better than when I was a kid. I think a lot (but probably not all) of these feelings are from the past, and I'm questioning how much I should let them influence decisions I make about current communication/relationships.
My dad tends to message on weekends wanting to talk. It's not even excessive asking with him - the last time we spoke by phone was two weeks ago. We talked for several hours. We have exchanged a text here or there since then, but that's about it. He's not making excessive demands, so why can't I bring myself to message him back or call? I feel guilty for wanting to be left alone. I feel guilty when we do get on the phone and talk. He says, "let's not go so long between talking again, ok?" and in my head this immediately translates to guilt.... because I don't feel the same way....I know many people have parents who don't want to talk to them. It makes me feel ungrateful and selfish. I am concerned I'm being unreasonable.
How often do you talk to your parents, particularly when/if the relationships are/have been.. complicated? Or more generally, how have you navigated these kinds of things?
Thanks so much.
I haven't been in contact with my mom since the beginning of June because we got into a conflict, she was pushing something on me, I laid boundaries clearly, she didn't respect them, I laid them again, she didn't respect them, etc. I told her I was going to stop responding if she continued, and she reacted by saying something she often used to say when I was a kid - it pushed me over the edge. This is the first time I am deliberately not in contact with her. I'm in my late twenties.
The space from her has highlighted how much guilt I felt and still feel within the relationship and more generally, with both of my parents. The guilt is heavy and taking time to unravel. In the meantime, I don't want to talk to either of them (Please just leave me alone!!!). I'm tired and exhausted, even though the relationships are much better than when I was a kid. I think a lot (but probably not all) of these feelings are from the past, and I'm questioning how much I should let them influence decisions I make about current communication/relationships.
My dad tends to message on weekends wanting to talk. It's not even excessive asking with him - the last time we spoke by phone was two weeks ago. We talked for several hours. We have exchanged a text here or there since then, but that's about it. He's not making excessive demands, so why can't I bring myself to message him back or call? I feel guilty for wanting to be left alone. I feel guilty when we do get on the phone and talk. He says, "let's not go so long between talking again, ok?" and in my head this immediately translates to guilt.... because I don't feel the same way....I know many people have parents who don't want to talk to them. It makes me feel ungrateful and selfish. I am concerned I'm being unreasonable.
How often do you talk to your parents, particularly when/if the relationships are/have been.. complicated? Or more generally, how have you navigated these kinds of things?
Thanks so much.