Complex Trauma (from Childhood Abuse)

[Abrasky]

Wires do seem to get crossed. I hate that I seem to get wires crossed. I seem to not be able to recognise where my responsibility begins and ends with the actions of the abuser in my family. I look for every reason to blame myself. Success, the way I walk, the way I work. How did I cause it Families twist it around so the victim is the blame and I can't still help feeling like I am still feeling to blame for things that aren't my fault.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My parents are both dead and I still have this insane need to cling to false reality.

...AND the felling of being stupid. Never. Goes. Away.

 

[Juliet]

I too don't know when I am being abused, until I realise that I am frightened and walking on egg shells to please my abuser. I am a highly intelligent girl who has been called 'stupid' by abusers to many times. In other ways I do feel stupid because I don't walk away when I come to realise that I am being abused.

My mother wants me to stop talking about my childhood, as she was a 'good' mother, who did the best she could... well, it wasn't good enough because I now how CPTSD as a result of her abuse!

 

[Nicolette]

My mother wants me to stop talking about my childhood, as she was a 'good' mother, who did the best she could... well, it wasn't good enough because I now how CPTSD as a result of her abuse!

Your mother wants you to stop talking about your childhood as she can't deal with the fact that, despite wishing she was one, she knows looking at you that she failed the role of a "good mother". You are factual proof that she screwed up and you shouldn't let her guilt make you think any less IMHO.

 

[Philippa]

Hi, I'm new.

It's nice to be here and to read peoples posts, and see how I can relate to your experiences.

It is timely for me to read about the blurred lines , as I feel this a lot lately and sometimes dount my perceptions, or talk myself out of what I know is invalidation...and have been making excuses for the guy I've been sleeping with who constantly calls me names and then says he's only joking and I need to get a sense of humour.

I know I am highly intelligent ,and sensitive...and have copped this for years. I tell him that it's not that I have no sense of humour, just that I don't find his "jokes" funny! He doesnt' take it seriously and dismisses me as being too sensitive. I know I need to cut all contact and he isn't worthy of my friendship, but I still run back to him?? I feel totally stupid for it, it's just that I identify with him. He has PTSD and has suffered abuses as well, but he won't admit to his own tendency to emotionally abuse...and just laughs when I try and say that's what is happening.

I know it's my self-destructive patterns here, and it's better not to see him again.

Two days ago, I wrote my father an email telling him I won't be spending xmas with him, and said that I don't like the way he operates when he twists the story around to blame me for his violating behaviour. He just acts like nothing happened, and like we're friends...when I haven't felt like we are even a real family for over 15 years now. It freaks me out the way people pretend everything is ok and that their behaviour is ok, and just are content to lie constantly to themselves, without realising the damage they do.

Anyway, I'm sure you will hear me vent again at some point. It's good to have found this place, and all of you. It's good to find people in the same boat as I am.

 

[Juliet]

I can totally relate to you PM. Sometimes I think life would be a whole lot easier if I was an abuser... they always seem to get there own way and somehow feel great about themselves, oblivious to "the damage they do" to others! It is not fair that abusers always win, when all we can do is walk away and try and pick up the pieces and try and put ourselves back together again.

The big problem is also the self-destructiveness, which only compounds the problems. I really want to start taking care of myself but when I am stressed I just seem to fall back into my old patterns. I have left my home country because I don't feel safe there.... my ex wants to kill me (and I believe it to be true). I am trying to find a new profession that is less stressful and more positive but it means more schooling (I have already studied for 8-years at uni). I want to have hope that life is going to get better for me but I haven't had a good year for about 15-years... I am happier out of an abusive relationship but I am dying for someone to love me and take care of me. I want to be rescued from my hell of cptsd. I am so tired of living but I can't and don't want to kill myself.... I guess I have some hope left that things will change and my life will get better...?

 

[anni]

Juliet,

Yes, you do seem to know what needs to be done. I had to re-read your post to make sure, since couldn't quite tell on the first one. You did kind of tie 'happier out of an abusive relationship' in the same sentence with 'dying for some, etc.'. Whew? Semantics can be telling an do not mean to jump on that but, whew.

It's hard to get up and out through the fear, dread, lonliness and pain. If there is a pattern- looking for that person to rescue you, falling into finding the need to be filled, sure as heck you'll end up repeating the abusive one and die on several levels all over agin- possibly for real at some point. Believe me, I had every reason to believe mine when he said he wished to kill me, also. I do not know where to start- but seeing the pattern, knowing it's there- you know it's not going to be different, no matter how much you just wish it to be, until you do stop it yourself. 'Just say no' may have been an unsuccesful anti-drug campaign but it'd be an awfully good anti-abuse one. Don't go there in the first place, if you KNOW that's where you're going to end up through being vulnerable. Can you get therapy? I know it's not always possible financially. so do not mean to be frustrating. Nothing worse than non-helpful advice. Therapy just can and will make what feels overhwhelming, do-able, and help stop the cycle here, help you rescue yourself, you know?

You're right to have hope. There's always, always hope, and things can change-of course they can! You kind of have to make them, however. The only other person who is going to step in, and declare to you 'they can make it all better', if you hand your life over to them-be resuced- is no doubt one of those I'm rather familiar with too, who would actually rather help you die a little.

 

[Sethe]

My mother wants me to stop talking about my childhood, as she was a 'good' mother, who did the best she could... well, it wasn't good enough because I now how CPTSD as a result of her abuse!

This resonates with me.

 

[sky dancer]

My sister and I see our childhood abuse by our foster aunt differently. My sister is two and a half years younger than I am and she bonded with my aunt as if my aunt was her mother and called her mom. My sister tows the party line that my aunt did the best she could and had our best interests in mind, and after all, "you always did the wrong thing".

I was the identifed scapegoat for my aunt's verbal, psychological and physical violence. Our parents are dead and so if my aunt, and still these old patterns make being sisters not easy..

 

[momwithptsd]

In observing the on again/off again reactions my daughter has towards me I tend to agree with you.

I see her slip into an almost "mother overload" phase and she starts to get frustrated with me. It happens every few months and I can usually see it coming. The usual duration is a few days to a week. After figuring out what was going on it no longer upset me, but it was hard to deal with at first.

I am a little concerned lately though. My daughter is just not in communication with me at all. Not sure if I have said or done anything wrong. I am trusting that this feeling is the ptsd "guilt gremlin" and everything is OK and she is just busy. It has been several weeks since I've heard from her. I have sent a couple of emails asking if everything is OK but I get no response.

So I really think you have stumbled onto the parent "overload" issue. It makes sense to me especially taking into account how I treated MY KID. She yearns to be close, but if she gets to relaxed with me it is like she pulls back before I break her heart again. Does that make sense?

So, all I can do it give her the space she obviously needs and hope for the best

I do the same thing or at least something similar with my mother. I'm in sobs right now after reading your post, because I can completely relate. I too want so badly to be close to my mother. One of the problems with my mom is that she is in complete denial of the things she did to me and still does to me. She has totally removed them from her memory. I've confronted her twice about it, but I hate confrontations and get very upset when I have to do that.

I wish my mom was open to see that she made mistakes and grow from that, but she's too worried about being perfect and the saint that her family makes her out to be. The few times I've mentioned that my mom was mean to me, they all stick up for her and tell me I've lost my mind. Everybody on both her side of the family and my dad's side of the family view her as this wonderful person, and I just can't.

I think it would be easier for me if she would just own up to her mistakes, and stop doing the things she still does.

Give your daughter the space she needs, she'll come around. It doesn't hurt to just reach out to her every so often (leave a phone message or email) just to tell her that you love her.

The two things I yearn most from my mom is to her love/to be close to her and to have her acceptance. I'm willing to forgive her and move past it all, but I can't if she won't own up to the mistakes she's made/makes.

 

[momwithptsd]

I can relate to so many of you that have previously posted. I finally feel truly not alone. I have two friends and I'm married to my third friend. They are all so close to their parents and siblings, it makes me so sad on my down days. I can barely get either of my parents to call to see how I'm doing or just to shoot the breeze, let alone any of my siblings. It's frustrating and I hope that my children are close to each other as well as me and my husband. I want that more than anything for my children.

My mom had so much mental, verbal, and emotional abuse to me throughout my childhood, and still does things today. I thought being treated like that was normal, so much that my ex put me through similar abuse for 9 years and I thought it was a normal/ healthy relationship. It wasn't until I almost got fired from my job for not being able to concentrate or focus or remember things, so I saw my doctor who referred me to a specialist. It was then that I realized how similar my relationship with my mom and the relationship with my ex were. I grew extremely angry at my mom during my therapy, so much that I quit going several times because it was too painful.

 

[Nicolette]

Ditto to everything mumwithptsd said...I'm sure she was talking about me & my mum (freaky!)