Learning to trust my body or advocate for myself has been a really steep climb. I was worried about a recent appointment with a new doc, even feeling like I just wanted to die...just not cut out for this. Right away she asked a question that felt condescending. Instead of totally shutting down, I started crying and explained myself better. Then I couldn't look at her for over an hour. But it's like she was the one who could finally see how frustrated I was. She kept checking things, reviewing notes, asking questions for an hour and a half!! I was able to look at her by the end. It's like she hung on with me and, even though not her area, had a pretty good guess where I belonged and walked out to checkout to make calls and referrals for me (and NOT psych...I mean, I AM a headcase but that's part of the fear...that nobody will take my pain or health complaints seriously).
Anyway, it felt very awkward...my semi-shutdown. But allowing myself to stay there and be frustrated, and have a doc who wanted to work through it with me, was very helpful. I was probably going to just start crying no matter who I saw at this point, so glad she had some compassion and more than five minutes and "No, this can't be causing your pain, sorry there is nothing I can do for you."
Nothing is really resolved but it feels a lot more hopeful. I was getting way stuck in powerless "I'm-not-cut-out-for-this-F*ck-it-anyway-I-want-to-die-but-promise-I-won't-kill-myself-until-my-dog's-natural-life-has-passed." I just needed a doctor to care about the pain. I also feel like the assumed diagnosis and referral makes sense (don't want to talk about it, but just feel at least less trapped and isolated beyond hope).
Anyway, it felt very awkward...my semi-shutdown. But allowing myself to stay there and be frustrated, and have a doc who wanted to work through it with me, was very helpful. I was probably going to just start crying no matter who I saw at this point, so glad she had some compassion and more than five minutes and "No, this can't be causing your pain, sorry there is nothing I can do for you."
Nothing is really resolved but it feels a lot more hopeful. I was getting way stuck in powerless "I'm-not-cut-out-for-this-F*ck-it-anyway-I-want-to-die-but-promise-I-won't-kill-myself-until-my-dog's-natural-life-has-passed." I just needed a doctor to care about the pain. I also feel like the assumed diagnosis and referral makes sense (don't want to talk about it, but just feel at least less trapped and isolated beyond hope).
