Childhood Confession Of What Happened

[Crazy Cat Lady]

I have been under CAMHS/out-reach teams and eating disorder services since the age of 13. I am now 23 and see a private psychologist twice a week.

My parents both had cancer when I was younger – my dad when I was about 7 years old and my mum when I was around 10. My Mum was at the hospital a lot with my Dad and I was similar age to my next door neighbour and spent a lot of time with her, at her house. I have a twin brother but he used to go to the house a few doors up.

I was quite close with the girl next door. We used to do girly things, play outside etc. It’s hard to remember what exactly happened but I remember bits, like flashes of memories. Her Dad made us play this game; he said it was a special game and he referred to this as the “bum game”. He used to make me and his daughter to things to each other whilst he watched and he told us not to tell anyone. It carried on like this for a while then he started doing things himself to us and told us to do things to him. I feel physically sick writing that. It went on for about 3 years. None of us said a thing. I should have stopped it, we should have told someone. Neither of us did. I feel bad when I feel upset because it must have been worse for her, it was her dad. My parents had no idea what was going on, but I can’t blame them; my dad had cancer and then my mum had cancer. My dad sprayed some aftershave at the weekend and it really affected me. I felt a lot of physical pain. I also get horrible memories when I smell smoke. He always used to smell of smoke and used to put lots of aftershave on. He said it was for us. I feel so ashamed, so guilty, so dirty. I started to talk a bit in therapy today but cried all the way through – is this normal? I feel so angry for crying and talking. I haven’t felt for so long, disconnecting, blocking things out……

I put what happened between 7-10 away in a little box in my head, never thinking it would be a problem.

I failed my entry test for the local good secondary school and was allocated the worse school. It was really “rough” but didn’t think too much about it. I started to get bullied, in particular from two boys. With one of them, it just stayed psychological but the other one, it turned sexual. He made me do things on webcam to myself. I feel disgusted. I feel strange writing that. It then turned physical. He made me do things. His brother got involved. Oh god…. I can’t write anymore.
I feel so overwhelmed, so low. The thoughts to cut are so strong. I wish the memories didn’t exist, I wish none of this happened.

My Psych is great. I've been seeing her twice a week since October and only just saying a small few things about what happened. I couldn't hold back the tears today. I feel so bad for crying.
I also said at the end I worry if it will upset her/affect her. She listened and emphasied I worry about others too much. I felt she was a little upset - I was crying throughout the whole session.... I guess it's okay if she shows compassion towards what happened?

I still freeze up when she asks me whether I feel able to share a bit about what happened. I think I tend to dissociate and seem to stare into space and feel really strange.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @crazy cat lady it was not your fault. :( I grew up too in a house where there was great stress & my dad was seriously ill & had to be away (or coming & going for long stretches) a lot (without my mom being ill as well, oh my) so I know for myself I did not 'tell' what problems I ever had or what others did.

I really think you are very brave to try to talk & everything. :tup: I can only (I am trying) to bear compassion, or kindness, I could never imagine giving details. I don't cry in front of others normally either, or in general. It's really hard to accept but it feels good to be able to let down the burden at a few moments or tht for that to even be possible.

I never 'thought' about past stuff or my childhood. Now I have had some different input.

I believe it's good to go slowly/ safely, because of dissociation too.

Hugs for you if that's ok.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Crazy Cat Lady. You are courageous to share your story. Your perpetrator brainwashed you not to tell. You had no power at that age so don't blame yourself EVER. It was his responsibility to care for you. He betrayed your innocence. Everything that happened to you was a crime against you.

I have been in therapy a long time and I still haven't been able to articulate what happened to me. Writing on the forum has been a tremendous opportunity to try and talk about my childhood. I'm just beginning to name my emotions, I was shut down for so many years, living in hiding so I didn't get in trouble.

There are so many layers of damage to our psyche. We have to show up to therapy and learn to trust the process that's hard to do. Trusting even one human being is huge. And you take it slow and eventually you will feel your personal power.

 

[Crazy Cat Lady]

Thank you so much for both taking the time to reply.

Is it a normal response to shake in therapy? I think I had lost touch at this point but when my Psych brought me back round, I realise I was shaking and today have really bad muscle ache.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think so. In fact, that helps me because when I get that I 'tell' myself it's low blood sugar. I think it's not acknowledging terror.

:hug:

PS, it was so so so so so very wrong to do that to a suffering child, & so vulnerable, on top of the fact at any/ every time it's wrong :( :cry:

 

[KwanYingirl]

I tremble and then dissociate then collapse. Then it's the end of the session and off I go with all the crap percolating in me. Sometimes I have to go back in a couple of days to get reoriented. I'm better than I used to be.

 

[Go Hungry]

I haven't ever shook (that I remember) but I've had a lot of bodily responses to things. Crying, recoiling fearfully, and umm.. hissing and growling. One time recently I started flailing and tensed all my muscles backward so hard that I nearly came out of my chair. It's so strange, because nobody would ever act like that.. but it happens. I'm not sure what it means.

Anyways, somatic responses just happen sometimes. It's not anything to feel bad about, (though I totally do) it's just the body reacting to trauma. Sometimes in ways it never got to before. Don't feel bad for crying. Just let it happen as much as it needs to. :hug:

 

[Friday]

This is going to sound a bit nonsequitur... But bear with me a moment:
1) I come from a great family.
2) I found a body dump when I was in middleschool. About 3 or 4 hours brisk walk into the middle of nowhere (thousands of miles of canyon preserves, literally, middle of nowhere). Seemed like hundreds of people at the time -I didn't make a complete survey, smelled something familiarly horrifying, double checked, yep, time to go now-, but probably just a dozen or so. Undeniably gross, but also not my first experience with death by a long shot.

So... Coming from a good family, with parents I loved and trusted, after coming across this horrific thing... did I run home and tell my parents?

Nope.

Coming from a good family, I assumed that

A) people "in charge" -aka grown ups- already knew, and

B) that since I hadn't been told about it, I was either not to know & had therefore been doing something wrong (like looking through someone else's things, or for Xmas presents, or deployment locations -back in the days where those things were kept secret, instead of inviting the press. Need to know. If I didn't know, I had no need to. Sticking my nose in where it didn't belong = trouble)... Or...

C) it was "okay". Okay being just the way things are. Like homeless people, funerals, and burn victims. Not okay okay, but outside of my purview to do anything about it.

Yeah. Looking back as an adult you have no idea how many times I've beat myself up over this. The idea that grownups knew everything, alone, just makes me want to bang my head against the drywall. Common sense! You were out in the middle of nowhere! How in blazes would anyone know?! But then, the fact that body dump = go home! have dinner, go to bed, and go back out and play In the same canyons the next day like nothing had happened? Sociopath much? Nope. Child's undeveloped brain much.

...

Part of the absolution of childhood is that kids simply don't know everything. The connections, inferences, subtleties, and understandings we can make with adult brains simply aren't possible for children's brains. No matter how mature we view ourselves to be. Nevertheless, as adults we often look back on our childhood years and hold our 6, 8, 10, 12yo selves to the same standards we hold ourselves to today. That simply doesn't work. As a kid, it made perfect sense to not tell our parents something that as an adult we often want to scream "Why didn't I tell them!?!" Or "Why didn't they know?!?"

Because we were kids, and they weren't gods.

 

[Lucycat]

he told us not to tell anyone.

This classic. He was in a position of trust and you were a young child, taught to do as you were told

It went on for about 3 years.

My abuse went on for 7 years. I think it goes on for as long as there is opportunity. In my case once it stopped I later learned that he moved on to abusing other children.

None of us said a thing

Because you did as you were told

I should have stopped it,

How? It is OK with your adult brain to think of all the answers. But think instead of another child you know now, of that age and what would you reasonably expect them to do?

I feel so ashamed, so guilty, so dirty.

That is what buys your silence. But it is over now. You have nothing to be ashamed of - he does. But I get it. I wore the toxic shame mask for a very long time. Therapy has worked wonders and I have been able to move on from that. Really believing that you have nothing to be ashamed about is a tough one, but you'll get there.

I started to talk a bit in therapy today but cried all the way through – is this normal?

I cried every session in therapy for months and months. T commented the first time I got through without tears and we actually had a laugh about it. I always have my box of tissues at hand - even when I don't need them!

I feel so angry for crying and talking.

Just acknowledge that you are feeling. Then note what you are feeling. This is all progress.

I haven’t felt for so long, disconnecting, blocking things out

Yes, all perfectly normal reactions after your experiences. But it will get better.

I put what happened between 7-10 away in a little box in my head, never thinking it would be a problem.

So did I. I kept it locked away in my head for over 30 years - and thought I was just fine - then it all blew up and exploded and I had a total meltdown. Then I started therapy and the healing began. I wish I had started the process far sooner - but never realised that I could not keep the lid on it for ever.

He made me do things

Again, because the earlier abuse had trained you or conditioned you, to accept the horrors and do as you were told even though you did not want to.

I feel disgusted.

Transfer the disgust onto those who betrayed you and your trust. Do not be disgusted with yourself. You are worth so much more.

I've been seeing her twice a week since October and only just saying a small few things about what happened. I couldn't hold back the tears today. I feel so bad for crying.

I am so glad that you are in therapy. I think you will do well, as you have made remarkable progress simply by sharing your story with us here.I think your psychologist will be very proud of you.