Conflicting Feelings About Relationships.

[Philippa]

I know this thread is pretty dead, and I just wanted to ask Anthony in particular about something, as I know you had a past with alcohol.

I am not into drinking much, though I will have a few glasses of wine with friends and get sloshed at someones house now and then for fun, but just not into drinking regularly or overly. I spent ten years totally without a drop of alcohol as I just didn't like the taste, but have started to let myself drink bits here and there again.

My question is related to the headspace of some people who party a lot. I was with some girlfriends the other week, and we were sharing relationship issues, and the story of this guy came up, and they were both agreeing with HIM!!! The woman I had only just met said that if it had been her she'd probably just laugh about it and use it as a way to diss him in a friendly way next time...and my friend agreed with her. Ever since they've been trying to convince me to hook up with him again, seeing as how I liked him.

I have concluded that obviously we have very different standards when it comes to this sort of thing, and whilst I think they are a bit 'too laid back' about it, they probably think I'm a bit too uptight and not laid back enough...Aussie disposition!

I'm just wondering if it's common for people who drink alot to be so 'laid back' and not give a shit about this sort of thing...in general? It's the only thing I can think of that would make them agree with him.

I know I made the right decision, but it has been a little bit on my mind lately. Any insight into the world of the alcohol lovers would be grateful. I have decided that I can love being around these women as long as we don't 'go there' because it makes me feel like I am lacking in humour or something when they both think this way, as well as the guy. My other friends support me and said they would feel the same way I did and not give him a second go...it's just interesting what you learn about your friends.

These women also don't like using condoms with their lovers...but don't want to get pregnant?? The woman that agreed with him just recently fell pregnant to a guy she hardly knew, and then got pissed and dumped him when he wouldn't stay and raise the child with her...which I found just...stupid! I mean, no one likes condoms...I hate them, but I don't want to fall pregnant either, so the choice is simple.

I give up a little bit of the pleasure factor for the peace of mind of not having to worry about an unwanted pregnancy. Did she actually think he would stay with her and raise a child, when they'd only known each other a week or so? I've had friends like this before who just fell pregnant with random guys and kept the child "because it just felt right"...with all the chemicals coursing through their systems telling them it's right to have a child now, I'm not surprised.

So she probably thinks I'm an idiot, but I think the same about her...and in between we have fun just hanging out...it's just this couple of differences that I have with them. She is much younger than me...like early 20's I think, so it's probably just a maturity thing...or lack of it?

 

[anthony]

I'm just wondering if it's common for people who drink alot to be so 'laid back' and not give a shit about this sort of thing...in general? It's the only thing I can think of that would make them agree with him.

I don't think its about the drinking... but more because it's not them. It's easy to be on the outside of any relationship giving advice / your two cents, however; being the person involved, you are the one who feels what you feel, are who you are, and endured what you endured. The decision is always yours, and it makes it very hard for anyone else to actually place themselves within that exact and specific situation, because lives are just so different.

If you're 100% honest with yourself, and aren't:

1. Nit-picking to find any excuse not to be with a person, or
2. Looking for the perfect person according to some checklist, then

You're doing everything right and will find someone who treats you as you want to be treated, and vice versa.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Anthony, that really helped, and you put it nicely too. It is easier for someone on the outside to speak about it without having any knowledge of how it makes a person feel. I just found it interesting that she said exactly what he said...that she'd probably just laugh when things don't go to plan. I guess neither of them really looked at it from my point of view though. I do have a sense that it did eventually sink in with him though.

I do have specifics I am looking for in a mate...not a regular all night drinker is one of them. But I realise no one is perfect and that even someone who does meet all the things I think I want and need will still have differences that may be challenging in a relationship.