Confused By Supporter's (h's) Inconsistencies: Is It Deception?

[Powder]

I feel like running away from him permanently this time and never trying to trust someone ever again.

Today he revealed that what he said he was going to do (that he has been saying for three years and confirmed two weeks ago) is not what he wants and that he wants to revert to another plan that we already discussed and that I shared I could not handle or support based on my limits and what I feel is fair to the family. Instead of hearing my upset at feeling led up the garden path (again) and how triggering that is coming from a man I have sex with, he feels I'm over-reacting and just reverts to the original plan verbally as if that somehow "fixes me." "I just want to please you?" "Don't you love me?" he says.

I am feeling so used. I'm so tired. I work two jobs just to support my family of four. He is a stay at home Dad, but doesn't do enough at home b/c he does volunteer work (which was in aid of the original job plan; he's been unemployed for years). As you can see, I'm burning out and suffering high levels of symptoms and this was too much.

I don't know if I can "keep maintaining" my supporter, who appears to have his own issues, which are really hurting me. I want to be "supportive" of him, but he doesn't keep a goal long enough for me to even keep track of what I'm supposed to support. I'm supporting one plan, and then he wants to change it to another one I don't agree to, and he cycles this. (This is the third cycle. So I think he really wants the plan I don't want, and is behaving in passive-aggressive cycles?) I'd appreciate any feedback.

I don't know what to do and I'm hurt, angry, and confused. I don't want this any more. He's hurting me, and I don't think he's responsible enough to be a husband/parent, and he can't handle me. He's not man enough for this.

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[Zipperhead]

Owww,

Okay. I don't know what the plans are, and why you are against his plan A, but if he keeps reverting back to that one then one of three things is going on.

1) That is his true want and he keeps reverting there hoping to get a more positive response.

---In which case you really need to come to grips with why you oppose the plan, can you support it in any form, and is it a deal breaker.

2) He really oppose plan B, and does not see a plan C, so he reverts back to A, once again hoping for a more positive response.

---In which case you may be able to form a plan C that will be mutually agreeable.

or

3) He doesn't want to do anything there for he reverts to a plan he knows you will never agree to.

---In which case, well, I don't know your situation so it's hard to say.

Having said all this, you speak of him in highly derogitory terms, and it is very possible that maybe you have already formulated your plan C, and just want support from this Forum in your pending separation. If you do find common ground I think you will have a long road to back to happiness. A more detailed explanation of the situation might allow for more direct responses though.

 

[Powder]

Thank you Zipperhead,

I was thinking that he really wants plan A, too. I was able to calm down after writing my worst, most suspicious thoughts down here. After just telling him my emotions, it became obvious that he triggered my emotions by appearing to do the above that Z offered, to not be honest about his true feelings.

It turns out that he was explaining a hypothetical that would happen if our plan didn't work, and he got excited and imaginative and gave the wrong impression. He also confessed that he doesn't think the plan WE want will work with my PTSD. I keep telling him NOT to treat me as so fragile with PTSD, but when he sees my symptoms and levels of emotions coming out, he thinks it's all really bad.

The truth is, I'm still a strong survivor. I've survived worse than what we want to do, and I honestly think it will be hard, but that I want to handle it and think I can. I have to keep reminding him we can make it work, but he feels guilty either way, not working or going to a five month program that will be hard on the family.

He may have doubts that HE can handle it. I don't know where the doubts come from, totally, but I over-reacted (again). I forget that I've had 17 years of good, and only see all the betrayals in my life. I only see my fear and inability to trust when I get triggered. :(

We were able to work it out but the upset lingers a bit for a while and we are realizing that all plans A-Z involve so much stress that we both feel it's going to take a huge stroke of luck or God to work. Some things you just have to have faith and take it one day and one step at a time.

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[Zipperhead]

I have been off work for over a year now. Last week my wife started "hinting" it might be time to start looking for a job. Being off work has greatly affected my self esteme and confidence. She is right that I need to start moving on. But her plan scares me. I have the what if's big time. And I don't see an opertunity out there that's even going to cover child care expenses. Her simplistic view and my what if's aren't matching up.

We PTSD Sufferers aren't the only people affected by fear of change. It is likely your husband is caught in the same rut. Fear of failure, sometimes it's easier not to try then to fail. And if the plan is daunting, flight mode looks aweful tempting. You two need to come up with a plan together, one that covers all the fear he may be experiencing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Screw the volunteer work!!

Your H needs to take care of his family before trying to help the rest of the world.

He needs to grow up and take care of his own. I see you as being USED. Two jobs and he can't even take care of the home?!?

 

[Zipperhead]

Volunteer work is important too. Especially if it relates to your kids, or helps you move into a career path. It is not nescicarily the husbands job to provide for ones family! This isn't the 1950s here! My wife makes far more than I could ever hope to make, and with child care expenses sometimes it doesn't make finacial sense for both parents to work. Is caring for ones kids not a valuable contribution to society? I am reminded of another time, when women's place was in the home, and men often marginalised thier contributions. She's just a house wife! Really? Try it sometime and see how fast that day goes. Maybe someone else needs to grow up here, or at least move into the 1990s and accept that a caregiver is a valuable member of society.

I personaly had a good job. My wife didn't like that job, so I quit. Now due to health reasons (shrapnel injuries to left shoulder, right hand and arm, chest and face, prolapsed disks in my lower back) I have very limited job options. At least I still have my military pension coming in, I guess. It was our decision that I leave the Military. Now she wants me to get a job, because the pension isn't cutting it. Really? Who's going to hire some blown to sh#t army Sgt has been with no education?

Scared, I know your comments weren't meant for me, but I think it important that you recognise how close these situations really are, and how only knowing half the story really changes the perceptions. Why is he the stay at home dad? What are his options and earning potential? What groups does he volunteer with and to what end? How old are the Kids, and are there suitable and affordable daycare options? How can we judge with out all these details?

So I really have to go back to my original advice. The two of you need to come up with a plan that satisfies both of your needs, that covers all his fears. You are a team. You are not his boss, but his decisions will affect you so you need a say too. In the end, if he doubts his ability to pull it off, then you need to help him get over his fear, or come up with a new plan.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Muse)))))

Please take care of yourself.

Two jobs is too much for most to handle, much less those with PTSD.

His changing a several-year oath without consulting you all the way through is at best disrespectful.

Forgive me if I am mis-reading this, but it sounds as if he may be displaying a few anti-social traits, such as lying and a 'parasitic lifestyle.'

"HE LIES TO YOU
The Mayo Clinic reports that consistent lying and deception are chief symptoms of a sociopath. Many people lie, but if your husband is truly a sociopath, he may have trouble telling you the truth on a consistent basis. If you do catch him in a lie, he is also likely to be skilled at talking his way out of trouble. True sociopaths lie without control or remorse, although they may attempt to show remorse for problems or pains their lies have caused from time to time."

"HE ACTS IMPULSIVELY
According to psychopath expert and author of "Without Conscience," Robert Hare suggests that all psychopaths act impulsively and without thinking at times. "Psychopaths are unlikely to spend much time weighing the pros and cons of a course of action or considering the possible consequences," he says. " 'I did it because I felt like it,' is a common response." He also suggests that this impulsive nature will cause them to change their plans often as well, as they don't give too much of a thought to how their current plans will affect their future. This may include making decisions about the household or even spending money from your joint account without accounting for it."

"HE SHIRKS HIS RESPONSIBILITIES
Sociopaths tend to pay little attention to their responsibilities. Husbands who pay little to no attention to the children, don't pay child support or disregard other duties in their homes and lives are displaying some of the classic sociopathic signs. "Obligations and commitments mean nothing to psychopaths," says Hare. "Their good intentions ... are promises written on the wind." He suggests that poor credit history, mounting child support, inability to hold a job and poor parenting are signs of a sociopath and, when combined with other warning signs, could mean that your husband needs help." Source: http://www.livestrong.com/article/136001-signs-your-husband-is-sociopath/

I hope I am wrong. In any case, please don't fall for the pity-play manipulation if 'don't you love me?' because love is above all a series of loving ACTIONS which are to the benefit of the loved one. You working two jobs is an example of this over time.

 

[Powder]

Thank you all for helping me see the sides to the discussion, which has been going on in my head too. He has worked for a long time, and due to the economy, his construction business could not be maintained (insurance and other costs came due and 6 months of jobs lined up called and cancelled when the stock market dropped; they were all retirees and got cold feet).

He has been a stay at home Dad for our two children, one of which is two. She is wonderful but very active and difficult to persuade. He has better luck getting her out of her tantrum modes because he is more upbeat and fun than I am. So it's working out well that way. He usually does the housework but I didn't give the full details that I should: he has narcolepsy and is on meds for it (a recent thing) so until recently, I thought he was just lazy. Why should he be so tired all the time when I work full time and have PTSD? Well, he has it pretty bad. His sleep does little for him, and he is up late sometimes with the restless 2 year old when she falls asleep at dinner and then keeps us up until 12:30 pm.

So he's not a bad person, is what I'm trying to say. He is a college student and even though it's my job to tell people to go back to school and that getting an education is key, it's hard on families when parents are older and there are responsibilities to attend to. His volunteer work, which keeps him pretty busy, is to be a cop and he is a reserve officer. He likes it and wants to get hired, but they haven't hired in 2 yrs due to budget cuts. They are talking about hiring 12 more. I want him to be one of them. He rides with a Sgt who likes him a lot and who might have clout in recommending him for hire. None of the others have that in, that he knows of. He's close to having his Associates degree, which would help. But he is feeling fear that I won't cope at all well with him being at the Academy for 5 months M-F night. He's right. I'm scared, too. I get symptomatic when he goes out at night, so how will I cope with being alone with no man in the house all week? I will have a hard time, as I get fearful at night. I told him we'd have to get a bigger dog and invisible fencing so it could roam all the way around the house, and a security system. ;)

I even said that him working is more important than me, even though I have the Master's degree that I busted my a** to earn, not to mention the position(s) I have are awesome in many ways. So he, like Zipperhead, knows that my jobs are actually better than his options barring the cop job, which I am also afraid could give him PTSD as well. Could we function with two of us having PTSD? OMG I doubt it! So I am left with him wanting to finish a four year degree, and I feel like, "How long can I go on this way?" Probably I can go on this way, and will have no choice. We are a team, and he is a wonderful supporter and father. He earns his keep in being a wonderful partner in life and dad to our kids. He is remodeling our house, slowly but surely. So he wants to contribute what he can. My issues do impair him somewhat, as I will sometimes call him or stop his working on the house when the kids drive me to the point where I need to take meds or get ringing in my ears really bad. :( I think I'm being a bit of a baby, and also, just not trusting of men in general, or anyone, for that matter. There is No I in 'TEAM' doesn't apply to those with major trust issues. We want to be a team of one.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Muse)))))

I'm relieved. He does sound like a good guy!

So sorry this is rough on you but it does sound like you are dealing with it all despite that.

The evenings won't be hard for long...your system will adjust and learn tolerance for being alone, but it will take time.

 

[Powder]

PS. I do hear what you're saying Bloomin on the sociopath issues. I know sociopaths: that's my Dad. My H has other issues, that with narcolepsy, he tried so hard in school his whole life only to do poorly on tests. He had low self esteem and ran away from home twice due to feeling like he had no future in life academically. He didn't want to be a construction guy like his dad, who worked 7 days a week to feed four boys at home. He hated home. That's what we have in common. Other than that, I'm a nerd and whiz academically and he wants to improve that area, so he's in classes, working hard to just do well with online classes, which are easier for those with narcolepsy (the droning voice, white walls and florescent lights put him to sleep). I am not very supportive of his college plan because I want an H who works; it is that simple. I don't know that having a degree will improve his prospects much around here. We'd have to move. I know how unrealistic it could be when I am doing well here. It's a long story and pertains to our area more than anything. We have 70% hispanic population here; I grew up in Latin America and speak Spanish so as a white bilingual female with two degrees, I'm better situated than a white male que no habla espanol. ALL jobs in this town read "Bilingual required!" and many can't print or say it, but they want a hispanic person to be a role model, so even if he took years of Spanish, it would not help in 90% of the helping profession positions here. :( It's just the way it is. So we'd have to sell and move our family to a town where he's not the minority. I am fine with that, but it's easier said than done and in this economy, I just don't know. I'm just run down and emotional at this point, you know. Running out of patience, when I want to be supportive and patient. He's always been so confused about what to do with himself. He even did construction for years though he swore he would not.

Scared of Lonely, I feel just how you said, and those emotions of not feeling financially supported are there, even though I just explained all the facts that justify the situation. The truth is, it's hard to work so much and come home and not feel jealous that he gets so much time with the kids I bore. It's hard to not feel that though it's great as a woman I get to have a good job and moonlight contract, and I am grateful for it, really I am, that he should be doing the same level of functionality that I am. But we are different people with differences that run deep. He is not good at the things I am good at, and he can do amazing things I cannot even attempt. So it's unfair of me to not deal with those issues. My thoughts are that my main job has no long-term security, and if he got the police job, he would. I don't want to lose all we've worked for because I'll lose the family car if my grant-funded job ends due to the gov't going broke. I'm just scared.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Wow, Muse...I'm so sorry you're dealing with so much.

It's great that you are identifying your needs and evaluating your options! That is effectiveness in action, even if it doesn't resolve anytime soon.

My hubby & I wouldn't risk disrupting our family budget, especially while our kids are still so young, unless the likihood of rewarding payoff for all of us was greater than the risk.

I have settled in a job that is 'good enough' because of the security and stability, which we determined to be more important than our 'dream job' even with the median salary and no opportunities to ever advance. But I do regularly dream of better so I can understand his feelings there too.

Tough situation to be in.

Would he be employable in his chosen field with a narcolepsy diagnosis? Here, someone wouldn't be likely to be insurable by an agency due to the driving risk. But there are subsets of careers where driving doesn't matter.

 

[BloomInWinter]

He does sound lonely and overwhelmed. It's tough with little ones all day.

It there any social outlet that could help him recharge his batteries on a regular basis and increases his network of people who know him?

Perhaps the desire to change career tracks to one that will uproot you all is partly due to a desire for a geographical cure out of lonliness...but it sounds like it ultimately might just cause you both to switch places, which wouldn't be helpful in the long run.

My hubby joined there a playgroup he could take our daughter to, which helped him have structure to his day while I was at work in the morning. The Moms got to know him and he felt valued and 'seen' and appreciated. It made a huge difference.