Relationship consequences?

[mchrisoss]

If someone with PTSD (my SO) commits to getting treatment, staying on meds, etc. and doesn't do these things, what are the appropriate "consequences"? I want to have healthy boundaries for both of us, but I don't understand how to do that without making him feel like I'm imposing my will on him - a major trigger.
I know sometimes that going to treatment feels like too much work, like it will exacerbate the trauma (and this has happened before in his therapy) , so I get that it's not a situation of "if he loved me he would do it." I just don't understand what I'm supposed to do on this side of things.

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t have any advice really because I’m on the sufferer side and boundaries are something I am terrible at. But :hug: and just try to have some patience. This stuff is hard as f*ck.

 

[mchrisoss]

I don’t have any advice really because I’m on the sufferer side and boundaries are something I am terrible at. But :hug: and just try to have some patience. This stuff is hard as f*ck.

Seriously, it's brutal. Thank you.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you married? Is he your boyfriend? Are you two living together?

Honestly, it’s ok to say “if you aren’t in treatment, I cannot be in this relationship.”

 

[mchrisoss]

We do live together. When we first got together, that was one of the conditions, that we would both be in therapy and see a psychiatrist. He had a breakdown in September-ish that we're still trying to get back on track from. I feel weird giving ultimatums because I know that he will react defensively. We have therapy on the calendar for him and he's agreed to try trauma-sensitive yoga, so he is willing to at least try, but I'm not sure what to do if there is a break again or an entire giving up.

 

[Justmehere]

If someone with PTSD (my SO) commits to getting treatment, staying on meds, etc. and doesn't do these things, what are the appropriate "consequences"? I want to have healthy boundaries for both of us, but I don't understand how to do that without making him feel like I'm imposing my will on him - a major trigger.

Healthy boundaries have little to do with "consequences." They are not about trying to penalize someone out of problematic behavior or choices. In fact, they are not about changing or controlling the other person at all. Ultimatums tend to fail and turn into power struggles, at best.

Healthy boundaries are about our own limits, and managing what we choose to do and let into our lives and not, in response to another's choices.

You made it clear at the get go that you would not be in the relationship unless he was in treatment. He chose not to be in treatment for a time. It's good he is scheduled to get back into treatment. I would take time to sort out what you need to stay in the relationship. If you need him in regular treatment in order for you to stay in the relationship, then it's reasonable to communicate what you will do to take care of you, and manage that limit, if he chooses to not go to treatment. Something like, "if you make the choice to not go to treatment, in order to take care of me and my needs, I will need to leave the relationship." It could be that you find another place to stay, that you break up for a time until he is willing to go back, etc. Whatever the choice is, it has to be about you managing what you let into your life and not, and it has to be something you do. It can't be, "if you don't go to treatment you need to...."

I would let him and a professional sort out what that treatment will be, but it's ok to make it clear you can't stay in the relationship if he doesn't get it.

If you are not willing to keep that boundary, that's ok - but I wouldn't bother continuing to express that he needs to be in treatment for you to be in the relationship with him. That will just turn into nagging and trying to change him, and sending him a mixed message that your boundaries are not really boundaries, there is no negative outcome if he crosses them. If you are not willing to leave the relationship if he doesn't follow through on treatment, that's really ok too, but don't hold that to him. What he is responsible for is his choices. It's your choice to stay or go. If you stay, other possible boundaries could be that you spend less time with him until he gets treatment and you'll instead spend more time with friends or etc. If you make it clear you are doing this to take care of you and stay within the limits of what you can do, that's less likely to be something that brings up his defenses. It's about you. And what you can and can't do. Rather than him being at fault or to blame.

 

[mchrisoss]

Thank you. I very much appreciate this.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He doesn’t get a say in your boundaries either. They’re your limits. Since you cannot control anybody but yourself, your boundaries are what you’re willing to tolerate. He doesn’t have to like them. All he can do is choose to respect them or not. From there it’s up to you to enforce them.

I’d make sure you’re certain about your limits before setting them. You’re putting your money where your mouth is, so to say. You have to mean what you say, and consistently enforce those boundaries or they are worthless.

If you’re not willing to leave him, don’t say you will leave him. Trust is hard won when your partner has PTSD. Black/white. You have to figure out where your line really is, then lay it out for him clearly.

 

[mchrisoss]

Thank you. It's confusing to me to know what a good "boundary" is besides leaving. And leaving feels like a threat. I do understand what you're saying, all I can control is me and that I need to know what my limits are, but I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure how to find out. I feel like I'm constantly redrawing the boundary lines based on him trying or some unexpected trigger.

 

[Justmehere]

As a sufferer, it is very helpful to know what others need to stay in relationship with me. Unclear or inconsistent messages are hard. There is greater safety with clear boundaries.

And leaving feels like a threat.

But is it?

No *healthy* relationship is built on the expectation that a supporter never have needs or limits. He may be afraid of abandonment, but you telling him what you need to stay, gives him a real and fair chance to make it work. You simply staying until you just can’t take it anymore, sets you both up for the relationship to fail. Try to reframe it not as a threat, but as an opportunity and a real chance to make it work.

I'm not sure how to find out.

I ask myself, “can I sustain this relationship as it is now?” If the answer is no, then I figure out what needs to change.

For example, I had a partner text me many times a day. I couldn’t sustain that. So I told them, to stay connected with you, I need less texts, and to really focus our time together in person as the main way we connect. It helped them to know. They were then able to express what they needed in the relationship too.

I feel like I'm constantly redrawing the boundary lines based on him trying or some unexpected trigger.

That’s why you’ve got to draw the boundaries based on you, and what you need, not wherever he is at. It’s up to him to manage his limits and even his triggers.

Example: I have a friend who gets super triggered about a specific subject. Instead of her trying to set her boundaries based on everyone else, she sets her boundaries on what she needs. It’s so much easier now on our relationship. I know what she needs to be able to be friends.

Boundaries are like our fences. You have the responsibility and opportunity to figure out what you want to let in your gates and not. It’s not easy, especially not at first, but it can help a lot.

 

[EveHarrington]

It might help to read up on boundaries, specifically learning about the three kinds: rigid, porous, and healthy. This may help you determine where your boundary lines are located.

 

[OrangeJulius]

I totally understand what you mean with not really knowing what your limits are. I read on this page over and over these great explanations, but I knew if I set the boundary I wouldn't keep it because I wouldn't mean it. And yes, in that mindset it does feel like an ultimatum because your mind hasn't transitioned from it being about them to being about you.

I don't really have any advice other than you'll know when you'll be able keep your boundary. I can't pinpoint any one thing that helped me with that transition because it was a combination of many things.

In the meantime, it was very helpful to me to discuss it with my boyfriend. I make it clear at the beginning of any conversations I start with what my goals for it are....which is usually just letting him know where I was mentally. I tell him that I just need him to know how I feel and express myself. And that is literally me saying "I understand why you don't want to get help. I wish you would because of xy and z. But you have you have to do this for you. Man this sucks. I wish I could something. Is there something I can do? If you ever think of something, you'll tell me right? You know I'll help get you to appointments, research specialists etc. Right? Ok. Anything you want to discuss with me? Good talk."

More recently I've reached a mental space that I could follow through on difficult boundaries....its a matter of letting him know what my boundary is. Unfortunately he is not in a mental space to hear it. And now I face choosing to enforce a boundary I haven't been given the opportunity to share with him or not.....which puts me kinda back to where I started.

Point: Its hard. It sucks. We're here. Always be honest.