wow pippi, I have been feeling the exact same way for months now.
It does make me feel better knowing I am not the only one who is like this. I just constantly have the feeling of being alone, and that I should push all my friends away.
every day all I can think about is how so many firends I used to have have killed themselves, or about all my past girlfriends and why they left me because I wasen't good enough, or how majority of my family totally abandoned me (my sister ran away and my mom left my dad for a HELLS ANGEL GUY)
When people would talk to me I was too busy thinking about past mistakes, things I shouldn't have done, reasons I should feel guilty, and it would make my stomach hurt, and I couldn't eat, or sleep, or focus on anything.
I actually thought I had cancer my stomach aches and nausea was so bad, then I learned it was just my body reacting to too much stress. I told the doctor I used to have lots of stress in my life, but I have been trying to remove myself from it.
So he asked me - do you constantly think about the times in your past when you where extremely stressed?
to which I replied "all the time, I can't stop" and he let me know that thinking back on times when u where stressed, can stress you just like where where back then.
He told me I need to get hobbies, do exercise, and just fill my day with activities that force me to focus on them so that I do not focus on other stuff. So I have been learning Drums, guitar, been drawing comics, writing stories, getting back into art. Before I realized that I was trying to live my life through others.
I need other peoples approval. I needed to have a girlfriend and have to like me, I needed my friends to think I was smart and strong, I needed my boss to like me, I needed to impress people I didn't know. I was justifying my life through other people. I now now, you cannot help others, until you help yourself.
and what I found to help combat the feeling of stress, and soo overwhelmed by thoughts of the past, and that I am not good enough for others was having people tell me this.
You do matter. You are not alone. Even though I do not know you, I care for you and want you to be happy. You don't need to feel guilty about things from the past. People are silly when they are young and do stupid things, and people know that and will forgive you. Many people are too hard on themselves, and just focus on their failures. Everyone fails some things and make mistakes, it is how people learn.
Another thing I found that's amazing, that at first I didn't think it would help, but it does.
Even if you feel like crap, and hate everything try your hardest to smile. Think about a past pet, or a current pet, or how someone complemented you or anything. After about 5 or seconds of smiling you can't help but feel "Happiness is a choice, and I can choose to be happy or not. I Need to stop being so hard on myself because what I think the root of the problem is, I feel I do no deserve to be happy, BUT I DO DESERVE IT!"
