Stephernovas
Gold Member
As you can tell, from this post - I'm back.
I took some time away from the forum as I got to a point where I worried that reading the struggles and negative posts from others was causing some perpetuation of my negativity and symptoms. In a way, I guess that was true but I've also come to realize I simply was not at a place where I could tolerate so much additional PTSD stuff. I had to stop reading about everything and try to handle what life was throwing at me as it was. Anyways, it's been a few months now and I just got back a report from an OT (for driving rehab) that highlighted that I still had very severe symptoms. I basically had a 3 day panic attack and appeared so unwell at my assessment that the security guard approached me twice asking the OT I was with if he should call me an ambulance.
With all that being said, over the past few days I've finally come to realize that whatever other people say or think about how we are tolerating the day DOES NOT MATTER. For some reason after spending Thanksgiving at my sister's house (Canadian Thanksgiving), I found myself at home exhaling deeply trying to de-stress. Now I have had some stressful things arise throughout my recovery and if I'm being honest my head has still been spinning from the trip I took to get my driving rehab assessment, so some could've come from there. However, in comparison to things I used to tolerate, manage and work through, something finally clicked for me and it sank it that I was at my max of what I, as an individual could handle before my anxiety kicked in. Since that night I've been trying to pay attention and stop whatever activity, thought or conversation is starting to push me into whatever anxiety symptom it triggers. It's been working alright, and it's allowed me to notice my tactics of trying to calm down of trying to take a slow, deep breath (something as simple as breathing) is still very hard for me.
I would say maybe 25% of the time I'm actually able to get a full, deep breath and it helps to release a small bit of stress. The other 75%? I can breathe in as deep as I want, but I cannot catch a full breath. I've taken that as an indication that even what I thought was me catching my stress and anxiety before it got to far wasn't totally accurate. Before I even notice, my body is doing things that are negatively responding to triggers. To truly get better at managing this, rather than catching it every time I'm on the brink of spinning into a trigger of an anxiety symptom I am shocked, amazed, relieved, thankful, saddened, and worried, yet happy that I have finally been able to begin to realize how little I can tolerate.
I mean I hope I'm onto something and this doesn't become a phase, but after 1.5 years post accident, it's becoming evident to me how regular daily activities are tough for someone with PTSD. I also have been dealing with chronic pain and the stress of dealing with worker's comp. but I am so glad I'm feeling more confident in knowing my limits so I can tell them off. I've felt like a show monkey each time they tried to pressure me into an 'assessment' with every report coming back as 'severe'. I've also had problems with cognitive stuff in addition to it, and with worker's comp. dragging their butts with getting me proper and accurate treatment, it's been tough.
Breathing and feeling relaxed should not be a luxury. If you're struggling, give yourself a time out. We do not need to put on a show of panic for people who do not understand and/or are pressuring you. We may have been through crappy stuff and diagnosed with this rollercoaster, but your only obligation in life is to take care of you. If I have to, I plan on spending the rest of my life learning how to keep myself balanced. The world has enough problems already, pushing yourself into more distress to meet the demands of the world is not a life I intend to live. I deserve better.
I took some time away from the forum as I got to a point where I worried that reading the struggles and negative posts from others was causing some perpetuation of my negativity and symptoms. In a way, I guess that was true but I've also come to realize I simply was not at a place where I could tolerate so much additional PTSD stuff. I had to stop reading about everything and try to handle what life was throwing at me as it was. Anyways, it's been a few months now and I just got back a report from an OT (for driving rehab) that highlighted that I still had very severe symptoms. I basically had a 3 day panic attack and appeared so unwell at my assessment that the security guard approached me twice asking the OT I was with if he should call me an ambulance.
With all that being said, over the past few days I've finally come to realize that whatever other people say or think about how we are tolerating the day DOES NOT MATTER. For some reason after spending Thanksgiving at my sister's house (Canadian Thanksgiving), I found myself at home exhaling deeply trying to de-stress. Now I have had some stressful things arise throughout my recovery and if I'm being honest my head has still been spinning from the trip I took to get my driving rehab assessment, so some could've come from there. However, in comparison to things I used to tolerate, manage and work through, something finally clicked for me and it sank it that I was at my max of what I, as an individual could handle before my anxiety kicked in. Since that night I've been trying to pay attention and stop whatever activity, thought or conversation is starting to push me into whatever anxiety symptom it triggers. It's been working alright, and it's allowed me to notice my tactics of trying to calm down of trying to take a slow, deep breath (something as simple as breathing) is still very hard for me.
I would say maybe 25% of the time I'm actually able to get a full, deep breath and it helps to release a small bit of stress. The other 75%? I can breathe in as deep as I want, but I cannot catch a full breath. I've taken that as an indication that even what I thought was me catching my stress and anxiety before it got to far wasn't totally accurate. Before I even notice, my body is doing things that are negatively responding to triggers. To truly get better at managing this, rather than catching it every time I'm on the brink of spinning into a trigger of an anxiety symptom I am shocked, amazed, relieved, thankful, saddened, and worried, yet happy that I have finally been able to begin to realize how little I can tolerate.
I mean I hope I'm onto something and this doesn't become a phase, but after 1.5 years post accident, it's becoming evident to me how regular daily activities are tough for someone with PTSD. I also have been dealing with chronic pain and the stress of dealing with worker's comp. but I am so glad I'm feeling more confident in knowing my limits so I can tell them off. I've felt like a show monkey each time they tried to pressure me into an 'assessment' with every report coming back as 'severe'. I've also had problems with cognitive stuff in addition to it, and with worker's comp. dragging their butts with getting me proper and accurate treatment, it's been tough.
Breathing and feeling relaxed should not be a luxury. If you're struggling, give yourself a time out. We do not need to put on a show of panic for people who do not understand and/or are pressuring you. We may have been through crappy stuff and diagnosed with this rollercoaster, but your only obligation in life is to take care of you. If I have to, I plan on spending the rest of my life learning how to keep myself balanced. The world has enough problems already, pushing yourself into more distress to meet the demands of the world is not a life I intend to live. I deserve better.
