Relationship Control creeping in again.

[A13]

My partner and I had issues last year. We both told stupid lies and I thought when we agreed that it was wrong but put it in the past.

My bf doesn’t like me chatting to other males eg work colleagues etc so I make sure I don’t.

Tonight my sister had a few people to her house few people from work. One female who I am very close too and she travelled with another male from work who was also there. They were all drinking but I’m almost 20 weeks pregnant with bfs baby and he’s working. So I popped over for a couple of hours to see another friend who I hadn’t seen in a few weeks.
My partner was acting a bit suspicious and told me he was coming home from night shift so I said to the company I was going home and left. Within the 5 mins my bf phoned me and said I hear a mans voice there. I asked why the hell there’d be a man here.
He went off the phone anyway then sent me a text and asked was I actually home. I sent a picture of the room basically proving I was
He then text me saying exactly who all was at Hollies (my sisters)
I told him; sister, Clare, Ben and Janine

He text me “good night!” Meaning that was the end to our conversation... I know he’s pissed cos 1 dude was there but I find it extreme that he’s now ignoring me..... wtf do I do. It’s somewhat controlling and being pregnant not what I want to be dealing with .... I doubt this a PTSD issue but how do I go about getting my point across without making them his bigger drama over nothing ?

 

[WTF Happened]

I'd just like to jump in as a male without PTSD... this isn't normal. Like you said, this has nothing to do with PTSD. Us guys, no matter what our challenges, have no right to control any woman. I want to be respectful because I hear that he is the father of your child so of course this is an important relationship... and I'm sympathetic... but you not talking to other men because your boyfriend's jealous? That is completely insane. It's insane of him to make you feel like you can't talk to other men and, I'm sorry, it's insane for you to acquiesce to that.

You're not his property. You're his partner.

I don't doubt that your accepting this behavior has nothing to do with you being a pushover and everything to do with you not wanting to upset someone who already suffers enough with PTSD. That's great for him, but what about you? Is this how you're going to live your life?

 

[Sweetpea76]

First off, don’t ever lie or make excuses to appease your partner. That was the only thing questionable thing you did. Always be honest, even if it will get a reaction.

It is unreasonable to expect you to never be in the presence of another man. Half the population of the world is male, you’re bound to run into one at some point in time. He needs to unf*ck himself in a hurry over that idiocy. Do not indulge that.

IF I were you I’d apologize for not being honest about the male being there at first. That’s the ONLY thing I’d apologize for. Let him have his jealous snit hissy fit. You’re not going to be able to do anything about that right now. When he settles down have a little talk about how being a jealous possessive asshole isn’t going to work in his favor.

 

[EveHarrington]

Wow, yes, that is a HUGE red flag, not allowing you around other males.

This is very controlling and while it doesn’t seem like a huge deal now, the issue may very well not stop with this, that is it could escalate to violence towards you and your child.

It’s abusive to isolate you from others.

It shows a complete lack of trust.

Jealousy destroys relationships. My dad’s wife is so jealous of other women that he can’t be around them, including his own two daughters. (HIS OWN DAUGHTERS!!!)

Just out of curiosity, does he talk to other women?

 

[Gs172003]

Yeah don't entertain that crap. I was married to a man that wouldn't let me go anywhere with my friend because "a man might flirt with me". He would check and see where I was no matter what I was doing... working, at the grocery with my mom, etc and if I was gone longer than he thought I should have been I got screamed at when I got home. He controlled every dime we had. With three kids it made things very difficult for me. I had to borrow money for a freaking Coke at work even though the man worked at Ford. The dude gave me a bed time.

Why am I telling you this?

Dont let things slowly keep getting worse until you feel trapped. You have a baby coming. Do something about it now and if it doesn't stop...get out.

 

[Sideways]

Is your partner in treatment? If not, is couples therapy an option?

There’s so many problems with avoiding male company to placate your partner. Primarily because you’re setting yourself up to fail: there will always be men coming and going, and that’s not actually something you have control over. Like a friend bringing their male partner to a party unexpectedly. Actually you’ve done nothing wrong just by being there, but the pattern being established here is that somehow you’ve betrayed your partner through absolutely no fault of your own.

Secondly because you’re feeding and fuelling a really unhealthy issue that your partner has. If your partner decided to alfoil the roof of your house to protect you both from the mothership - the answer isn’t to alfoil the roof of the house for the sake of it, yeah?

Showing him your phone doesn’t work (even when it’s rationally the proof he apparently needs), because this is an impossible standard to meet. You won’t ever be able to ‘placate’ him enough.

The other glaring issue is that the is one of those huge red flags for what progresses into a DV situation. With or without physical violence, isolating you and blaming you for things out of your control are hallmarks of abuse. And it has a nasty tendency to get worse.

With a bub on the way, it probably feels like “now isn’t the time to poke the bear...”. But actually, now is the very best time, because you want to do everything you can to get this nipped in the bud before bub arrives, because you’ll have waaaaay too much going on after bub arrives, and absolutely bub deserves to arrive into a home that is safe.

 

[A13]

It’s got worse... this morning when he came home from nightshift you could visibly see a wet footprint on our front step. He’s actually accusing me of having a man here and saying it’s a mans footprint!!!!
I have promised him on everything there definitely wasn’t but he’s gone to bed in a huff
This is absolutely insane. Just feel like crying

 

[Hojay]

Sadly, I think this is one of those moments where a zero tolerance policy should be the only policy. Don’t stand for it, don’t accommodate, don’t try to empathize with all the reasons why he might be jealous. Just nope. Control like this is a gateway drug to abuse, as many above have said. Don’t minimize it, don’t live in denial. I think there is hope that someone can turn back from this (through a lot of self reflection and with help,) but ONLY if you actually let him bump up against that boundary again and again. It’s not helping him and his trust issues to accommodate these preposterous demands. If he’s going to learn to trust it’s not going to be through micro managing your behavior.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Get mad! How insulting is it that he thinks you’re that promiscuous? That you cannot see or talk to a man without sleeping with him?

I wouldn’t feel sad or upset, I’d be livid!! Especially if I’ve never cheated on him before, and especially if I was carrying his child.

 

[Gs172003]

It’s got worse... this morning when he came home from nightshift you could visibly see a wet footprint on our front step. He’s actually accusing me of having a man here and saying it’s a mans footprint!!!!
I have promised him on everything there definitely wasn’t but he’s gone to bed in a huff
This is absolutely insane. Just feel like crying

You have nothing to cry for. You did nothing wrong. But I get it.

Remember the man I told you about?
I couldn't get upset and leave the room without him picking the lock to finish his tirade. I couldn't call somebody to come get me ( this was before cell phones were so common) without him pulling the phone out of the wall and then punching holes in the wall for emphasis.
Again...don't let it get to that.
If he is pouting over a man being in the room stop it here. Don't let him keep pushing until you are nothing more than property.

 

[A13]

It gets more weird. I didn’t even know this was possible but he has my WhatsApp linked to a desktop WhatsApp web. Which will have allowed him to monitor all my texts!!!!!!! I think this is a tough one to get past. Surely this is a form of domestic abuse. That’s private and personal stuff and he has it linked to see my every move .....

 

[Gs172003]

It gets more weird. I didn’t even know this was possible but he has my WhatsApp linked to a desktop WhatsApp web. Which will have allowed him to monitor all my texts!!!!!!! I think this is a tough one to get past. Surely this is a form of domestic abuse. That’s private and personal stuff and he has it linked to see my every move .....

Yeah....that's not ok. It's time for intervention or for you to get out. He won't just do it to you. Your child will be a target too.