Controlling??

[A13]

Sorry If this seems like a stupid question.
I kind of feel like my partner is controlling, he has serious trust issues and I’m wondering is this part of PTSD or is this just his underlying personality?

We have recently got back together and he gave me all the empty promises; he’d go back to therapy, he wouldn’t check through my phone, he was working on his trust issues. Just as things appeared from my side to be going great.

We went to a Halloween party when we got home and went to bed he checked my phone when I was sleeping. I had a text from a guy who’s number I took when holidaying (who said he could arrange a shoot for my sister and I and get us into club for free if we wanted) Absolutely nothing more.
Out of the blue this guy from Vegas dropped me a text saying “hi, hope ur well”
He also sent my sister a FB message.
I replied just saying yes good, that spent the Halloween holidays with my family etc.

Now to be honest I foolishly denied replying to him to save a huge row. A few hours later when it was calm I asked him to talk and admitted I had replied. But unbeknown to me he already knew I replied cos he checked my phone.

Now he’s giving me the silent treatment and I kinda feel like mentally he’s torturing me recently. I know I should have been honest about the reply but I was just trying to avoid him fighting with me for texting a guy as he’s super jealous.

Relationship feels really unhealthy atm and I’m just mindful that this level of control and manipulation isn’t great! I don’t believe he sees what he’s doing. But I don’t know what he’s thinking I guess...

Little help??

 

[Ronin]

Trust issues as in this disorder issues do not make one go through someone else’s phone.

Or guilt tripping them for just having social life later.
Or making them second guess every move and word.

That is not the disorder, but abuse.
(And regardless if he sees what he is doing or not, he needs to stop.
Treating you, or anyone, that way, is wrong, and you are right on the money with judging it as controling and weird.)

 

[nursenurse]

Would you tolerate this from a non PTSD guy? I certainly would not. The silent treatment is juvenile at best, and smacks of control at its worst. Not to be confused with a PTSD time out. If you feel the relationship is unhealthy, then it is. Trust your gut. He also has to earn your trust. Checking your phone, breaking the empty promises paint the bigger picture of someone who is not going to change. He is not being accountable, neither are you holding him accountable without well set boundaries and consequences.

My gut tells me to tell you to move on, as hard as that may sound. Trust yourself more. He, in my opinion, has not earned yours. And as you have learned, never lie. It keeps your integrity intact. However, I am willing to bet most of us have done so at some time because we just wanted to avoid the inevitable fight for a bit. Except now he can be twice mad that you answered and you lied about it, at first. But remember who checked the phone first. Twice. And has what you called serious issues including jealousy. If he has no interest in working on huge red flag issues, why on earth would you?

Don’t roll over. Decide what you want and need. Then stick with it. Good luck.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Lock your phone. He blew it. You're allowed contact with the outside world.

 

[Friday]

I don’t believe he sees what he’s doing.

Probably not. Although maybe. The same way you’re probably not aware of how it’s manipulative & controlling to lie to someone to avoid a row. But maybe. You came back & fessed up, but whether that’s because you felt bad for lying, or felt bad for attempting to manipulate & control him? Or for another reason entirely? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Because these things are so often circular when you’re living them (but he / but she / but you’d understand if you knew about ABC / but here’s why I’m justified & they aren’t / but here’s why it’s a big deal when they do it but not when I do it / etc. :confused: )

We have recently got back together and he gave me all the empty promises; he’d go back to therapy, he wouldn’t check through my phone, he was working on his trust issues.

Can’t agree more strongly with @Sweetpea76

“He blew it. You're allowed contact with the outside world.”

It doesn’t matter that he’s mad at you for what you did. That doesn’t erase what he did. He promised not to go through your phone & he did. He blew it.

he has serious trust issues and I’m wondering is this part of PTSD or is this just his underlying personality?

Both. The trust issues are PTSD-land, how he chooses to deal with those trust issues are his personality.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think you fell for the lies and then let him 100% back into your life.

This is the problem.

It should have been that he goes to therapy, stays in therapy, you two start to rebuild AND LIVE IN SEPARATE HOMES. (Really had to stress that last bit).

Right now he knows he can just tell you what you want to hear and you’ll buy it, while he has to make no effort of his own.

Me, personally, I’d dump him.

This phone spying shit is just too much. If you can’t get a text from another male, what is he going to do when you see another male in person?

I think you need to realize that there is zero trust in your relationship, and without trust, there really is no relationship.

My advice? Get out and don’t look back.

Signed,
Someone who had her ENTIRE family shattered by the jealous bitch that her father married.

<<<Really, when you’re involved with someone who is jealous, you ARE risking all friends, your family, etc. Is this ass worth it? I don’t think so.>>>

 

[Hojay]

Phone checking is not ok. What’s also not ok is to lie about the extent of whatever communication you had. Dishonest behavior (lying) breeds more distrust (checking) breeds more dishonest behavior (lying) unless you stop taking responsibility for his trust issues and stay 100 percent honest regardless of his reactions (which is his responsibility.) Though there’s no excuse for checking someone’s phone, you do have to take responsibility for making it pretty hard for someone with trust issues to trust you if you, well, lie. There’s no excuse for that either, especially not “I wanted to avoid a row.” Trust can be rebuilt, takes two though and a lot of hard work on both sides. Not saying stay or go (phone checking is a big problem and he busted your boundaries there too,) just wanted to give a flipside perspective.

 

[A13]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate all the advice. I know I should never have denied replying to the text. Of course that’s going to make his trust issues worse. There’s no excuse for that.

The worst feeling in the world is when u love someone and have invested so much effort and energy into making it work and it just doesnt!! :(

 

[Hojay]

I know @Adm13, it truly is the worst feeling in the world and I’m going through it myself right now (or rather, finally seeing the light now 1 month post breakup.) I hope you didn’t take make comment the wrong way. I know how difficult it is to keep all the balls in the air as a supporter.