conundrum

[grit]

I am in a bind
I want you to think of me certain way
No matter what it is,
I will confirm or contradict
ooh wait!
I will add another layer
No matter what you think of me (which I cannot acknowledge it exist)
because I am not open to your influence just as I tried then
I want you to think I am difficult
unlovable, stupid, temperamental
crazy, raging, bully, needy, sick and left over
and I will do my best to correct you or contradict you and show you
I am gentle, kind, caring, human, sane, scared, afraid, alone and in love
and if you end up confused because I want you to think that way
and here I am contradicting you or confirm you
then you are not crazy, who is?

I woke up to this in my head and I feel I am spinning my heels.
Can anyone solve how one can see through this? I will not try to contradict you or to confirm you. I am genuinely curious about your take on this.
but then maybe I am. I am utterly confused.

Thank you,

 

[blackemerald1]

Well @grit I'd relax, it seems you are fundamentally & completely human. Commiserations :hug:

 

[Invisible Fire]

I can relate to this. What I am hearing is the inner struggle of learning to be vulnerable.

 

[grit]

I have to be very cautious how I frame this: It is humanity and it is vulnerability and I am trying to put words of feelings and understanding of myself that sort of pre-dates language. Little journey to the past but I am enjoying the process. As long as I am making sense to myself and to others without losing attention or eye brows going up, I think I am OK.

 

[Missycat]

I would agree with both @Invisible Fire and @blackemerald1 - it sounds (reads) as though you are having inner challenges and questioning your vulnerability .. and is maybe something that you have to work through to come out stronger at the other end.

 

[grit]

According to Google dictionary, vulnerability is defined: the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.

I had to look it up because even the words are losing meaning today. Yap! that sounds about right.

Thanks folks. I really appreciate your taking time to understand my inside out analogy and explain it back to me.

 

[blackemerald1]

Do you want to be vulnerable? For you is it a choice?

 

[grit]

It feels like when you are dealing with a very difficult person. And you start to plan everything you will say ahead of time but no matter what you think she will say.... You are always trumped. You end up confused and promise again to protect yourself next time. And again, that person does something else and you stop to believe you have a choice in the interaction. You shut down. You move on. You meet others and you are super planning and you show up and present your case... And because you plan for last person, they do not get wtf you are talking about. You are flabbergasted. Really! You plan to be super ready next time.... You are no longer ready or want be surprised or trumped. This goes on forever... The list getting confusing... The protection getting stronger. Then one day you wake up and you are exposed no more plan! What happens? That is where I am. It is about a lot of things but it is also perception and a way of being.
I am dealing with a difficult contractor who tells me every problem, physical issues, is not. All if sudden I find myself angry and fuming about his take on obvious things. Then all of sudden I notice the way my husband talks to him and how he speaks from pov of his interest not in reaction to the contractor words. Contractor says let us say a mouse... My husband stays grounded and say my issue is about the rabbit. Where I lose and feel is this guy f*cking me over? And I say no mouse a rabbit....but I am already in bind when I get lost in the fake mouse. Now I am feeling. Hi contractor, let us talk about my rabbit issues and do not feed on the distracting mouse issue... That is not my issue.
I was like that for all my life. Reacting to others rather than ground up. Do I want to be vulnerable? Who doesn't. Most of us we may not know how.
I hope this long response answered your question. I am heightened state of anxiety due to a lot things so I am more metaphorical today.

 

[Invisible Fire]

Not sure if I should respond but again I relate with what you are saying. Or it resonates with me. It’s always about the rabbit but others only can see the mouse. Not sure that makes sense but that’s what I am thinking.