Core Belief: I have to protect others from harm

[Ecdysis]

Ughhh.... I'm looking at the drivers of my ideation and I think this is a central one.

Growing up with trauma and neglect, as a very young kid, I realised that in my family and everywhere around me, no one was looking after anyone else. It was like everyone was on their own. Everyone only got marginal protection - a roof above the head, some scraps... enough to "survive" on...

That never felt like it was okay to me... I could see so much suffering and it was like no one else cared about it, no one saw it, no one gave a shit...

And my little kid brain decided that I had to be the one to fix that and make sure that everyone was okay.

Which is logically and un-do-able task... Just not possible... No matter how much you do, you can't possibly prevent all harm or suffering.

I don't feel like I can let go of that tho... The idea that I have to accept others suffering and that I can do almost nothing about it feels absolutely unbearable. Just no. No, no, no, no....

I guess that's part of the ideation... I'd rather be dead than have ot face that there is no way humanly possible that I can prevent harm and suffering.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Is that not the point? Some of us, that's how we are. Not necessarily something learned or done, simply how we are. Empathy? Some dont appear to have it, others have it to varying degrees. Some overwhelmingly due to life's events.

I could say a lot on this, but there is one person you can help right now.. yourself. You are suffering a lot, this Ideation must be awful. I dont "get" it or understand it very well. I care, I see, I give a shit though, many others do too.

You are not alone. Maybe dont have to accept others suffering, accept that you need to come first in this moment. When you are in a better place, can begin to tackle some other suffering? You already do even when not at your best. No one person can solve everything, even if we might like to.

There is the idea that if you do an act of kindness and that person does an act of kindness, then the next and the next... it gets passed on and grows, reducing more suffering.

 

[Susan Jane]

I understand and I am the same, want ing to protect and help. It is not always possible, so I do what I can. No one protected me and I feel so responsible for others, mostly children. My son brought ever broken child home to me, because he knew I would help. He is also so tender. I did a lot and I had to set boundaries. I ran myself into the ground with my empathy and being stressed and burnout doesn’t help anyone. I still feel these emotions and have to fight myself to take care of me first, because I deserve help as well

 

[whiteraven]

I could see so much suffering and it was like no one else cared about it, no one saw it, no one gave a shit..

Oh, yeah. I have been like this all my life, but mostly with animals. And it has gotten worse over the years, to include children.

No matter how much you do, you can't possibly prevent all harm or suffering.

Good that you recognize this. I know how hard it is, though, to feel like you should *live* with that.

I don't feel like I can let go of that tho... The idea that I have to accept others suffering and that I can do almost nothing about it feels absolutely unbearable. Just no. No, no, no, no....

I deal with this unbearable feeling every day. It's awful. I'm sorry you are also feeling it. I've had to, over the years, find small ways to understand and accept the suffering (I still don't accept it, except maybe in myself), and try to mitigate at least some of it. I remind myself over and over again what an absurd notion it is that *I* would be responsible for alleviating the world's suffering. That the very thing that makes me think this (the world revolves around me) is what is preventing me from doing anything where I can. I notice that there truly are other people who care, who are doing more than I ever could to prevent suffering in their part of their world.

I'm still working on it, but I'm working on things that I *can* do to help in very small ways. Even though I can't solve the problem (?) of suffering in the world, I can do it for individuals near me, and for those animals, it means the world.

I guess that's part of the ideation... I'd rather be dead than have ot face that there is no way humanly possible that I can prevent harm and suffering.

Yeah. I get this. I don't have the ideation nearly as much anymore, but I'm ok with not being here (which, truthfully, is a relief in so many ways).

Some of us, that's how we are. Not necessarily something learned or done, simply how we are. Empathy? Some dont appear to have it, others have it to varying degrees. Some overwhelmingly due to life's events.

This!

 

[Ecdysis]

Thank you all

I'm so grateful that people can relate.

I was thinking about this core belief last night and I think part of the heavy emotional load for me is that I grew up after a genocide. By the time I was born, it was over, but the generational trauma effects of it were still eerily present. We children were told we were "lucky" to have been born afterwards but it didn't really feel that way. The after-effects were still present, but we were expected to just pretend that things were normal now.

The ever looming stories from the genocide were like reports from horror movies, except they were real life. So I grew up knowing the depths of depravity that human beings are capable of and also intensely aware that the test of who you were as a human being and whether you had a good character, was how morally you would behave in situations like genocide - would you protect others, would you risk your own life to save others, would you stand up to injustice - and knowing that if you didn't have that moral courage, then people would die. And I would judge myself as a child, according to those standards.

I've always known that I carried that emotional burden with me, but for most of my life, I just accepted it as "normal". Only now at mid-life am I starting to feel how deep the impact was and how that never allowed any sense of "normalcy" in my childhood. Things always felt like a matter of life or death and the possibility of a genocide was just woven into the fabric of life and was part of the emotional landscape.

My parents ended up leaving the country because of it (which cause so much more trauma of a different kind).

It was also so weird growing up in a context where you knew you couldn't trust your grandparents or anyone else of that generation, because they may all have been perpetrators or immoral "bystanders" in the genocide.

Anyway, sorry... I don't want to derail the initial topic, which is something people can relate to, independent of growing up in a post-genocide situation. I think in my case I need to try and find a way to bring some healing to this aspect tho, because it makes the moral imperative "I must protect others" such a heavily loaded matter of life and death, which obviously skews that core belief into something particularly hard to bear.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Thank your for sharing that, it is important and relevant. That is a heavy thing to carry.

So many, myself included have no way of understanding what that must be like, being so removed from the events. From what I have read and heard, sharing stories and experiences connected to such things as genocide, helps to heal and hopefully prevent them from happening again.

We have to be aware, educate and remember otherwise the mistakes of the past repeat themselves. Even now there is war and atrocities that most people do not seem aware of, even those that are cannot truly comprehend, bringing awareness to such things seems to be the best way to help.

would you protect others, would you risk your own life to save others, would you stand up to injustice - and knowing that if you didn't have that moral courage, then people would die.

I would like to think most people would ask "how?" I do everyday, I have no idea.

 

[arfie]

back in the 80's, "the superwoman syndrome" was all the pop psychology rage and workshops for the syndrome were everywhere. i was handed even more flyers for superwoman workshops than divorce lawyers. i attended a few and this very topic was one of the hottest topics in those workshops.

I guess that's part of the ideation... I'd rather be dead than have ot face that there is no way humanly possible that I can prevent harm and suffering.

these might be the very words i have been looking for in my own struggle with this very psychotick. my psychotherapy has progressed far enough that i accept the logic that i don't get to save every puppy in the pound, but my foot still lifts from the gas pedal every time i pass a lost puppy.

 

[Paladin_141]

I know this is kind of an old thread, but it caught my eye.

I went through some stuff as a kid that I didn't feel able to share with my parents, so I ended up accepting that it was part of my life and nobody was coming to save me. It was always like that from then on; things just conatantly got worse in every way possible and I knew nobody was ever coming to save me.

I decided nobody would have to feel like that if I could help it, that, as much as it was in my power, there always  would be someone coming to save them.

25 years now, I've served as soldier, sailor, police officer, firefighter, coastguard officer, lifeboatman and now soldier again.

I don't know what to do after this, assuming there is an 'after this'. It's too big a part of me to let it go.

 

[Friday]

I don't know what to do after this, assuming there is an 'after this'. It's too big a part of me to let it go.

Avocation is a thing.