Core Beliefs & Counters

[HealingInProcess]

I Betrayed my family
By walking away from their crazy abusive behavior ( NC)
So I’m not a loyal person, not good enough to belong anywhere else-not loveable, and so different I never will belong anywhere.

Counter only because I have a similar thing: they were who they were before you got there (parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents) and you are not responsible for the rest (brother, sister, cousin) unless they are much younger and even then not so much.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Counter only because I have a similar thing: they were who they were before you got there (parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents) and you are not responsible for the rest (brother, sister, cousin) unless they are much younger and even then not so much.

@HealingInProcess Thanks- I needed a new perspective on this.

 

[PandaPower]

If I set boundaries with my family I will be punished (god, karma, the universe, whichever).
I can’t survive without my families support.

There are many, but these are the ones I’m struggling with right now. Don’t really have counters. I read articles on tinybudhha.com when these beliefs are activated and wait for it to pass.

 

[The Albatross]

Tiny Buddha is a really good site but you need to form your own counters.

 

[Ronin]

K, so not one belief, multi beliefs, interlinked.

I Betrayed my family

Only if you define living your life as a betrayal.
It is that only in abusive families. Literally, healthy ones do not define things that way.

So I’m not a loyal person

You are.
Both to healthy values
*and* healthy values you learned only in bad contexts, like family.

That takes a lot, to still see & cherish the value, while everything is f*cked from start to finish.

not good enough to belong anywhere else

Everywhere else is a too wide area to even start on.

not loveable

For leaving a few behind you...?

and so different I never will belong anywhere.

Back to, everywhere else is too wide,
& If you do not belong, you can make the space you need to belong.
Wait out who shows up for you, from there, if you got nowhere to go.

 

[Ronin]

If I set boundaries with my family I will be punished (god, karma, the universe, whichever).

Sounds that only applies when near them.

The same cruel God, karma, whichever, is not in effect elsewhere.
They are not karma.

They are just abusers you knew a very long time.
Likely loved for as long.

 

[TruthSeeker]

This is a good thread. I don't counter my core beliefs very well...guess that's cause I believe them. Many others resonate with me. Thanks, everyone.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Only if you define living your life as a betrayal.
It is that only in abusive families. Literally, healthy ones do not define things that way.You are.
Both to healthy values *and* healthy values you learned only in bad contexts, like family.
That takes a lot, to still see & cherish the value, while everything is f*cked from start to finish.
For leaving a few behind you...? Wait out who shows up for you, from there, if you got nowhere to go.

@Ronin Thanks for your reply. I have struggled with belonging, values, loyalty, honor, and want to be those things to unhealthy people-values and dysfunction are not congruent. But to live in this family, I had to betray my values to belong, pretend, lie to myself and do the best I could not to lie (ommision comes closest) and all the while I was just a puppet-getting my strings pulled. I'm too old to sit around and wait to see who shows up-I'm in the fourth quarter and making progress in the game. Hopefully, this one will be my win....Thanks-your feedback about values and still seeing and cherishing the value, when everything is screwed up-thanks-really needed to hear that today.

 

[PandaPower]

Known and loved for a very long time, and trying to break away. Thank you for the reinforcement :).

Sounds that only applies when near them.

The same cruel God, karma, whichever, is not in effect elsewhere.
They are not karma.

They are just abusers you knew a very long time.
Likely loved for as long.

@ The Albatross I hadn’t really considered it. Tis a good point. I will think about some potential counters.

Tiny Buddha is a really good site but you need to form your own counters.

I have a counter for this that works for me: I can show or admit weakness in safe situations. I can tell a situation or person is safe by watching how they react to other people’s weaknesses and mistakes.

Don't show or admit weakness. It will only do harm/be used against you.

 

[Jade-]

Enjoying sex,asking for what I want/enjoy sexually and having an orgasm is wrong.

I don't know how to counter this.I had amazing sex with my husband last night and have felt physically sick/ashamed/like I've done something very wrong since then.

ETA: Maybe I should have said any sexual activity is wrong and makes me a sick person if I want it or participate

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah, worth working through.

 

[Friday]

I don't know how to counter this.I had amazing sex with my husband last night and have felt physically sick/ashamed/like I've done something very wrong since then.

If it helps at all?

Part of how I dealt with being raped was by having a lot of sex. Because sex and rape couldn’t be more different. And it was those differences that I revelled in. Right down to my fingertips, right down to the ground. Replacing every bad memory with a thousand good memories.

I use the rape & bank robbery parallel fairly often, because they’re the same durn thing to me.

It doesn’t matter how tempting a target the bank is. It doesn’t matter how lax their security, how close it is to the freeway, the border, what part of town it’s in, or anything else about the bank. It doesn’t matter if the bank was robbed before, or robbed by the same gang before. It’s not the bank’s fault it was robbed. Nor do the robbers get to keep the money & found not guilty because, I mean c’mon, LOOK at that bank! It was begging to be robbed! :rolleyes: The people in the bank? It doesn’t matter how much they helped the bank robbers. It doesn’t matter whether they fought back, or were scared, or tried to make friends with the gunmen, or acquiesced quietly, or followed bank protocol and gave no resistance, or even got a bit of a thrill. It doesn’t matter if they punched the codes, turned the keys, carried the money out and loaded it into the van. It doesn’t matter if they were taken hostage. At. No. Point. Is. It. Ever. Their. Fault. No matter what they did, how much they helped, or how they felt about it. Because they weren’t the ones robbing the bank. The bank robbers were, and they were under their control. It doesn’t matter that a bank robber and bank patron both walk into a bank and get money and leave. They’re 2 totally different things.

Sex & Rape? Are 2 totally different things.

Sounds like at some point your brain decided they were the same thing. Walk into a bank, get money, walk out.

Wanting to rape someone, demanding what you want, enjoying raping someone, taking your pleasure at the expense of raping someone else... would be wrong.

Wanting to have sex, asking for what you want, enjoying sex, and taking your pleasure in sex? Not wrong.