Sufferer Coucilling Avoidence Killing Me

[hopeinthetrenches]

Hello been diagnosed with PTSD. Suffered sexual abuse when I was 6 for two years. My memorys of the incidents are very clear. So clear they got my abuser found guilty in court 18 years later. It was my word against his he denied everything he done to me.

Started using drugs and alcohol when I was 14 and was admitted to rehab when I was 26. Stayed clean for 5 years now its been very hard. Thought it was the substance abuse that made me so messed up. I really struggle to live and function on a daily basis but manage to do so because I'm very stubborn and I will not give in. Also I'm used to feeling numb, angry, ashamed, nervous, fearful,. Don't know much about recovery from ptsd but this website is a start. For me pain is a great motivator and I'm a gluten for punishment.

I wish you strength and peace on your journey. Thank you.

 

[arfie]

Hi Hope. Welcome to the forum.

For me, the first major obstacle on my road to recovery was trust. It was allot easier for me to catapult from one dysfunctional situation to another than to trust any of the recovery options, much less the humans offering a helping hand. Those leaps of trust remain difficult for me, but... I take it in small bites and long chews.

Hope your step of joining the forum makes for a healthy bite and a tasty chew. Healing happens. Hope it happens to you.

 

[hopeinthetrenches]

Hi Hope. Welcome to the forum.

For me, the first major obstacle on my road to recovery was trust. It was allot easier for me to catapult from one dysfunctional situation to another than to trust any of the recovery options, much less the humans offering a helping hand. Those leaps of trust remain difficult for me, but... I take it in small bites and long chews.

Hope your step of joining the forum makes for a healthy bite and a tasty chew. Healing happens. Hope it happens to you.

Thank you

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome

 

[hopeinthetrenches]

Thank you

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome and congrats on the five years!

When I was three years clean, everything came up that had been buried. It was so difficult because I didn't have the drugs anymore. Your staring straight into the darkness then - no buffers. I hope you have good therapy and coping skills or whatever you need to make it thru. I'm so glad you are here.

 

[hopeinthetrenches]

Welcome and congrats on the five years!

When I was three years clean, everything came up that had been buried. It was so difficult because I didn't have the drugs anymore. Your staring straight into the darkness then - no buffers. I hope you have good therapy and coping skills or whatever you need to make it thru. I'm so glad you are here.

Hello and thanks for the reply. Really identify with having no buffers to cope. Being a recovering addict with ptsd is hard work. Its a great feeling coming out the darkness another battle won. I don't no where I find the strength sometimes. I can be very ungrateful and forgetful. But also I have great assets to my personality which I try to stay aware of and act on. Life has to much to offer to give up now. Thanks for the welcome.

 

[Marf]

Welcome to the forum!

I have found this forum priceless because it is so hard to find people who understand and there are many of us here.

The title of your post tells me that you will be okay because you know the avoidance is killing you. As someone else said, the trust is extremely difficult in others and one's self.

Good luck in your journey of recovery. I hope you have found or will find a great therapist.

 

[Promicarus]

Welcome, Hope...

I understand your difficulty with therapy. I have the same problem, "prohibitively", you could say. But like you, I know I could benefit from it...that by most definitions, I need it desperately.

But at least you know you need it...that not having it is "killing you". Often, realizing something's killing you is a great sign...usually we have to get to that point before we do something about it. Speaking from experience, anyway. Like a tooth that needs to be pulled--when it gets painful enough, the thought of just tying it to a door by the strength, and slamming the door--yanking it out...doesn't seem nearly as painful as just leaving it alone. But it often has to get to that point of pain, before we'll consider doing so.

I've "been around", on similar forums...to some degree, at least...and enough to know that seemingly everyone has horror stories about therapy--not only about how difficult it is, and how challenging/frightening...but about really terrible/incompetent/abusive therapists.

But most of those who have mentioned these experiences, go on later to describe how they eventually overcame them, and really benefited from therapy, and how grateful they are, in the long run, that they didn't give up.

Wish I could say I was there, myself. About 9 out of 10 therapists I've tried essentially run me out of their office within the first 5 minutes. They want no part of it. Whatsoever. So it's a sore subject for me...not only that, in order to have a hope of finding someone to work with, seemingly, I'll have to have gotten to a place where I can deal with that kind of rejection and resentment in the course of trying to find someone.

But I'm a pretty unusual case, I'm told. Often.

On top of all that...My last trauma-therapist only saw me for two sessions before seducing me (female), while I was at my lowest point ever...moved me into her home...and I found out she was the most screwed up individual I've ever come in contact with (or even imagined possible).

So to say I have some issues with therapists would be an understatement. When asked "Why don't you find a therapist?" I've replied.."Because I'd rather be screwed up than be sent to prison for strangling one". Exaggeration for effect, but still. When your feelings are that strong, makes the process difficult.

But at least I know I need it. Hopefully, sooner rather than later, these feelings will die down, and I'll be ready to make another go of it.

Have you attempted therapy before? Are you reluctant because of past experiences? I'm just curious as to why the avoidance. Have you thought about what the avoidance is based upon? If you haven't, I'd suggest starting...trying to identify the reasons behind it.

Make a list. You can only confront problems once you understand them. And once you name them, systematically, they often seem much less significant than at first.

Again, welcome to the forum. It's helped me, immensely. Hope you'll return, and find the support and relief you need.

 

[Britt.f7]

Welcome and congratulations for remaining clean. Finding a good therapist can be time consuming but it can be done.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!