Could I Have Been Molested As A Child?

[Bedbug]

A teenager masturbating in a restroom? I would say that is far closer to "normal" than "abnormal" behaviour and is not necessarily indicative of a sexually abusive background.

 

[Powder]

Right. I also agree that it's black and white thinking to look at "evidence" and go into a polarized "was I/wasn't I" scenario. Really, all that matters is how you feel about life and yourself now.

Some people recall some kind of unwanted sexual behavior and have no worries from it in present time. Others have little memories and tons of issues with what they do remember. The fact is, it is common to find that almost everyone has faced unwanted sexual advances of some nature in their life.

I was once right there freaking out about if my dad did or didn't do even more than what I let myself think about and remember, so I know that can be a "tipping point" that leaves a person a bit obsessed with the fact that is not acceptable. It is an "unspeakable conversation" with oneself until it actually begins.

Once the conversation is begun, however, I realized that the fact he did abuse my sister and I was a fact. And rather then dwell on it alone, I had to find ways to live with that knowledge as well as heal from the abuse and its effects. As I go on with life, I find more and more of myself that has been colored by those experiences and feel that rather than focusing on my abuser or the past, the time is right to ask myself questions about how I want my life to feel NOW.

For instance, looking back to my school years and teen years, I dressed very "basic" (bland jeans & T-shirt/no style) and wanted to just blend into the woodwork. Even as I did so, my dad said I looked like a "slut" in front of my whole family. To this day, I know that I have body image confusion and issues. I never know if I'm dressed appropriately or not. But I've worked on that area of my life and given myself the grace of knowing that I didn't get off to a good start in this area, so it's okay if I'm where I am at. I am now more aware of why I am uncomfortable feeling like a man is looking at me, no matter why/where/how. Male gaze was part of my traumatization and ongoing emotional abuse.

Having the ability to talk back to a male gazer in a positive context with my husband has been healing. So you see how it was necessary to deal with the fact that the abuse occured and was traumatic to me before I could see more clearly the whole context and how it has been the backdrop for almost everything I think about. Now, I see that I have spent my life trying to color in my own backdrop, with some small successes. I take pride in those little things I have been able to control and change because it is a slow process of awareness, processing, and reframing my experience of myself to more accurately fit what I want my life to be.

Love is a word and an idea. Nothing is perfect or impregnable here. Love is often tainted because it is felt by imperfect beings not in full executive control of themselves. Love, no matter how real, doesn't guarantee anything else. Love doesn't come with certificates or warranties. It is fraught with pain, loss, and disappointment. If a person has any unresolved darkness in them, their love is fraught with risk as they project their "unfinished business" on everyone vulnerable to them. Children are by definition vulnerable, but anyone can be vulnerable to this. I know you are aware of this or you wouldn't avoid intimacy and boyfriends. Even though you don't know for sure what specifically happened, you know love has been a thorny bed of roses.

I still believe love is worth having, working on, and living for. Just not with those who have sullied it for me in the past. A fresh start can be made. Hope is worth living with. Not everyone who has been hurt or disappointed will continue to find abusers. If one is awake and aware, that mistake won't be repeated.

But until I healed enough to "trust love" again, even with good, trustworthy lover (my husband) I was afraid of it. It takes time and lots of positive experience to remove the sting left behind. This was all going on without my full awareness. I still don't have all the memories, and don't need/want them to know what I need to know. Self acceptance and understanding is a life-long process, with our without specific experiences, such as molestation or rape, to contend with.

So, I think you are doing well to go to counseling and to wait until you feel brave enough to broach these topics with your therapist (and yourself) and us here. Well done! I think it shows a trust of yourself that will come in handy.

Muse

 

[Barconian]

When I was 16, I was sexually abused by a dirty, disgusting old man (no relation, same sex). Fortunately for me I managed to get out of it unscathed emotionally other than still to this day, 34 years later, I have this feeling of disgust in myself for allowing it to happen when I think about it.

@Karen Tedder I too would masturbate just for the sake of masturbating, just to have that feel good and also have had the sexually sadistic thoughts go through my mind (I thought I was demented at the time). I found the sadistic thoughts happened when I was feeling worthless and negative about myself and my surroundings. As I started to feel better in my own self esteem, those bad thoughts disappeared and I lost the need to masturbate for the sake of masturbating!

The hardest thing for me, was not knowing if other people act and think like this and thank you for sharing yourself.

Be strong Karen... Talk to your psychologist!

And @Muse You wrote very interesting stuff :)

 

[Karen Tedder]

I'm starting to think that I might be imagining the whole thing... That my head made up all those doubts, but anyway. My life is pretty okay right now, so I don't see why I should dwell on those doubts. If it's meant to be, then I'll eventually remember. If not, then that's okay too, right?

Muse, you wrote a compelling text, and I'm happy that you were able to trust love again and found your husband.

Barconian, thank you for your kind words. I'll probably talk to my psychologist.

Also, I don't know if someone has thoughts about why incest arouses me? I know rape fantasies are pretty common, but I wouldn't call incest a fantasy really... I mean, there's no way I could ever think of any member of my family like that, but I still think it's sick and disgusting that the thought of siblings having sexual intercourse turns me on.

 

[Barconian]

You obviously know right from wrong Karen and maybe your thoughts are off beat, albeit they are your thoughts and the more you challenge them, the sooner you will have more pleasant ones.

 

[Powder]

Karen,

I agree with you that if you have thoughts and feelings that you have mixed feelings about, then it's worth mentioning to the therapist and going through the discovery process, however that will go. This is because you are bringing this stuff up to work on it. If you do, you will gain self-respect and trust. If you don't then it sits and feelings of failure and shame dominate.

Obviously, I don't want that for myself or anyone here. I think we bring stuff up to work on it at the level we can. Maybe we can't figure it all out entirely, but we can process some and feel confident from that.

See it's not about remembering it all or knowing everything about ourselves. Not possible, not for anyone. That is not a "doable" aspiration. There is an entire iceburg of self submerged in the unconscious. But if we do process and make conscious what we are ready to process, we are at least not warming the bench of our lives. I have been a bench-warmer in many ways, and realized in my 30s that is not really living.

Yay for living, yay for life, and the endless possibilities and adventure of self-discovery. There is nothing in you that you cannot love or cannot assimilate. Don't fear that you might not like yourself. It doesn't work like that. Getting to know yourself is the same thing as learning to love yourself.

See, nobody ran away when you said that incest gives you mixed feelings. Everyone has mixed feelings and urges; those who care and love people won't run away from us. They will affirm, just like we affirm our own self.

Again, I think you are wise and I honor deeply your mind's willingness to do this work starting so young. I wish I had. To go with that, high standards about who you allow in your life, and go slow. Honoring your own pace; you have a lifetime to get to know you.
XOXO Muse

 

[Loner]

I would suggest instead of focusing on what you perceive as being abnormal sexual thoughts or behavior (which could be more normal than you think) to instead focus on the things you mentioned that are disrupting your life, social anxiety, startle response, low self esteem, etc.

I say this because while the question of whether or not you were molested seems very important (and indeed it is) I think it is actually secondary to being able to live your life without these things bothering you. If you focus on these things, you will eventually get to their causes anyways, but in the meantime, you can make progress towards letting yourself live a happier less stressful life.

I find your candor and bravery impressive.

 

[Powder]

I agree Karen is strong and brave in her ability to be reflective, and I think these are important skills for anyone to possess. Additionally, I theorize that the ability to reflect should be taught more in school all the way through in order to create a better world. For reflection to be truly helpful, other reality checking and critical thinking skills need to be acquired, but all these can develop at various times in one's development.

In fact, the ability to think reflectively can start with little kids at home by asking open questions and getting away from "correct" answers into open-ended thinking and using the imagination. Conjecture should be encouraged. I believe it taps into what we label "intuition, " which is really just ways of knowing that are difficult to communicate about, like "thin-slicing." No terms seems to describe this way of knowing well.

It seems that someone must have been there for you, Karen, I think, to listen and be a sounding board. I think you have developed some good skills and abilities that can serve you well whatever you pursue.

XOXO Muse