Hi.
I'm not sure if I should be on here but stumbled here after a day of googling trying to make sense of what has always gone on in my life.
I'am starting to wonder if my troubled childhood and adult problems could be related to PTSD and a kind of secondary PTSD which I have been reading about occurring in children of fathers with PTSD.
Very briefly my dad grew up in WWII in an area of heavy bombing and daily trauma, death destruction and extreme poverty. His father served in WW1 and was injured and many family members killed. My dad then served in the Malayan Emergency and never spoke about his service, [other than to once tell me a horrific story about a woman cut in half by machine gun fire.
My childhood was spent with a dad with hair trigger anger, isolation, inability to deal with social situations and other symptoms that I'm now starting to realise could be PTSD related. My dad was hypervigilant and controlling in the extreme. It feels like generations of my family were under this dark black cloud of war and anxiety, even years after it was all over.
I grew up petrified of war, fighting and with a view coloured by my dads anxious and frightened view of the world. Nothing was safe, everything and everyone was a threat.
I myself lived in London during the height of IRA bombings where random bomb attacks happened with no warning. I once missed a bomb by 1 minute, the people standing at the bus stop I had walked past a minute previously losing legs and limbs in the blast. It got to the point where my nerves were shot and every journey on the tube was a test of mental strength. I had to leave London as I just couldn't cope with living there any more. It felt like death was around every corner.
In my life I have struggled with alcohol and keeping a normal and positive view of the world. After having my kids[8 & 6 now] I was pitched into being hypervigilant and far too over protective. I have learnt to chill a little [hypnotherapy helped] but have a fear of but obsessive need to watch the news all the time, constantly checking it on my phone all day so I know what's happening.
The current crisis in N Korea has pitched me into a state where I am finding it hard to function in my everyday life, which I am trying to cover up from my husband and work. My instinct is to get some tinned food and supplies and run and find somewhere like a cave to hide to keep my kids safe. I work out plans and escape routes. I know this isn't normal, hence why I have spent today trying to figure out exactly why I react in this way and what I can do to deal with it. My work and homelife is suffering. I have a new job and HAVE to get on top of this as I can't afford to lose it
I have been like this before in the past, even to the point of having a survival kit prepared with food, sleeping equipment etc in my car.
Obviously my husband thinks I'm nuts so I don't really tell him I feel like this at the moment as he gets angry and frightened when I behave like this. It really freaks him out so I'm trying to look normal.
I am starting to unpick this a little and have been reading about PTSD and the effect it can have on kids of people who have it. I'm pretty sure my dad did have many elements of this. When I compare his behavior with my husband about his parents I realise the way I grew up wasn't normal. For example I remember him leaping out of the car which he abandoned in the middle of the road, screaming and chasing down a little kid who had innocently pointed a stick [in imitation of a gun] at us as we drove past. He went mental at this poor kid and my mum having to shove him back in the car.
Anyway. I'm sorry for rambling and I guess I'm just trying to make sense of this in my own head rather than getting an answer of any kind but it feels like something is starting to make some kind of sense about everything.
Does any of this make sense or am I just mad as people think ;-) lol.
Thanks
I'm not sure if I should be on here but stumbled here after a day of googling trying to make sense of what has always gone on in my life.
I'am starting to wonder if my troubled childhood and adult problems could be related to PTSD and a kind of secondary PTSD which I have been reading about occurring in children of fathers with PTSD.
Very briefly my dad grew up in WWII in an area of heavy bombing and daily trauma, death destruction and extreme poverty. His father served in WW1 and was injured and many family members killed. My dad then served in the Malayan Emergency and never spoke about his service, [other than to once tell me a horrific story about a woman cut in half by machine gun fire.
My childhood was spent with a dad with hair trigger anger, isolation, inability to deal with social situations and other symptoms that I'm now starting to realise could be PTSD related. My dad was hypervigilant and controlling in the extreme. It feels like generations of my family were under this dark black cloud of war and anxiety, even years after it was all over.
I grew up petrified of war, fighting and with a view coloured by my dads anxious and frightened view of the world. Nothing was safe, everything and everyone was a threat.
I myself lived in London during the height of IRA bombings where random bomb attacks happened with no warning. I once missed a bomb by 1 minute, the people standing at the bus stop I had walked past a minute previously losing legs and limbs in the blast. It got to the point where my nerves were shot and every journey on the tube was a test of mental strength. I had to leave London as I just couldn't cope with living there any more. It felt like death was around every corner.
In my life I have struggled with alcohol and keeping a normal and positive view of the world. After having my kids[8 & 6 now] I was pitched into being hypervigilant and far too over protective. I have learnt to chill a little [hypnotherapy helped] but have a fear of but obsessive need to watch the news all the time, constantly checking it on my phone all day so I know what's happening.
The current crisis in N Korea has pitched me into a state where I am finding it hard to function in my everyday life, which I am trying to cover up from my husband and work. My instinct is to get some tinned food and supplies and run and find somewhere like a cave to hide to keep my kids safe. I work out plans and escape routes. I know this isn't normal, hence why I have spent today trying to figure out exactly why I react in this way and what I can do to deal with it. My work and homelife is suffering. I have a new job and HAVE to get on top of this as I can't afford to lose it
I have been like this before in the past, even to the point of having a survival kit prepared with food, sleeping equipment etc in my car.
Obviously my husband thinks I'm nuts so I don't really tell him I feel like this at the moment as he gets angry and frightened when I behave like this. It really freaks him out so I'm trying to look normal.
I am starting to unpick this a little and have been reading about PTSD and the effect it can have on kids of people who have it. I'm pretty sure my dad did have many elements of this. When I compare his behavior with my husband about his parents I realise the way I grew up wasn't normal. For example I remember him leaping out of the car which he abandoned in the middle of the road, screaming and chasing down a little kid who had innocently pointed a stick [in imitation of a gun] at us as we drove past. He went mental at this poor kid and my mum having to shove him back in the car.
Anyway. I'm sorry for rambling and I guess I'm just trying to make sense of this in my own head rather than getting an answer of any kind but it feels like something is starting to make some kind of sense about everything.
Does any of this make sense or am I just mad as people think ;-) lol.
Thanks
