Relationship CPTSD Partner has Deep Seated Paranoia

[Shupkin]

Hello. New to this forum but read some posts which made me feel like I was in the right spot to share my experience. My partner and I have been together for about 9 years, known each other for 11. He is a veteran, and our relationship has always had a few issues, mostly stemming around drinking causing some angry outbursts and late night paranoia. The last year, his mental health has declined significantly, leading him to conclusions about friends, family, and myself that are very wrong and damaging. He believes that there is a conspiracy going on, that everyone is talking about him and knows all of our business, and that I am cheating on him with his friends. We did have to stage and intervention which opened up our relationship to family and friends, and for a while it worked. He stopped drinking, went to Dr's apts... But in the last week, he relapsed and told me I was the cause of his drinking, and the reason his life is falling apart and he's damaged beyond repair that our life became so public. I don't believe I am the cause, although in the moment its incredibly hard to hear from your long term partner that he no longer trusts anything you say and you've ruined his life. When he "wakes up" out of his stupor, he is meek but not apologetic. Wondering if anyone has been through a similar paranoia story, and how to manage your mental health, while trying to help them get better without enabling. Thank you.

 

[arfie]

hello shrupkin. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Wondering if anyone has been through a similar paranoia story, and how to manage your mental health, while trying to help them get better without enabling. Thank you.

does a parent/child relationship count? the symptoms you are describing closely fit my adult (45) son's symptoms. it's a cultural norm to blame mama for all your blues and i self-deported to the toxic people landfill pretty early on, but his accusations of conspiracy have long since projected onto associates, friends and lovers.

maintaining my proper social distance might be harder on my own ptsd than proactively trying to help. at least the proactive attempts (enabling?) gave me something to do. sitting inactively with my son's pain is killing me.

alanon is my lifeline.

but that is me and every case is unique. steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

 

[Friday]

Paranoia. Is. A. Motherf*cker.

In my own life? I’ve had to drive a reeeeeeally hard line between
- Annoyed, by what is really going on.
- Paranoid, afraid of what MIGHT be going on.

I use 2 things to differentiate.

1. “The Seatbelt Rule” = I am ABSOLUTELY allowed to both wear seatbelts AND respond to passing thoughts IF AND ONLY IF I am as emotionally involved as when I put on a seatbelt. IE, I’m not. At all. Ever. It’s a baseline safety precaution. So if I get a weird feeling and want to do a quick perimeter check? Sure! No worries! As. Long. As. I. Take. A. Step. Back. No emotions. No tweaker constantly checking blinds, or running out into the night after ghosts, and stray fancies. Sweep. Secure. Alls well. Not spinning myself up. As there is a difference between listening to your instincts and being a slave to them.

2. If it’s real? I wouldn’t be afraid/angry/suspicious/emotional. I’d deal with it. Shrug. Full stop. So??? If I am afraid/angry/emotionally involved? It’s not real. It’s WHAT IF, that I’ve gone and made “real” in my head. Which is bullshit, and feeeeelings creating a lack of situational awareness. Which can f*ck right off.

That SECOND one…. Is what most vets relate to. Oh. Duh. OF COURSE. If it were real? I’d be fine. The first one, most supporters blink-blink-oh, about. (Because you don’t lose your everlovin mind putting on a seatbelt, even though its ONLY purpose is preventing injury, maiming, and death. They don’t even stop kids having screaming, hitting each other, knock it off or I am turning this car around! fights. Seat belts only purpose? To prevent bloody, screaming, terrible death. Click. Unclick. Click. Unclick. A dozen times a day. It’s a freaking seatbelt, not the end of the world. I’m a parent, and a combat vet with PTSD, so I use both to direct my internal compass.


^^^ So that’s ME ^^^

Dealing with OTHER PEOPLE’S paranoia? I’m f*cking bad at. Because it is HEARTBREAKING, gutting, shredding, worse than finding out someone is cheating level pain… to not be seen/known for MYSELF. To be someone else’s fear-muppet (shaped like me, but animated by someone else’s nightmares, rather than my own self; seen, loved, irritated by, whatever. But ME. I’m NOT me, when “I” am what someone’s fears tell them I might be. I’m just not. That’s them). I have left every. single. person. in. my. life. who has done this to me EXCEPT my kid. Both because he’s MY kid, and because I understand what’s happening, and know it will pass. I hold adults to waaaaaaay higher standards, than kids. An adult doesn’t see ME, but sees their own fears? They can f*ck right off. Until they’ve learned the same durn lessons I’ve learned AND choose to apply them. Kids? Free pass. Because I’m the grownup, it’s my job to absorb those blows. And still be there.

So the good news/bad news is that I’ve been through it, and figured out a way around it… but have very little useful info to share for living with someone else’s. As the only person’s I’ve been willing to ride though? Is my kid’s.

 

[Shupkin]

Paranoia. Is. A. Motherf*cker.

In my own life? I’ve had to drive a reeeeeeally hard line between
- Annoyed, by what is really going on.
- Paranoid, afraid of what MIGHT be going on.

I use 2 things to differentiate.

1. “The Seatbelt Rule” = I am ABSOLUTELY allowed to both wear seatbelts AND respond to passing thoughts IF AND ONLY IF I am as emotionally involved as when I put on a seatbelt. IE, I’m not. At all. Ever. It’s a baseline safety precaution. So if I get a weird feeling and want to do a quick perimeter check? Sure! No worries! As. Long. As. I. Take. A. Step. Back. No emotions. No tweaker constantly checking blinds, or running out into the night after ghosts, and stray fancies. Sweep. Secure. Alls well. Not spinning myself up. As there is a difference between listening to your instincts and being a slave to them.

2. If it’s real? I wouldn’t be afraid/angry/suspicious/emotional. I’d deal with it. Shrug. Full stop. So??? If I am afraid/angry/emotionally involved? It’s not real. It’s WHAT IF, that I’ve gone and made “real” in my head. Which is bullshit, and feeeeelings creating a lack of situational awareness. Which can f*ck right off.

That SECOND one…. Is what most vets relate to. Oh. Duh. OF COURSE. If it were real? I’d be fine. The first one, most supporters blink-blink-oh, about. (Because you don’t lose your everlovin mind putting on a seatbelt, even though its ONLY purpose is preventing injury, maiming, and death. They don’t even stop kids having screaming, hitting each other, knock it off or I am turning this car around! fights. Seat belts only purpose? To prevent bloody, screaming, terrible death. Click. Unclick. Click. Unclick. A dozen times a day. It’s a freaking seatbelt, not the end of the world. I’m a parent, and a combat vet with PTSD, so I use both to direct my internal compass.


^^^ So that’s ME ^^^

Dealing with OTHER PEOPLE’S paranoia? I’m f*cking bad at. Because it is HEARTBREAKING, gutting, shredding, worse than finding out someone is cheating level pain… to not be seen/known for MYSELF. To be someone else’s fear-muppet (shaped like me, but animated by someone else’s nightmares, rather than my own self; seen, loved, irritated by, whatever. But ME. I’m NOT me, when “I” am what someone’s fears tell them I might be. I’m just not. That’s them). I have left every. single. person. in. my. life. who has done this to me EXCEPT my kid. Both because he’s MY kid, and because I understand what’s happening, and know it will pass. I hold adults to waaaaaaay higher standards, than kids. An adult doesn’t see ME, but sees their own fears? They can f*ck right off. Until they’ve learned the same durn lessons I’ve learned AND choose to apply them. Kids? Free pass. Because I’m the grownup, it’s my job to absorb those blows. And still be there.

So the good news/bad news is that I’ve been through it, and figured out a way around it… but have very little useful info to share for living with someone else’s. As the only person’s I’ve been willing to ride though? Is my kid’s.

Thanks for the reply. You hit the nail on the head when saying that it's like being animated by someone else's nightmares. I am portrayed as a hideous cheat by my partner, and in the moment I am stunned and unfortunately have reacted very badly sometimes to the accusations because they are so outlandish and hurtful. The best way I can see navigating this is to create very strict boundaries, and hope he continues to navigate his emotions without escalating them to blind paranoia.

 

[Helpfulmom]

Honestly, in my experience- and only my experience and observations, those in my life who have been convinced of wrong doing by those who are safe, and their behaviors/patterns speak to their safety..

If its purely PTSD related, it tends to mean they are projecting emotions that came from *someone and something else*, highly traumatic while their mind is hijacked by stress and trauma and they seem stuck in a reactive state saying what some part of them wished it would've said to someone and something else highly traumatic.

In other words they are projecting, but not intentionally, due to an ambigula(sp) hijack. Where they are stuck in what Scientists call "animal brain".

OR and this is a big *OR*..

They have additional chemical imbalances/ and unrecognized secondary diagnosis, which can lend itself to persicatory dellusions(a belief that can not be backed by reality) but is deeply believed, that people intend to harm them.

Usually due to a chemical imbalance such as: Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective and the two conditions(CPTSD) and the secondary one, seem to "work against eachother".

So an example of that is, stress can be a trigger for things like Schizoaffective, and someone with CPTSD, is chronically stressed due to their brain wiring- so the CPTSD(the "over active stress responses), can trigger the secondary chemical imbalance.

Causing a symptom of the second condition(persicarory dillusions); a persistent but not backed belief that people mean to mistreat you- and unfortunately for the kinds of chemical imbalances where this happens the two conditions can "set off and worsten", one another- one can worsen the CPTSD symptoms or visa versa.

Both conditions would need to be managed as well as possible- with someone who is very good at understanding the complexity of diagnosing and treating someone with more then one complicated mental health condition.

Even if he agreed, you got him psyche evaluated for the potential of more then one condition or just focusing on the "new one", it may mean frequent apnts, and understanding that treatment is not 100% for things like Schizoaffective(for example); you are essentially treating a condition that has elements of psychosis(dillusions are a part of the symptoms). Some people experience "all or many symptoms ", some only experience a couple symptoms but persistently.

Treatment is not 100% because our brains go through fluctuations, hormone fluctuations can effect things and "new life stressors ", can effect things, new things to process can too- its hard.

So since treatment of psychosis symotoms isn't 100% its more like, over time, "did we see improvement compared to their **worst points**, and new stressors or fluctuations in hormones/brain chemicals can mean, needing to re-evaluate more than one may realize but it's better to know what you're dealing with 100% and double check.


Sounds like this may be a point where he may need to be re-evaluated, for a secondary condition, which has persicatory dillusions.

I am not saying, he doesn't have CPTSD, I am saying, seeing a professional like a neuropsychologist, for a psyche evalve to adress and possibly rule out if this is or isn't a secondary issue, making this happen, could be wise.