I've been a big people pleaser. One of the reasons is that I've been so afraid of conflict and because my earlier programming back at the "family of origin" was about "if I can keep them safe, then I will be safe too". The damage done was that it caused me to be very "otherly-directed" at the expense of allowing myself the right to care for and respect my own needs.
Some helpful books I've read, include John Bradshaw's On the Family; The Child Within, by Charles Whitfield-- it helped me relate to and understand how I did develop people pleasing. In an extremely "parent-centred" home, because of the crisis of chronic alcoholism, and the persistent threats to safety, mental, physical, emotional safety-- too much on edge, it made me overly focussed on others. The other factor being, as a child in that chaos, as a "forgotten" or "lost child" there was no energy coming back from the parents to attend to me when I was in distress-- no mirror acknowledging my feelings, anxieties, my safety needs, etc. As a result, well I think it's connected to my anxiety, the feeling of falling off a cliff, with no catchment area for my self. So it's caused a major split in me. I've been reading "parenting books" for my self, to learn from and try to practice parenting, compassionate responding to my self when I feel in crisis. I also try to read novels and stuff, with healthy protagonists, sort of 'role models', of simply grounded, reasonable people! I need this for my imagination.
Another thing that has been helping is the yoga I take, this wonderful woman with a very gentle, soothing, calming voice-- which helps to replace the 'introjects' of panicked, attacking parents! Honestly, yoga class has been a wonderful retreat and I've taken it long enough, and I've healed long enough to not have such intense "parental introjects" that were destructive and creating more anxiety and panic, mirroring their anxiety and panic. I've had to re-assert now, where I do end, and they begin; what is there's and what is mine. In chaotic households, these basic boundaries are constantly violated. I like imagining my self with a child, and what I feel they deserve in empathy, compassion, validation, comfort and soothing.
So yeah, I actively attempt to change the tables, reverse my luck! And it's not going so bad now.
I've also studied up more on assertive communication. A good book for me was Peurifoy's, Anxiety and Panic , the section on "Assertive Rights and Responsibilities"-- quite a discovery to acknowledge that I too have rights and needs-- that always seemed to be left out of my "equation" when relating to the world. It's an amazing discovery, and it's been very empowering. The empowerment of learning the practice of "I" language has freed me up from feeling overly guilty. I continue with building up on these resources, as guidelines to help me proceed in life.
There's some great tools to learn and access, which empower. I think I grew up with the feeling of "right to exist" being really confused.
