HorribleCoffee
Bronze Member
I have been lurking around this forum for a week. I've been seeing a guy with CPTSD for about 8 months. Today, our situationship came to an abrupt close after a few weeks of him going low contact without much warning. He blames me on the breakdown, but I am utterly confused by his accusations, and he does not want to elaborate. A little bit of background, it's a long story and I apologize in advance:
On the first date, he told me that he's had quite a bit of trauma but is now in a much better place after years of therapy. I empathized with him, but didn't dig any deeper that day about his trauma. A few months later, we had our first fight, which was over text. I was uncomfortable about a joke he told, and my fault here was that I was pretty harsh on him when I told him so. He automatically went defensive, and said I did not make him feel like he could be himself and that he had to walk on eggshells around me. I apologized for that, and we continued seeing each other.
Another day a few weeks later, he made a joke about eating disorders (also over text), and I told him (calmly) that I used to have an eating disorder and felt uncomfortable about that. He immediately asked me "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" and I said "It never really came up in conversation." and he apologised for it, although he did say that he didn't feel safe and couldn't make jokes anymore if I keep getting offended. He claims his dark humour is how he deals with things and that's part of being him. He also said I needed to be upfront about things that might be important for potential partners to know.
Then one day, I was planning to go over for dinner and he texted me asking me what I wanted to eat. I didn't know whether he meant he was cooking or we were eating out or we were doing takeout, so I asked innocently "What are my options?" Out of nowhere, he blew up at me, saying "I don't like that you frequently evade my questions. I asked you what you wanted to eat, not what I wanted to eat, I'm really busy at work but I'm still trying to plan this and I feel you don't appreciate my effort." I apologised, saying that there were way too many options if it were an open-ended question, and kinda stupidly said I don't really think that much about food because it's a bit of a coping mechanism from my eating disorder (when you have an ED, ALL you think about is food - I'm not trying to justify my stupid answer and I know I need a little bit more help with ED recovery even though it's been years since I've been actively restricting my food intake). Then he told me "Your ED is not my problem to solve. It's on you. Don't make it a me problem. I deal with enough already." He broke up with me over text then.
I was inconsolable but we were still occasionally talking over text after that. I managed to ask for a face-to-face talk. I told him that all our misunderstandings and arguments have been over text and I think it's better to talk it out in person. He at least agreed with that. When we met up, there were a lot of disagreements about how each of us viewed our misunderstandings - it was as though we had two separate realities, but at the end there were a lot of tears (on my end) and we made up. A big part of this conversation was when he revealed his CPTSD diagnosis, and how he suffered for years with panic attacks. I've heard about CPTSD but didn't know anyone who was actually diagnosed with it. He did tell me that while it was something that he would warn potential dates about in the past, everything was under control now and that I didn't have to worry about it. So I didn't really think too much about it. I'm sure that was my error.
We continued seeing each other, and we didn't have any misunderstandings or arguments for a few months after. At this point, we were both seeing each other exclusively but still not in a relationship-relationship. I told him I was ready for a relationship, given we'd been seeing each other regularly. Here, he said he was uncomfortable with that because he wanted to get to know me even more before fully committing to a future together. It was a blow to me, but I wanted to respect his wishes and I stepped back from the relationship label and took it slow.
Then I went on vacation for a few weeks (it was something I started planning for even before I started dating him), but I still tried to at least chat with him over text once or a few times a day. One day we were having a normal chat throughout the day, and he sent me a message that he missed me. I didn't see this particular message until I woke up, and I was on an overnight bus that was driving through areas with no cell reception. It was very rare for him to send me romantic messages (he's more an action person than words person, and he's even told me before that he rather say sarcastic things but do nice stuff) so it felt great reading it. I couldn't reply until the next morning when I got to a town with cell reception, about 10 hours later. And this is where I think I made a mistake here. I didn't reply to the message with "I miss you too". I replied excitedly "I'll see you in 9 days!"
Thereafter, it was as though a switch flipped in him. He would read my messages but take hours, or even a day to reply, and it would be curt replies. Sometimes, he would not even answer a question like "How was your day?". I was very confused, because it was such a drastic shift from saying "I miss you" to literally not replying. I didn't want to bring it up over text (because that's how so many of our misunderstandings started), so I continued sending him messages and checking in with him on my vacation as much as I could depending on how frequently he replied me. I knew I was coming home in a week or so and I wanted to tackle it f2f.
So I finally got home. He didn't even reply to my message that I was going on my long-haul flight home until after I landed, even though he read it almost immediately. I asked him the evening I got back whether I could see him the next day, and he didn't reply my text until the next morning. Then, he said he'd been doing some thinking while I was away and said he was getting more uncomfortable with our situation. I felt terrible but didn't want to aggravate it over text, and told him we could talk about it, and we met up that evening. By that evening, I was a crying mess and I couldn't understand why he felt that way and I couldn't articulate anything. I asked him why he had a sudden shift in his attitude towards me, and he just asked "You really don't know?" and I said No, I don't. And he didn't explain why. He just held me while I was crying and looked sadly at me. I left his place with no more answers, but by that time he had cheered up a lot more and acted more "normal" towards me. I was still confused but I didn't pursue the matter. He even gave me a hug goodbye like usual.
The next day, we chatted for a bit like normal. Then I asked him "How was your day?" Radio silence. The next day I texted him again. He was going on vacation himself the day after so I wished him a good trip. He didn't reply until minutes before he boarded the plane. I texted back "Hope to see you when you get back!" and he gave me a thumbs up emoji. But the last week or so while he was on vacation, he replied to none of my messages. He would just leave me on read, despite me knowing he was online for ages possibly chatting to other people. I didn't understand.
I stopped messaging for a bit thinking he needed space, but I texted him again last night saying I was thinking of him. Today, he finally replied accusing me of only wanting a FWB and not a relationship with him, and even though a FWB situation might be fine with him, I didn't treat him with the respect and communication that even warranted a FWB.
I was so confused. It was so out of the blue. I have literally told him before I wanted a relationship and HE was the one who said "Not yet". How did he turn it around blaming me for not pursuing a relationship with him? And how was I disrespectful? I asked him, but he's not replied.
I was reading this forum and other resources to find out why he's treated me like this. I know CPTSD people might push people that they are close to them, but is it normal that he blames me for things I have not done (as far as I know - he refuses to elaborate). I am very hurt by the accusation that all I wanted was a FWB, something that I feel he made up in his head when the reality is so different and I have been explicit in telling him I want him to be my partner. I know I shouldn't take things personally, but it still f*cking sucks. I'm not a therapist and I know I need more work myself (I see one regularly), but I do feel his CPTSD is not under control as much as he thinks it is. But also, part of me wonders whether I am trying to defend him thinking it is his CPTSD talking when it might just be him treating me badly. I am so confused and I've been crying nonstop since his last message.
I don't know if I make much sense. I don't know if I described the circumstances well. It's been a whirlwind of grief, anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, and everything else.
On the first date, he told me that he's had quite a bit of trauma but is now in a much better place after years of therapy. I empathized with him, but didn't dig any deeper that day about his trauma. A few months later, we had our first fight, which was over text. I was uncomfortable about a joke he told, and my fault here was that I was pretty harsh on him when I told him so. He automatically went defensive, and said I did not make him feel like he could be himself and that he had to walk on eggshells around me. I apologized for that, and we continued seeing each other.
Another day a few weeks later, he made a joke about eating disorders (also over text), and I told him (calmly) that I used to have an eating disorder and felt uncomfortable about that. He immediately asked me "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" and I said "It never really came up in conversation." and he apologised for it, although he did say that he didn't feel safe and couldn't make jokes anymore if I keep getting offended. He claims his dark humour is how he deals with things and that's part of being him. He also said I needed to be upfront about things that might be important for potential partners to know.
Then one day, I was planning to go over for dinner and he texted me asking me what I wanted to eat. I didn't know whether he meant he was cooking or we were eating out or we were doing takeout, so I asked innocently "What are my options?" Out of nowhere, he blew up at me, saying "I don't like that you frequently evade my questions. I asked you what you wanted to eat, not what I wanted to eat, I'm really busy at work but I'm still trying to plan this and I feel you don't appreciate my effort." I apologised, saying that there were way too many options if it were an open-ended question, and kinda stupidly said I don't really think that much about food because it's a bit of a coping mechanism from my eating disorder (when you have an ED, ALL you think about is food - I'm not trying to justify my stupid answer and I know I need a little bit more help with ED recovery even though it's been years since I've been actively restricting my food intake). Then he told me "Your ED is not my problem to solve. It's on you. Don't make it a me problem. I deal with enough already." He broke up with me over text then.
I was inconsolable but we were still occasionally talking over text after that. I managed to ask for a face-to-face talk. I told him that all our misunderstandings and arguments have been over text and I think it's better to talk it out in person. He at least agreed with that. When we met up, there were a lot of disagreements about how each of us viewed our misunderstandings - it was as though we had two separate realities, but at the end there were a lot of tears (on my end) and we made up. A big part of this conversation was when he revealed his CPTSD diagnosis, and how he suffered for years with panic attacks. I've heard about CPTSD but didn't know anyone who was actually diagnosed with it. He did tell me that while it was something that he would warn potential dates about in the past, everything was under control now and that I didn't have to worry about it. So I didn't really think too much about it. I'm sure that was my error.
We continued seeing each other, and we didn't have any misunderstandings or arguments for a few months after. At this point, we were both seeing each other exclusively but still not in a relationship-relationship. I told him I was ready for a relationship, given we'd been seeing each other regularly. Here, he said he was uncomfortable with that because he wanted to get to know me even more before fully committing to a future together. It was a blow to me, but I wanted to respect his wishes and I stepped back from the relationship label and took it slow.
Then I went on vacation for a few weeks (it was something I started planning for even before I started dating him), but I still tried to at least chat with him over text once or a few times a day. One day we were having a normal chat throughout the day, and he sent me a message that he missed me. I didn't see this particular message until I woke up, and I was on an overnight bus that was driving through areas with no cell reception. It was very rare for him to send me romantic messages (he's more an action person than words person, and he's even told me before that he rather say sarcastic things but do nice stuff) so it felt great reading it. I couldn't reply until the next morning when I got to a town with cell reception, about 10 hours later. And this is where I think I made a mistake here. I didn't reply to the message with "I miss you too". I replied excitedly "I'll see you in 9 days!"
Thereafter, it was as though a switch flipped in him. He would read my messages but take hours, or even a day to reply, and it would be curt replies. Sometimes, he would not even answer a question like "How was your day?". I was very confused, because it was such a drastic shift from saying "I miss you" to literally not replying. I didn't want to bring it up over text (because that's how so many of our misunderstandings started), so I continued sending him messages and checking in with him on my vacation as much as I could depending on how frequently he replied me. I knew I was coming home in a week or so and I wanted to tackle it f2f.
So I finally got home. He didn't even reply to my message that I was going on my long-haul flight home until after I landed, even though he read it almost immediately. I asked him the evening I got back whether I could see him the next day, and he didn't reply my text until the next morning. Then, he said he'd been doing some thinking while I was away and said he was getting more uncomfortable with our situation. I felt terrible but didn't want to aggravate it over text, and told him we could talk about it, and we met up that evening. By that evening, I was a crying mess and I couldn't understand why he felt that way and I couldn't articulate anything. I asked him why he had a sudden shift in his attitude towards me, and he just asked "You really don't know?" and I said No, I don't. And he didn't explain why. He just held me while I was crying and looked sadly at me. I left his place with no more answers, but by that time he had cheered up a lot more and acted more "normal" towards me. I was still confused but I didn't pursue the matter. He even gave me a hug goodbye like usual.
The next day, we chatted for a bit like normal. Then I asked him "How was your day?" Radio silence. The next day I texted him again. He was going on vacation himself the day after so I wished him a good trip. He didn't reply until minutes before he boarded the plane. I texted back "Hope to see you when you get back!" and he gave me a thumbs up emoji. But the last week or so while he was on vacation, he replied to none of my messages. He would just leave me on read, despite me knowing he was online for ages possibly chatting to other people. I didn't understand.
I stopped messaging for a bit thinking he needed space, but I texted him again last night saying I was thinking of him. Today, he finally replied accusing me of only wanting a FWB and not a relationship with him, and even though a FWB situation might be fine with him, I didn't treat him with the respect and communication that even warranted a FWB.
I was so confused. It was so out of the blue. I have literally told him before I wanted a relationship and HE was the one who said "Not yet". How did he turn it around blaming me for not pursuing a relationship with him? And how was I disrespectful? I asked him, but he's not replied.
I was reading this forum and other resources to find out why he's treated me like this. I know CPTSD people might push people that they are close to them, but is it normal that he blames me for things I have not done (as far as I know - he refuses to elaborate). I am very hurt by the accusation that all I wanted was a FWB, something that I feel he made up in his head when the reality is so different and I have been explicit in telling him I want him to be my partner. I know I shouldn't take things personally, but it still f*cking sucks. I'm not a therapist and I know I need more work myself (I see one regularly), but I do feel his CPTSD is not under control as much as he thinks it is. But also, part of me wonders whether I am trying to defend him thinking it is his CPTSD talking when it might just be him treating me badly. I am so confused and I've been crying nonstop since his last message.
I don't know if I make much sense. I don't know if I described the circumstances well. It's been a whirlwind of grief, anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, and everything else.
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