barefoot
MyPTSD Pro
My last therapy session was two weeks ago.
We were talking about a topic that’s pretty difficult and raw for me. In the past, experiences related to this topic were often negative and I felt invalidated and dismissed by others.
Later in the session, my T said something that really pissed me off and upset me. It felt critical, dismissive and invalidating.
Instantly, my walls went up and it was game over for the rest of the session really because I felt angry and disconnected and guarded.
I get that:
- I can have a tendency to get hung up on words/phrases that don’t land well
- The session had likely stirred up emotions about past experiences and brought to the surface some of those feels eg anger at feeling dismissed
- I was also just recovering from Coronavirus and still not feeling 100% so I was low on energy and perhaps I was especially sensitive (T was very kind when I had to cancel a previous session because I was too unwell and texted me every day to check-in and see how I was doing)
That all said, however, when I told my partner what my T had said she pulled a face and said it wouldn’t have gone down well with her either - and she doesn’t have sensitivity around the topic we were discussing.
We didn’t have our next session booked in and, because I felt so furious and upset and was struggling not to cry at the end of the session and I just wanted to get off the call, I opted not to book a next appointment there and then and we left it that I would email her to arrange.
I haven’t emailed her.
I usually see her weekly and have been working with her for a few years. This is the first time I have missed two weeks in a row simply because I haven’t got in touch to book them in.
I have posted here before about how I sometimes fantasise about either firing her or falling out with her which ends in me leaving. I’ve talked to her about this. And the thing with a fantasy is that it isn’t real, right? It’s not necessarily something you actually want to do in real life.
But now I feel that I sort of have...
I’m aware that I have had a strong sense of not wanting to get in touch because I want to punish her. I want to make her wait and make her wonder whether I’m going to get in touch again. My partner said the other day though that it’s actually me who she sees feeling punished by what I’m doing (or not doing!)
Part of me feels exhilarated and in control and pretty bloody triumphant about this whole situation. And thinks, I’ve ignored her for two weeks so let’s do a third week.
Another part of me feels relieved.
And another part feels very anxious and misses my T and is desperate to reconnect with her and smooth everything over.
I’m finding this inner conflict very confusing and difficult to manage.
I also feel embarrassed and ashamed about what I’m doing because T and I have talked at length about how my dad used to completely ignore us for days when I was a kid and it felt very punitive and cruel. And now I’m ignoring her.
I don’t really know what to do.
I don’t think I want to stop seeing this T altogether. And, even if I did decide that, this isn’t the way I’d want to do that.
I know it’s on me to make the next move. I know she isn’t going to contact me as we very clearly left it that she would wait for me to email her and I know she will respect that boundary.
I still feel upset and angry about the things she said even though I can accept they were probably clumsy expressions rather than that she was truly being dismissive.
I feel awkward about now emailing her and asking for a session when I’ve been ignoring her for a couple of weeks.
I don’t even know what I’d talk about now.
If I talk about last session, it will likely go like:
Me: When you said X I felt really dismissed and criticised.
Her: Well...I didn’t mean it like that.
Which is what it was like in the session itself when I tried to say that things hadn’t landed well and that just felt even more invalidating.
And there’s just not anything else I really feel like talking to her about now. I’ve been unwell with Coronavirus for weeks, so things we were working on before then now feel very, very distant and the momentum is gone and I just don’t feel motivated to now try to pick them up again, six weeks later.
Any thoughts on:
- next steps to take
- how to manage the inner conflict I have around all this
Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading and for any suggestions.
We were talking about a topic that’s pretty difficult and raw for me. In the past, experiences related to this topic were often negative and I felt invalidated and dismissed by others.
Later in the session, my T said something that really pissed me off and upset me. It felt critical, dismissive and invalidating.
Instantly, my walls went up and it was game over for the rest of the session really because I felt angry and disconnected and guarded.
I get that:
- I can have a tendency to get hung up on words/phrases that don’t land well
- The session had likely stirred up emotions about past experiences and brought to the surface some of those feels eg anger at feeling dismissed
- I was also just recovering from Coronavirus and still not feeling 100% so I was low on energy and perhaps I was especially sensitive (T was very kind when I had to cancel a previous session because I was too unwell and texted me every day to check-in and see how I was doing)
That all said, however, when I told my partner what my T had said she pulled a face and said it wouldn’t have gone down well with her either - and she doesn’t have sensitivity around the topic we were discussing.
We didn’t have our next session booked in and, because I felt so furious and upset and was struggling not to cry at the end of the session and I just wanted to get off the call, I opted not to book a next appointment there and then and we left it that I would email her to arrange.
I haven’t emailed her.
I usually see her weekly and have been working with her for a few years. This is the first time I have missed two weeks in a row simply because I haven’t got in touch to book them in.
I have posted here before about how I sometimes fantasise about either firing her or falling out with her which ends in me leaving. I’ve talked to her about this. And the thing with a fantasy is that it isn’t real, right? It’s not necessarily something you actually want to do in real life.
But now I feel that I sort of have...
I’m aware that I have had a strong sense of not wanting to get in touch because I want to punish her. I want to make her wait and make her wonder whether I’m going to get in touch again. My partner said the other day though that it’s actually me who she sees feeling punished by what I’m doing (or not doing!)
Part of me feels exhilarated and in control and pretty bloody triumphant about this whole situation. And thinks, I’ve ignored her for two weeks so let’s do a third week.
Another part of me feels relieved.
And another part feels very anxious and misses my T and is desperate to reconnect with her and smooth everything over.
I’m finding this inner conflict very confusing and difficult to manage.
I also feel embarrassed and ashamed about what I’m doing because T and I have talked at length about how my dad used to completely ignore us for days when I was a kid and it felt very punitive and cruel. And now I’m ignoring her.
I don’t really know what to do.
I don’t think I want to stop seeing this T altogether. And, even if I did decide that, this isn’t the way I’d want to do that.
I know it’s on me to make the next move. I know she isn’t going to contact me as we very clearly left it that she would wait for me to email her and I know she will respect that boundary.
I still feel upset and angry about the things she said even though I can accept they were probably clumsy expressions rather than that she was truly being dismissive.
I feel awkward about now emailing her and asking for a session when I’ve been ignoring her for a couple of weeks.
I don’t even know what I’d talk about now.
If I talk about last session, it will likely go like:
Me: When you said X I felt really dismissed and criticised.
Her: Well...I didn’t mean it like that.
Which is what it was like in the session itself when I tried to say that things hadn’t landed well and that just felt even more invalidating.
And there’s just not anything else I really feel like talking to her about now. I’ve been unwell with Coronavirus for weeks, so things we were working on before then now feel very, very distant and the momentum is gone and I just don’t feel motivated to now try to pick them up again, six weeks later.
Any thoughts on:
- next steps to take
- how to manage the inner conflict I have around all this
Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading and for any suggestions.