Damaged Because I Couldn't Stand Up For Myself.

[Deleted member 38242]

I just thought about it and I think part of my damage is I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself ever. My family bullied me and if I got upset like mad as a youngster I would be locked up in army combat maneuvers and picked up with my arm behind me back.
If I was quiet with my head down the odds of being picked on at home were less. And the jokes wernt as cruel.
I took that into the world, and when we moved at 10 that's all I knew. The obnoxious affluent brats spit, bullied, and stalked me for years. I just was quiet with my head down. Then sick psychopath narssistic bastards found me through that and revenge porn, and made it into a big joke, and f*cked me up bad.
I wouldn't be a whore so they psychologically tortured me with methods close to the f*cking CIA but definitely found it over seas as what Russia did to political descendants during the Cold War. Money and power can do a lot in secret.
I could never stand up for myself when I needed. I wasn't taught to or allowed. Then when it was to late was tortured by a wold my elderly parents didn't know exist.
Anyone else taught to just shut up and be quiet? It hurts after your life's gone by and that is all you can see looking at what brought you to this place in life.

 

[hodge]

Yes, I finally learned that it was best to just shut up with my mom. It was better to just let her rant and rave, because if I ever tried to counter her craziness with actual facts and truth, I got skewered. She is an American but definitely has Stalinist tendencies.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

 

[Deleted member 40217]

I'm sorry for what happened to you. Thanks for sharing. I was taught early in life to stay quiet or the sexual and physical abuse would be more violent. I could never pick my head up to make eye contact with them. This too carried on through my life. I felt like I couldn't make a move or decision without some kind of approval from someone or a command was given. I feel some of your pain, wish I had some magic answers for you as I going thru the same thing. Stay strong my friend

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I can learn how to now appropriately that's a start. I can admit I can't do anything about the past. I can make sure I'm around good people who will let me fumble and work through issues when a boundary is crossed. And , I can stay in mindfulness.
I think part of this is forgiving myself for the past. It's not my fault, and I didn't deserve it. That's a start. I can't change the past, and I can't go back, so why do I bring it forward except to understand about it now, and to not fall into another abusive trap again.
Thanks you guys. It's going to be ok. We're here, and supporting each other through this. Sometimes that's more than enough.

 

[FireSign8]

I come from a long line of abusive people. I doubt they knew they were abusive, because in their minds, they were just being good citizens & trying to raise their children "right". This is how I was finally able to rationalize the physical, verbal, mental/psychological abuse I received as a child, adolescent & adult. I did not ask for the abuse I received & I never knowingly did things to attract the types of people who continued to abuse me in my adult years.

I had to do a lot of relearning & reparenting of myself in order to stop the cycle I was stuck in. Oddly, having a child of my own forced/encouraged me to learn to be a better parent than I had as role models. I never wanted to do the things to my child that were done to me. I never did, but it didn't stop those people from coming after my child when they could no longer get to me. It has taken years, but we are both doing fine & most of the people who caused us hurt & harm in the past are dead from natural causes, committed suicide, or went to jail for a very long time.

I worry about a few of them who are now back out in the world. I had to change my name to get some peace of mind. I will always have a bit of PTSD because of my abusers. I like to think they helped to save me from myself because I was headed on a road to self destruction & was tempting death with every dangerous act I committed. Perhaps they died for a reason & perhaps I lived for a reason. For today, that's enough to keep me happy & free from dangerous addictive substances & dangerous behavior! If there truly is a "hell", I hope it has calmed them down a bit & when I enter, they all won't come to get me at once! :roflmao::sorry::facepalm::singing::wideeyed:

 

[Twilight]

When we are children, we "should" be able to learn and be allowed to set boundaries. But, abusers refuse to respect or allow others to set boundaries. So, we are never allowed to stand up for ourselves, or say "no" to the behavior of others. We learn to let others walk all over us in order to escape more abuse coming down on us. We are "trained" by abusers to let them walk all over us. (because there is hell to pay if we try to defend ourselves).

Now, when we are free of our abuse, our task is to learn to value ourselves and set boundaries so others will respect us. Sounds simple, but i know full well how hard it is. Takes a life time. And i am just escaping another abusive relationship, so obviously i havent got it down yet.....

 

[jade53]

I just thought about it and I think part of my damage is I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself ever...

I don't know if I'm allowed to put links to a site on here, but many of us seem to have similar problems related to our upbringings and being the scapegoat. I've found it extremely helpful learning to understand and overcome what seems to be a very denominator. There's so much self help information about being the victim of cPTSD/ PTSD/ abuse/ bullying/ naricissism or whatever that to me has been like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel to help work things out that nobody else could for me.
Oh well I can't put a link on but if you can check out Richard Grannon on you tube " Why Your family hates you (8 steps to coping with scapegoating/ mobbing/narcissism/projection".

 

[Llith]

I am struggling to come to terms with exactly this at he moment.

In my childhood fighting back got you hurt, speaking out of time got you hurt, not doing everything possible to make the other person's life easier got you yelled at and hurt. I had to predict everything and It was always about the other people, not me.

Later on and I got sexually assaulted 3 separate times, and 2 of them were because I didn't know how to stop everything or stand up for myself. I would fight and submit intermittently because I kept remembering fighting only got you hurt.

I don't know how to handle the fact that essentially the way I was brought up has made me vunerable to a whole host of situations in ways I didn't even realise for a long time.

Threats worked because I believed them, and believed I couldn't stand up to them. I wasn't tortured in the normal way, but mentally the narssasistic bastard damaged me, maybe permanently.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I am struggling to come to terms with exactly this at he moment.

In my childhood fighting back got you...

I was just looking this up on youtube. It's complex ptsd that causes people to freeze and not be able to protect themselves. Most of my bullying, and sexual assaults came from the inability to act in the situation.
Complex ptsd is accepted over seas, but the dsm 5 didn't include it. They have some great stuff! It's painful to be everyone's shit hole for cruelty, but with a little information it gets better. In fact it stops the victim from carrying the blame for sick peoples actions the more information I'm getting. Very painful to admit that a life time of abuse.