I can't possibly stand up for myself - It wont end well.

[TruthSeeker]

Oh, you are so on point!

 

[Marvel545]

Thanks for the responses guys..

If people can’t abide by boundaries?

Flush ‘em.

I agree with this. My problem has been me saying I’m fine with things that I’m not fine with because I’m terrified of the response if I say I’m not ok. In reality I shouldn’t be terrified, certainly not in the present moment.

If you’re thinking that having boundaries will change other people, or that if other people don’t follow your boundaries they’re not working?

I don’t think this. I know I can’t control others.

Boundaries are what you do when other people cross them.

See above. This is the problem. I feel incapable of doing anything. I just say it’s ok & move on.

I think fueling this is a fear of abandonment & acting as if I’m in a dangerous situation, when I’m not.

 

[pam4him]

I think many of us have moments like this. I've had them over the years, and then somehow, some way, you just get enough and you are able to stand up for yourself, to say no, not this time, I can't, or whatever needs to be said. A book that helped me was Boundaries by Henry Cloud. This book helped me set healthy, respectful boundaries. There's also a workbook. Give it a try and see if it helps you. Prayers for peace, wisdom and strength.

 

[Freida]

Maybe think of it like this -- the first step in setting boudaries is knowing that you need one

Another is being at the beck and call of my girlfriend & my Dad. They expect me to drop everything to drive them around, that would just look respectful & fair. Ideally it would be my Dad ordering a new car & my girlfriend passing her test.

lie. Seriously --that's what I had to do to get my boundaries going with my brother. He would say "can you" and I would say "sorry but I have to insert thing here. Sorry, I have an appointment, I'm working, I'm going to be out of town, whatever. It kind of eased me into figuring out what I was going to say when he tried to make me feel guilty -- and reinforced for me that in his eyes my needs will always come second. That pissed me off enough to start adding more :laugh:

I feel incapable of doing anything. I just say it’s ok & move on.
I think fueling this is a fear of abandonment & acting as if I’m in a dangerous situation, when I’m not.

Actually - you are. Not physical danger but emotional danger. Setting boundaries is a huge risk because uberneedy people may abandon you if you aren't at their beck and call. I lost several people that I thought were close friends when I really committed to improving my health and taking the time I needed. But what I learned is this.... I'd rather have one person in my life who will respect my boundaries than five who only want me for what I can do for them. I won't lie - it was tough. But totally worth it

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Marvel545 - Less words is better in setting boundaries. I find tell the truth- always, but vaguely- give no details- you owe nothing or no specific reason for not being available-makes for less drama and I dont become a participant in their drama.

My go to favorite:
Person expecting your help or presence says:
Can you do X, or help w X blah Blah ???

Me:
“ I have a conflict and can’t, sorry.”(this translates in my head as I’m setting emotional/physical boundaries and your request is causing me a conflict- honest, vague, and not arguable.

Number 2 Go to response:
“That doesn’t work for me, I can’t.” Same as above- doesn’t work translates- politely I don’t want to”

Number 3 go to response:
“Need to keep that date free, I have something potentially planned- waiting for confirmation) (Translates into I will find something better to do- another polite way of bowing out)

If they are relentless in their request of your time, hold your ground even if you are feeling guilted into something that will cross the boundary you set, be honest-“ I really don’t like or would prefer not to do X but you might try the following to help you get your needs met: give them a resource-a polite deflection which sends the message that they can pay for their needs to be met.
( pet sitting service, house cleaning service, taxi/transportation service, take out delivery, lawn care service, Amazon- for home delivery groceries, Handyman, etc. etc.

Politely say, that you hope they find a solution soon.Have a great day. Gotta run, Bye” Hang up!

I never said no- I’ve learned several polite “excuses” which help keep the boundaries intact. I wish you luck!

I found setting boundaries required being honest, saying no, and not leaving the asker in a lurch wherever possible, and keeping it SUPER short. I won’t engage in begging behavior or acknowledge whining, guilt, or other manipulation.

 

[Freida]

ok - I like @Wilbur's version better Same idea but way more planned out! :laugh:

 

[joeylittle]

I never said no- I’ve learned several polite “excuses” which help keep the boundaries intact. I wish you luck!

Just seconding this post, and adding an element.

If I don't want to give any reason for saying no - or, if I've already given the reason once and the other person is applying more pressure - I go to:

"I'm afraid it's/that's not possible"

And I just keep repeating it as needed, from that point forward.

 

[Marvel545]

Thanks for the responses guys, I've bookmarked a couple of these posts, as they are fantastic & I most definitely will be using them.

I stood up for myself on Thursday, with my Dad it was initially met with abhorrent rage & false accusations. I had my facts in order though, so after that it has been met with respect. It was terrifying initially, but I got through it & it wasn't half as bad as I thought it would.

I couldn't have done it without the help of you guys, which I am unbelievably grateful for.

 

[Friday]

Just seconding this post, and adding an element.

Ditto...

If flat out no is too difficult to wrap your mind around... or it’s complicated by living with people... try a Yes+Condition.

It trains you to stop asking “How high?” whenever anyone says “Jump” AND gets the people around you used to the idea that you’re not 100% thrilled and available to chauffeur. What it does is give the other person a choice. They have a choice between accepting the condition, deciding no that won’t work for them, or attempting to negotiate with you.

Time is a super common condition.... that people are very used to hearing / accepting, somit could be a good place to start.
- I can’t today, but tomorrow would be great.
- Anytime before 2pm today.
- As long as we can be back before 230.
- I need about an hour, before we can go.
- This morning, or tomorrow morning might work, but it would be better to go this afternoon.


Yes, but... is another common one
- Sure, I can drive... but I’d rather you just took my car, today.
- I can, but if you could ask Jodi that would be better.
- Can Jodi drive you? She can take my car. Just put gas in it.
Etc.

 

[Rani G2]

They have a choice between accepting the condition, deciding no that won’t work for them, or attempting to negotiate with you.

This is gonna hang on my wall... @Friday finally I am learning from you.
Not HOPE blah =What gives you Excitement?

 

[The Albatross]

Ohhh, snap back to this Marvel:

My problem has been me saying I’m fine with things that I’m not fine with because I’m terrified of the response if I say I’m not ok. In reality I shouldn’t be terrified, certainly not in the present moment.

It is a hard thing to admit to oneself, even in a round about way, that the distressing relational issues are exacerbated by one's dishonesty or lack of ability to be candid and frank. Terrified or not, the behavior to people please is an enmeshed dishonest response rather than a genuine choice because it keeps a person from actualizing wants/needs/desires or autonomy through choices or decision making. Simply put, it keeps you small bro' BUT it also gives the incorrect info to your relationship peeps.

Put on your thinking cap and determine how you are contributing to this by an inability to be honest and how you can be self sabotaging your peace, calm, okayness. Problem solve it and choose to endeavor to arrest the behavior so that you can say, No, or I'm not fine instead of "going along (and against yourself and your own wants/needs/desires) to get along."

Boundaries will be tested. Consistency is the key to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries... but all that is for naught unless you get the ability to communicate honestly.

 

[Teasel]

I stood up for myself on Thursday, with my Dad it was initially met with abhorrent rage & false accusations. I had my facts in order though, so after that it has been met with respect. It was terrifying initially, but I got through it & it wasn't half as bad as I thought it would.

Really pleased for you @Marvel545 well done :D