Relationship Dating A Combat Vet With Ptsd, Have Question

[Snowflakes]

@shorttakes Is your veteran going to therapy at the VA? Doing so will help him manage his PTSD which will help him manage relationships. It will still be difficult for him but therapy will help him. With respect to his meds.....if he is getting them through the VA, they tend to over-prescribe meds because the system doesn’t have enough psychologists to provide frequent and consistent therapy. Of course, this varies depending on the VAMC he is attached to. Some meds, including benzodiazepines, will cause memory problems.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@shorttakes Is your veteran going to therapy at the VA? Doing so will help him manage his PTSD which...

@Snowflakes, when you say that the meds some times given by the VA can cause memory problems. Do you mean they can have problems remembering that they once loved you, or you were a loved one of theirs?

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD in itself can give somebody memory and cognition issues too... Especially with short term memory stuff. Factor in an additional TBI which is common with combat vets, and it makes for some forgetfulness.

 

[Snowflakes]

@Snowflakes, when you say that the meds some times given by the VA can cause memory pro...

No, not that type of memory loss. It’s more the “I don’t remember if I did that” sort of thing. @Sweetpea76 also gives great information including TBI.

My experiences come from being a VietNam Veteran diagnosed with PTSD. This was a long time ago and I manage pretty well today because of great therapy and meds. In my case, time was a good healer. It’s been almost 50 years since I arrived in-country. The benzodiazepines made me forget what I said or did. It seems I was aware of it at the time but didn’t remember if asked about it later.

 

[Shorttakes]

Thank.you for the response. He takes meds. Whatever he is prescribed and feels it is a good fit for him. I guess he had bad anger issues before the meds. However, he literrally loses everything he touches. He will never remember where anything is in the kitchen for some reason. Like which draw the forks are in.... its bizarre. He does not go to counseling and i wish he would. He says im hard on him but im just trying to help him see the real world. We arent talking after a weekend of me being sick, him getting drunk for a football game and wanting to take care of me but unable to becaus he just made a mess while trying to help. He gets extremely defensive all the time. Like he is inadequate. But in reality he is... i dont say that to him. I just do things myself. As a marine he should know how to clean. Im a former marine as well but did not see combat... maybe we are just very different people...

 

[G.P.]

I'm no expert. And I don't have anyones answers for sure.
I just tend to think that a healthy relationship primarily revolves around respect. Not emotions or feelings of 'Love".
Without respect from both parties towards the other..... there is no foundation. Hence whatever else that is deemed good in the
relationship will fall apart without a healthy foundation. Trying to hold onto the perceived good in a relationship without a healthy foundation will eventually serve to wear out the one trying. If one thinks this thru to its logical conclusion, do you really want to spend your life this way?

 

[Freida]

He says im hard on him but im just trying to help him see the real world. We arent talking after a weekend of me being sick, him getting dru

Bingo! Your definition of the "real world" and mine ( as a sufferer ) are totally different. You want me to focus on day to day stuff, getting bills paid, cleaning house, having a relationship. Me? I want to just want to stay alive. You don't see the constant threats that are behind every door or under every bush that make up my "real world"

You see pretty flowers. I see sniper hiding places. You want me to control my emotions. I have no idea how. You want me to remember where I put my car keys...I can't remember anything when all I hear are air raid sirens going off.

This is life with a ptsd sufferer....so you have to accept us as we are and stop trying to change us. Even with treatment life is difficult and it usually gets worse before it gets better. Then we isolate because our brains are exploding. Now add the stress of not living up to your expectations and poof! Gone

I don't mean to be harsh but this is reality for alot of us. People come into our lives and say they love us...but can't cope with this huge illness that rules out lives. So then it's all about changing us

 

[Hojay]

I hear ya @Freida. We do have two very different realities. Our supporter reality is easy to grasp (on the surface, more about that below), those of our sufferers often not so much. That's why I'm thankful you're sharing your own reality on here. It does help to get look inside.

People come into our lives and say they love us...but can't cope with this huge illness that rules out lives. So then it's all about changing us

I want to add here though, that it's not quite as simple as you lay it out here ^^. Very rarely does a sufferer come into your life and say, "This is my reality, this is what it looks like. This is what I'm capable of doing, this is what I'm never going to do. Here are my limits, this is what it's going to be. If you can't accept that, go." The reality is often a little less straightforward: "Here, I trust you, this is the part of the reality I want you to see. But I'm coping. I'm still struggling, but I'm working on being able to do XYZ, that's my goal. So bare with me at times, please, sometimes I'll need a little time to myself, but know I'm working hard on recovering and it's not you."

So it's not so much that we come into our sufferers lives and love them on the premise of wanting to change them. What was presented to us in the beginning stages of the relationship was 1. wholly acceptable as to the behavior/reality displayed, and 2. predicated on the changes they said and continue to say they want to experience THEMSELVES for themselves.

Then we start seeing the mismatches between what they themselves proclaimed was the reality and goal, and the actual truth of the matter (which we, supporters, have to gather over a long period of time.) Pair that with the myriad of ways their struggle starts projecting onto us, and one can start feeling a little duped (never consciously, don't get me wrong.)

So on the one hand we get the struggle and we always support recovery, but keep in mind that the unspoken "contract" ^ upon which we entered these relationships as supporters can change and shift and fall apart quite rapidly. And when that happens, it's often boiled down to supporters not having been supportive or understanding enough--that they just don't get it--rather than the fact that we entered this relationship based on a "contract" that did not clearly and fairly delineate what we're agreeing to in the first place.

Forgive me if this is harsh, but from what I read on this forum, as well as my own experience, many sufferers don't want a partner, they want a service pet that exists solely for their well-being and benefit. When a partner fails to hold up to that expectation, it's somehow on them, not on the sufferer who should be taking a look at that expectation (and the communication of that expectation!) in the first place.

 

[Freida]

@Hojay you are completely right! I sometimes forget that if I'm not clear about what is wrong then I can't be upset with those who support me. the best I can do isntell mine that it's like having a good in two realities all the time and too often I dont know which one is real

This sums it up really well....

This is my reality, this is what it looks like. This is what I'm capable of doing, this is what I'm never going to do. Here are my limits, this is what it's going to be. If you can't accept that, go." The reality is often a little less straightforward: "Here, I trust you, this is the part of the reality I want you to see. But I'm coping. I'm still struggling, but I'm working on being able to do XYZ, that's my goal. So bare with me at times, please, sometimes I'll need a little time to myself, but know I'm working hard on recovering and it's not you."

I wish I could do that but so often I just don't know how I'm feeling..much less how to talk about it. Last night for instance I had a Scary Monster Night. That's when my brain keeps insisting there is a monster too close. But where? Why?? What kind? No idea. It just means Xanax and a warning to hubby that I'm going to wake up fighting. It's only been in the last two years I learned where they come from. Before that I couldn't explain -- even if I wanted to-- because is the wrong reality. Can you imagine how crazy that makes me feel??

Then yep...I lash out at hubby because he doesn't understand.

 

[Old Jumpmaster]

Hello everyone. I'm here because I just recently have started dating a man who is a combat veteran with...

Yes it is very normal. When working in group or dealing with changes to routine like a new muse causes feelings to surface. The adrenaline from your experience together will often causes what I call a “crash”. It lasts hours or days depending on the adrenaline push. Hope that helps.
My background includes 24 years active duty with 6 Combat tours. I understand where he is.

 

[grimalkin]

So it's not so much that we come into our sufferers lives and love them on the premise of wanting to change them. What was presented to us in the beginning stages of the relationship was 1. wholly acceptable as to the behavior/reality displayed, and 2. predicated on the changes they said and continue to say they want to experience THEMSELVES for themselves.

This has been my struggle, too. My sufferer even asked me to not pay attention to his actions, but listen to his words, when he tells me what he wants out of life, how he feels about me, etc (SHOULDA BEEN A RED FLAAAAAG). His words told me he wanted me in his life, he loved me, he liked the person he was and wanted to be a better person. His actions? Not so much. And then, sometimes his words said "Deal with it or leave."

Of course, I'm also struggling because PTSD wasn't an "issue" for the first....7?....years of our relationship. So I put up with what I thought was abusive and/or crazy behavior, so I'm trying to work through why (co-dependence wheeee).

But, yeah. I remember a rather painful conversation my sufferer and I had - I told him I felt like I'd been lied to about who he was, what he wanted, where he wanted to be (still not realizing the impact PTSD had on our lives - I waited WAY too long after the initial diagnosis to research - and I didn't research because he asked me not to. That was dumb). This conversation, of course, was triggering.

My point is that I just wanted my sufferer to be the person HE claimed to want to be. Or at least be willing to work to get there - unfortunately, he also very much expects other people to...almost take responsibility for his illness. He stopped seeing a psychiatrist because they weren't "curing" him. He expected magic words, and to not have to confront his inner demons. Unfortunately, it was not a psychiatrist who dealt with trauma or PTSD - ah the joys of having to use the ONLY one in a 4 hour radius who will take workers comp. So he's back to being the asshole loner that he claimed once upon a time to not want to be anymore.

 

[savon davais]

Hello everyone. I'm here because I just recently have started dating a man who is a combat veteran with...

Maybe he is thinking about getting back with his wife. ?