Relationship Dating A Ex Combat Vet Confused

[shorelinelove23]

Similar to many of the postings I have read I am dating an ex combat marine. A little back story is that he joined the marines right out of high school and was in for 8 years served 3 combat tours one in which he lost a few good friends of his. This past August he started his transition to civil life and began school at a local university.

When we first started dating about a year ago everything was perfect, one of the most amazing guys I have ever met and felt very lucky to finally have met someone decent after a string of bad relationships. Though the first 3 months of our relationship we weren't close distance wise,we both couldn't wait for the day that distance would no longer be a factor in either of our relationships because for him he was used to leaving to go on tours for 6-7 months at a time and me I was finally excited to have to deal with an LDR after being in a previous LDR for 2 years.

The first couple of months after his transition things were great (August-December) we didn't fight or anything and I know most relationships fall out of the honeymoon phase but it seemed like one January hit things just headed down hill and FAST!! Started to get into more frequent fights over the littlest things, affection started to deteriorate and started to feel like the person I once dated was no longer there, almost a completely different person. The biggest and most hurtful thing I began to notice was the lack of empathy on his part to situations I was dealing with. For example I recently found out that my brother was deploying and after years of wanting to become a teacher found out the news that I will never become one. Obviously I was upset and crying his response was stop throwing yourself a pitty party.

I was getting outside pressure from my mom to figure out where our relationship would go after I graduate college next spring and did not want feel like I was trapping him knowing that he was previously engaged at a younger age. That is when the fights started to go from bad to worse when I attempted to have a small conversation about it. The promises of I don't want to leave you, I will never hurt you, you are the best thing for me, we will make this work all turned I don't know, I don't think I can give you what you want and I don't know if I want to fix what is wrong with our relationship. I attempt to verbally express how hurt I am from these responses and he just shuts down no empathy on his part which leaves me feeling more alone than ever.

I know he suffers from some sort of post traumatic stress when it comes to certain situations and recently has been suffering from debilitating migraines: throwing up, can't walk, can't speak no sense of surrounding.

I love and care about him a lot, more than I have anyone else. I miss the way things used to be and I'm tired of feeling so alone. I don't want to loose him but feel like I slowly am. I suggest things all the time what I can do to make our relationship better but I get is a frustrating IDK. Last night I asked him what he loved about me or what made him fall in love with me...got a simple IDK. His combat friends have girlfriends but being the outsider, the youngest one and the new one to the group I feel like I can't connect with them and don't know what to do.

Thank you and sorry for the length

 

[CzechTexan26]

Don't apologize for the length. We have a lot on our hearts, & we can't always go to the men we love.

So much of what you said mirrors my relationship. The only thing is he hasn't told me he wants to end things. He's still at the "I don't want to lose you" stage. He told me that on Wednesday night, it's now Sunday & I haven't heard from him. Yesterday was my birthday.

I've offered us tweaking a break from one another & he promised things would get better, that he just needed time to get his head right. I don't understand why that should include pushing me away. I'm not asking him to tell me everything or share his combat experiences if he doesn't want to, just hook me up with a good morning or good night or an I'm alive.

I lost my job 2 wks ago, and when I told him about if I expected my best friend to be on the other line. He wasn't cold, but he wasn't the living man I know him to be. I love this man more than I ever thought possible, & I'm a strong independent woman, but I know it takes 2 to make the relationship work. My guy is on meds & does counseling, but added stress & change in his life have gotten him off his schedule. I recently found out he hasn't been on his meds for awhile bc he ran out. I'm new to this whole thing & I don't know anyone else dealing with this yet. So far it's been SO helpful knowing I'm not alone. It helps me take things not so personally, but he doesn't make me miss the "normal" love of my life any less.

I'm sorry if this isn't exactly helpful, but I hope it brings you a little peace of mind to know there are others out there.

 

[dms]

I'm so Sorry that you both are in pain!!

 

[atthree]

I have had my downs (married 26 yrs.), but I'd start by "What did I do to deserve this, jerk wod?" and then "What did you do, so bad to think you don't deserve me?" God knows, I've/I love so many woman that I thought that deserved better. Then finding out they where treated worse than me and my PTSD with another man.... Lights me up that he cheated on her. I am grateful for the love that I have.

PS: I love teacher, because they put up with me and my PTSD.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I was getting outside pressure from my mom to figure out where our relationship would go after I graduate college next spring and did not want feel like I was trapping him knowing that he was previously engaged at a younger age. That is when the fights started to go from bad to worse when I attempted to have a small conversation about it.

I don't know you or your sufferer, but I can venture to guess that the lack of empathy and pulling away may be a reaction to what he may feel is pressure from you about your relationship. It doesn't matter that you were NOT trying to pressure him, if a sufferer can feel pressure about anything from any possible angle, they are going to feel it. that's PTSD.

I know he suffers from some sort of post traumatic stress when it comes to certain situations and recently has been suffering from debilitating migraines: throwing up, can't walk, can't speak no sense of surrounding.

Is he getting any kind for treatment for his PTSD? If not, the VA can be a good place to start. Also, does he have a TBI that could be causing the migraines and confusion? My vet has the PTSD and TBI combo, and they seem to exacerbate each other at times.

Things are going to be rough if he is untreated. He may have periods of time where he is doing well, then out of the blue, the PTSD beast will rear its ugly head. The only thing that you yourself can do to help him is research PTSD and learn all you can about the disorder, then learn to react to his symptoms in the best way possible. No supporter goes into it knowing exactly what to do. We all have to learn.

The supporter section here has some great threads that are really helpful. There are lots of us on here who love combat vets with PTSD, so it is a good place to come for advice and support. Also there are some good articles and threads on the forum in general that can help you understand PTSD better. One of the most helpful ones is the PTSD cup explanation, which helps us understand how our sufferers react to stress. https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

Another really good place to start is with the book "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England. It has a whole section on Combat PTSD, and sections on communication and conflict resolution. It is a great "starter" book for supporters.

It is possible to have a happy and healthy relationship with a PTSD Sufferer if you both are willing to work on it.

 

[shorelinelove23]

@CzechTexan26

It is nice to not feel alone and to know that others are going through exactly what I am currently experiencing. I hope things get better for you and your relationship and happy belated birthday. This might be irony but whenever I get bogged down my boyfriend (the same one who I posted about) always says they can never take away my birthday!

 

[shorelinelove23]

@Sweetpea76

He just started his process from the VA and I know that will take awhile to go through. YAY gotta love the VA. My mom works in the hospital and knows some good neurologist that helped out my brother when he had major concussions from wrestling back in high school.
Your advice to learn how to react the best way to his symptoms is a good suggestion, I'll look into that as well as read those books. Today seemed to be a lot better back to his old self but I know it will only be a matter of time when things go back in which I hope they don't.

Having ADHD myself I know one of my personal struggles is when it comes to conflict and expressing emotion sometimes I get angry very quickly or very upset. I have worked on that though to make things better. I told him he makes me a better person overall and I don't know if this is him talking or years of being in the military when he responds you can't rely on me like that. I know in a healthy relationship that you have to rely on the person in times.

What do y'all think?

 

[CzechTexan26]

Our vets must take ownership of their decisions, and if they want to honestly be in a relationship they have to do their part. Getting help is a huge step, but they need to understand it's not the only step.

My situation is different because 'A' was already in treatment when we met, & I think the relationship changed his routine. He didn't anticipate that or the other changes in his life. Adding my needs & wants to the pile I'm sure resulted in his PTSD coming on so quickly. I'm not blaming myself for any of it, only recognizing contributing factors.

Luckily I love research, so I am excited (and a little fearful) about diving in & learning as much as I can without adding pressure to 'A' to teach me or explain everything to me. With that being said, 'A' must learn to deal with this as a team. He's spent however long dealing with it strictly as an individual, but in order for us to move forward his treatment will need to be adjusted accordingly.

I'm happy to hear your beau had a good day, but instead of waiting for the next bad day, cherish the good moments. It will take time, but if you both continue to work hard at it, the good times will be more frequent and better than ever (I'm saying that for myself as much as for you!!) thank you for the bday wishes, and that's true...my bday still came & went despite the crap.

@Sweetpea76 - I'll be getting that starter book asap! Your post was full of great insight, thank you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

As supporters, we've all been there. Its such a learning process, and it never ends. You have to learn about PTSD in general, your sufferer's specific type of PTSD (in our cases, Combat PTSD), then your sufferer's specific case of PTSD. Every bad spell is an opportunity to learn how to do things better.

For me, it is very comforting to research. It helps me feel like I have a little more control over the chaos.

 

[jeannetta]

Im brandnew to this but just wanted to reach out and show my support. I am currently going through the something very similar my partner for the last year just started distancing him self a couple months ago out the clear blue sky and just told me a couple weeks ago that he is not able to there for melike i deserve because of his ptsd. It hurts so much to realize that this disorder is so real but it is. You are not alone at. I get so upset when he blows me off or ignores me but recently have stopped and thought he ia going through so much himself. I do my best to be strong it helps to know im not alone too

 

[CzechTexan26]

Is it normal for them to go days or a week without responding to you?

Also, when they go into hermit mode, are we just supposed to leave them alone & wait, or do we still reach out every day letting them know we love them? I've chosen the latter by texting once at night & once in the morning, but now I'm wondering if that is irritating him more. I hate being shut-out like this by a man who is SO kind & loving.

@jeannetta - welcome! Doing the research has done so much for me. Like @Sweetpea76 said, I too feel like I have a little more control over the situation. At least I'm able to not take his down days so personally...that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. I just ordered the book she suggested (I love reg books,) but it is also available as an ebook according to the guy at B&N.

Keep sharing & asking. The best resources we have are each other.

 

[LostOne83]

@CzechTexan26 I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend. From what I have read it is normal for them to go not respond. The most I've had my boyfriend not respond to me was two days. Like you asked, what I do when I feel like I may be bothering him or being too much, I will text him in the morning and let him know that I hope he has a good day at work and than I text him at night good night before I go to bed. Sometimes I will text halfway through the day just to say that I hope he is having a good day and that I am thinking of him. Sometimes to my surprise I will get a reply.

As much as you don't want to you need to give him space. What my hardest thing is trying to deal with lately is why can he talk to everyone else all the time but not talk to me. It kills me inside. But I just need to keep it in my head that it is not me.