Relationship Dating An Army Cpt. W/possible Ptsd - Advice And Support Needed

[Tiffany3]

Oh here are the articles that Sweetpea mentioned

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Yup....every one of my friends has told me to walk away. And while it's hard to admit, I've considered it.

I haven't heard from him today (1 day isn't a big deal though) and while I've thought about reaching out, I don't.
1. I'm afraid of pushing him further away than he is right now - I'm not sure what behavior is acceptable/not acceptable;
2. I've got my own issues/anxieties regarding relationships - My ex-husband walked out on me after 7 months, leaving me a "Dear Jane" letter. I was living in Spain (he's Spanish) and was left alone in a foreign country with no support system, few language skills, little to no resources, etc. I wasn't able to come home right away as I was under a teaching contract that I couldn't break. So I stayed on my own, alone, for another 4 months before returning home where I've spent the last 6 years rebuilding/re-establishing my life and career.

Right now I am in one of my funks/freak outs where I'm wondering if it's just better to let him go. :(

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Right now I am in one of my funks/freak outs where I'm wondering if it's just better to let him go.

Well you have to do what is best for you and it is ok to feel like that. I fight against myself daily about that. The indignant feminist in me is like "screw that guy, he should be talking to me" and then the empath in me says "He has PTSD. He's not talking to me because he can't, not because he doesn't want to." Its like I have the angel and devil sitting on my shoulders whispering conflicting messages in my ear. I've just decided to flick both of them off like little bugs and not make any decisions on the bad days. I won't make decisions, that will change my life drastically, until I'm clear(er) in the head. Wait 24 hours and see if you still feel the same.

 

[Tiffany3]

I broke down and sent him a text. I just said I was thinking about him and was hoping he was having a good day. He just responded with the usual "Hey you I hope you're having a great day as well!" I told him I am but hearing from him made it better and then......radio silence. Nothing more, no response.

My heart is breaking right now and I don't know what to do or say or think or feel......I just want to go back to having normal conversations with him like we did prior to our fight last/his attempt at a break up last week. I miss him and I can't even tell him that because I'm afraid it will send him further away from me. :cry: Did seeing me and our fight last week send him into this retreat mode? I don't understand what is happening......I thought we were ok after we decided to keep talking and taking things SLOW so why haven't our conversations returned to normal? Is this "normal" behavior for someone with PTSD/anxiety? Should I do as @Sweetpea76 said and just take a giant chill pill and let it go? I'm so lost right now.......

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Oh Tiffany, this is normal and good. He's able to respond to you which is more than many of us get. I haven't gotten a text since last Thursday. My friend hasn't heard from her man in two months!

You can't take it personally. The key is to focus on the good, not the bad. You control your reaction to this. You can look at it with a smile and say "He wants to talk to me because he texted me and I know he will reach out when he's ready." or you can be negative and say "He won't have a conversation with me." It took me a good month to be able to see things with a positive view.

You mean enough to him for him to send you a response, regardless of whether it is the usual. He took the time to send you that. My guy can't even handle texting right now at all. You can't blame yourself and don't create issues that aren't there. You, unfortunately, have to wait until he is ready to talk before you can get answers to your questions. Until then, you just have to do other things to take your mind off of him.

Keep in mind that PTSD taking it slow is slower than our slow. And you know we want it to move faster than it is moving. Nothing short of them sweeping us up in their arms will make us feel better right now and not even that - trust me because I got swept last Friday and then back to radio silence too.

Your conversations haven't returned to normal because he is not out of his moment yet. Give him the time he needs.
This is normal behavior for someone with PTSD because communication can be very difficult for them.
You should take a giant chill pill and let it go. Not in a bad way, just take care of yourself and try to refocus your attention.

My friend says to give it all to God. I don't know if you're religious or not, but I wasn't before this, but this has brought me closer to God. There is nothing I can do except pray for strength, peace of mind, clarity and for him. She says that God has a plan for all of us and everything will happen in the time that it is meant to.

She sent me this quote today:
"Waiting is a sign of true love and patience. Anyone can say I love you, but not everyone can wait and prove it's true."

Hey I sent you a private conversation, I hope you'll take a look at it.

 

[Dawn W]

I have to weigh in. I love my soldier. I am patient and supportive. Most of the comments about how other soldiers with PTSD are behaving fit, except that we do spend quite a bit of time together.

I can't help but feel some of this is just guys being guys and generally selfish asses. I recognize that their coping mechanisms are different and their thought processes are changed, but what about common courtesy and respect.

Why do I subject myself to these aloof behaviors when they make me feel codependent and like a door mat?
It's because I'm so confused. When I am with him I have his undivided attention. He can't seem to get enough of me. His passion for conversation, learning, dreaming, caring. They are all too real. There is nothing else that exists when we are together.

Then, we are apart and the distance starts. He goes from sharing his most intimate thoughts, ideas and experiences to statements in simple texts like, "hope you have a good day today," and then at night, consistently, "Sweet dreams."

He tells me things, like he feels I have "saved him," from his dispair, then backs away. Noncommittal. He says he's in no condition for "a relationship of any kind." WTF. It's almost six months. Like it or not, labels or no, guess what? We have a relationship Houston! It's not traditional, but it is one none the less.

I don't know how many times I've met with him just to say I can't take it anymore and that I'm leaving... Then he wins me over and the words don't come...

Right now I'm just effing irritated with the situation.

Wondering if it's PTSD or he's just an ass with an excuse to use on an empathetic woman such as myself.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Hi everyone! I tried to read through this whole thread but can't lie, I skimmed a little. I usually just like to read threads others post because I find it comforting that I'm not alone.

This one stuck out for some reason... Maybe because your posts remind me of myself early on. You are not alone and like others have said, listen to the more experienced folks on the forum!!!

My assumption is like me a few years ago, you will likely not listen to them because it is just in our nature to think our situations are "slightly different" or "I'm strong enough" or worse you believe that you have listened and are doing everything right.

I'm certainly not implying that you aren't strong enough please believe that but like you when I met my sufferer, I was independent and strong and really really in a good place.

I believed I was strong enough, educated myself, formed a support network and followed advice of veteran caregivers... BUT... And it's a big but....

I found after 4 years when I look back on the roller coaster, I only followed the "rules" in times of crisis. Don't get me wrong it's vital to know how to handle the crisis times but more importantly it's the good days.

It's the days that you convince yourself that your just in a normal relationship With a wonderful man and you behave, comminicate, and get typical woman crazy like we all do. THOSE are the days that lead to crisis and chaos.

I'm not saying we are to blame because WE ARE NOT but if your going to commit to someone who has PTSD, then you must commit every single day.

4 years ago I would have said and did say to my friends and family that I'm 100% committed to him and I've done my research so I'm prepared! I was definitely NOT prepared. I don't know if anyone can prepare for this type of relationship.

I started out a strong, independent and happy woman in this relationship and today I am a mother of a 3 year old little girl who's father (whom I suspected was an alcoholic very early on) is an alcoholic, went MIA about a month ago from the home we purchased, the daughter we were raising and there is no telling when or IF he will ever return to the life we built.

I don't regret any of the decisions I made because what's the point in that but I do often look back at the beginning of us and think Jesus Christ, how did I end up here!!!!

Just wanted to throw in the 2 cents of someone who is somewhere middle of the road on the journey and already EXHAUSTED!

 

[Dawn W]

Ugh... That makes me want to cry. I think I'm crazy for starting this. If the good times weren't so amazing I'd have bailed months ago.

 

[Livy's Mom]

If the good times weren't so amazing I'd have bailed months ago.

This is the same for all of us. Then months ago turns into years ago lol...

Just remember that you must love and put yourself first. If you can truly do that, you will be ok.

I have a battle buddy I met here on the forum years ago and she's a blessing. After some time you may find your family and friends think your absolutely nuts to stick around. Being on the forum and talking to people who have the same struggle makes a world of difference.

Sending you all warm wishes and love

 

[Dawn W]

This is the same for all of us. Then months ago turns into years ago lol...

Just remember that you...

Having my own issues with PTSD is making this worse. I have anxiety and this feeds in to it. I'm a very strong empath and when he retreats it's my trigger as well.
I wish I could attend his counseling sessions with him sometimes. Then I think I need to find a therapist of my own too.

I'm just focusing on the fact he's still texting me daily and giving little bits. At least I know I'm on his mind.

I try to go running. Release the endorphins to counteract the anxiety. I know I need to work on me. It's just so hard...

Thank you so much for the words of support.