Relationship Dating combat vet who ghosted

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I really don’t expect anyone to understand. I realize that it sounds ridiculous after two weeks, but it was very intense...and that intensity was started by him

Yes, and this can be common amongst sufferers. I was Miss Crazy-Crazy-Intense in most of my relationships (other than my current one).

There are MANY other supporters who come here in the same predicament, having a short whirlwind relationship and then wondering what happened when the sufferer disappears. I know every guy thought I was something special, and what we had was so different, but to me it wasn’t because I’d been having relationships like that since I was 13.

In my current relationship it’s so much different, no crazy intensity, just the building of a deeper love. I’ll take the deeper love any day, because the intensity always (ALWAYS!) burns out fast.

You only knew him for two weeks so that’s really not enough time to determine if you really like someone or if you’re really compatible.

I’d just let it go for now.
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
I so appreciate that you are sharing what it is like for you when you isolate. It really helps me to understand how his brain may be working. I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but does it usually last days, weeks, months? I can’t stop worrying about him.

I just went through my longest isolation period. A whopping TWO DAYS! Although, it’s not a genuine PTSD isolation because I was sick and weak and slept most of the time. And, I’m not much of an isolator.

Isolation periods vary for everyone. If he’s a isolator, then he may need a lot of time alone, more like weeks+.
 

Freida

Sponsor
I’m sure it’s different for everyone, but does it usually last days, weeks, months? I can’t stop worrying about him.
It lasts until its over. There is no "when." Sometimes I isolate at home, sometimes I run away. Sometimes its a few hours, sometimes its a few weeks. It ends when it ends.

I think part of what you are misunderstanding is the idea that I have any control. It just -- happens. I know there are things that make it worse or more apt to happen, but a lot of times it just hits me. It's what makes a relationship so hard.

And I'm going to guess the only two weeks thing is really working against you. Intense relationship is great - until I think WTF am I doing and run. Intense is not a ptsd friendly term.

My suggestions? Leave him alone and go on with your life. If he wants to come back he can catch up with you. Maybe you will be there, maybe you wont. Or, except that you may be in this holding pattern for a unknown length of time with no answers. Its a tough choice - but ....
 

at a loss

New Here
It lasts until its over. There is no "when." Sometimes I isolate at home, sometimes I run away. Sometimes its a few hours, sometimes its a few weeks. It ends when it ends.

I think part of what you are misunderstanding is the idea that I have any control. It just -- happens. I know there are things that make it worse or more apt to happen, but a lot of times it just hits me. It's what makes a relationship so hard.

And I'm going to guess the only two weeks thing is really working against you. Intense relationship is great - until I think WTF am I doing and run. Intense is not a ptsd friendly term.

My suggestions? Leave him alone and go on with your life. If he wants to come back he can catch up with you. Maybe you will be there, maybe you wont. Or, except that you may be in this holding pattern for a unknown length of time with no answers. Its a tough choice - but ....

Thank you for your advice. I will step back and wait to hear from him.
 
@leehalf i didnt mean i RAGE at him, i meant I'm getting out what is raging inside me. I don't yell at all, but I do get emotional. I don't have an anger problem.

There was some subtlety in how I expressed myself here and it seems to have come across wrong or been lost in translation. Believe me, if I had ever raged at him? I would never hear from him again.

In fact, even if I am angry or hurt or frustrated, I am usually telling him how I feel and not placing blame. I say I feel hurt or angry or confused...things like that.

And i do know this isn't the best thing to do either in these moments, which is why I said I am working on it. However, I am human and I have emotions and they will come out.

Please don't berate me when I said multiple times this is something i am working on and something I want to do better with.

I know this is an older post, but for others just coming on board and reading through, just know that there are others that are going through this same learning process too as we have our little aha moments that, hey, this isn't just garden variety douchbaggery. It sure as hell stinks of it, until you get seasoned in the whole PTS reaction cycle.

Whether it eventually works out with our sufferers or not, I have to believe it's a valuable learning experience for supporters, this learning to slow down and process our own emotions and exercise our communication skills with those whose behavior can be utterly crazy-making!
 
This is definitely an area where everyone needs to be careful and evaluate their relationship for themselves. Yes, sometimes it is strictly the push-pull dynamic of PTSD....but sometimes it is more then that. The 'intensity' of a brand new relationship like she describes is also found in relationships with people with PDs (i.e. people with narcissistic personality disorder - which is known for gaslighting or 'crazy-making' behaviour). When the 2 are combined it is so incredibly difficult to see the PD because we excuse the 'disappearing' (all of the unacceptable behaviour) because they suffer from PTSD. There is a line there and the sufferers (and supporters) on this website helped me to see that.
And, yes, it really can last for days, weeks and months. The feelings can change by the minute...I love you....I feel nothing for you (anhedonia sucks). There can be a final discard as well.

Either way, I agree with Wintercricket. This forum and the things that are shared are life affirming (and for some life saving). I come back almost daily to help me rebalance and remind myself of what may relationship was actually like....not what it was during the 'honeymoon' phase...or what I thought it could be.
 

WTF Happened

Confident
Agree with @SweetPainfulLoving and @WinterCricket. I've gone through painful breakups before, but nothing that has left such a mark and created long-lasting issues related to trust and intimacy. If it weren't for this forum and my therapist validating the experience I went through, I'd definitely think I was crazy or unlovable or who knows what else.

And if we're giving love to this site, then a particular shout-out must be given to the sufferers who share their experiences. It is at once amazingly helpful, and also sad - because the people who brought us to this forum don't have the same handle on their challenges. Simply by being on this site in the first place as a sufferer, you've already come a long way in your healing. Just being cognizant of the fact that there is something to be healed is more self-awareness than most of us could hope for from our sufferers/ex-sufferers. So, thank you!
 

DDB

Not Active
Great question!
Hi Brook,
Just wondering if you’re still on this site if it ever worked out with your guy?
Not sure if you’ve seen my thread but story is very similar...quite intense relationship where he was very keen constant messages real connection etc
Cut me off last year then months late apologises and it was all back on...now know he def has ptsd but never talked with me about it.
We got closer he met my family I met friends then bam disappeared again for over a month?
Still heartbroken and sent a few messages mostly supportive but had to express my own pain too.
Unless he seeks help I can see it’s not going to happen just wondered if it can ever work out as a ltr if they do seek help.
Don’t know how to move on as the guy I fell for is not this guy ignoring me and he’s given me no closure...blocked on WhatsApp but not unfriended on Facebook ?
 
B

Beenthere1230

He sounds like a gentleman I dated. We were friends for years and he asked me out out of the blue. It was very intense six months as you described and one day he just disappeared. Wouldn’t reply, blocked me, etc.
we got in touch three months later and he was very withdrawn. But we built a friendship back up. flashforward a year later, we tried again. I asked him what happened and he said he didn’t know how to explain it but it was ptsd. I later found there had Been other women and he pulled the same on them.
This was well over five years ago...He has since been engaged a few times and falls into old ways. It was the most painful experience I ever had. To the point that I wound up cutting him of to heal and when he pops up in town to get his kids I’m still ina state of emotion.
Trust me, it leaves a deep wound. And even darker scar.
 
He sounds like a gentleman I dated. We were friends for years and he asked me out out of the blue. It was very intense six months as you described and one day he just disappeared. Wouldn’t reply, blocked me, etc.
we got in touch three months later and he was very withdrawn. But we built a friendship back up. flashforward a year later, we tried again. I asked him what happened and he said he didn’t know how to explain it but it was ptsd. I later found there had Been other women and he pulled the same on them.
This was well over five years ago...He has since been engaged a few times and falls into old ways. It was the most painful experience I ever had. To the point that I wound up cutting him of to heal and when he pops up in town to get his kids I’m still ina state of emotion.
Trust me, it leaves a deep wound. And even darker scar.


I'm so sorry @Beenthere1230...

I have one of these too, a boomeranger. I once read douchebags get ptsd too and I'm more and more wondering if this is the simple truth in my case. A terribly damaged combat vet who also happens to be just a terribly selfish man. I didn't know him prior so the frame of reference is off for me.

In my case, he even calls himself Dracula, mostly because he rarely sleeps, but ironically his behavior is bloodsucking and totally selfish. I'd stop short of calling him a narcissist but it sure appears that way.

Bottom line, he arrives, is great for a while then suddenly disappears days, weeks, months. I work to let go with grace and heal and then poof, right on schedule the vampire arrives again in a late night drunk suicidal fugue. I am expected to stay up on work nights and counsel him, but when I call him out on this albeit gently, he is anything but receptive. There were apologies early on, but less so now.

He will not keep up with counseling, is a high functioning workaholic and is guarded even with family. Put away in the scary fact file that he's now an airline pilot with United. There is nothing right about any of this for a partner. I see no progress, very little humanity left.

I have no idea if he's seeing other people during the checked out times but I have zero trust left in him. I can recall those rare moments when he'd hold my hand and say wow, look at that sunset, or thank you for being there for me or I appreciate you....I do believe it's buried in there somewhere underneath the killer whose mind is fragmented from too many kills, friends dead, bloodshed, regret, guilt, mourning.

It's my feeling that the part of his brain that can accept and engage love fully is shredded like the Iraqis he turned into "pink mist", and without introspection and commitment to recover, I see no hope, just a vampire..... It gets too good with us and he flees, when the stress cup calms down back he comes regretting the decision to push me away. And the merry goes round for nearly four years.

It's clear he's absolutely clueless as to how much he's hurt me, his emotional barometer is broken. If it's not a Marine bleeding from a stump from an IED, it's not pain - unless it's his. Selfish disease indeed. I don't hate him but I wish I could. I would be easier if I hadn't spent so much time understanding by researching on this site and others.

I'm trying to decide whether to simply block him. He doesn't feel my love 99% of the time anyway. I'm sick of check outs, no apology, no explanation but being expected to drop my sanity to support him as counselor, until he feels better. A vampire is a vampire until they choose daylight and I'm bled dry.
 

Sighs

Sponsor
I just want to second the fact that arseholes get ptsd too. I made so many excuses for my ex but finally realised he is an abuser who happens also to have ptsd. Many people on this site tried to tell me that when I was still attributing his abuse to ptsd.
 
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