I just want to second the fact that arseholes get ptsd too. I made so many excuses for my ex but finally realised he is an abuser who happens also to have ptsd. Many people on this site tried to tell me that when I was still attributing his abuse to ptsd.
How did you know? This guy resurfaced after 2.5 months, just landed his dream job and is all excited blah blah blah. He's calling my pet name, Miss, I asked politely why he's picked up like nothing happened with no apology and it sent him back into silence. He has always been crazy weird about talking on the phone, a million excuses why. He refuses my phone calls and will not communicate. Why do they bother to reach out? I have bene supportive for 4 years ups and downs, but he gives nothing back. I'm just expected to be there for every up and down with nothing.
Hi Cassandra and whoever needs to hear it...My inbox for this post pinged just now with your note and I definitely know how you feel. I noticed my last post was Nov 8 last year. That was just a week before an acquaintance from work who was overseas began reaching out to chat. I gave it a chance not thinking anything more than it was a pleasant friendship and a distraction. Before long, it was clear this guy was able to fully engage, was curious, responsive, communicative and all the other things I was starving for. It put me on notice. I wondered if I was being unfaithful to my PTSD guy and was a little confused at first. Before long, I realized, kaboom, the universe was whacking me over the head, THIS is what it's supposed to feel like!
It was wonderful to have someone healthy to meet me in the middle, to laugh with, talk about everything with and to actually begin to build something with. I was hesitant but kept on through the holidays, with no word from PTSD man, and I began to let.it.go. I still wished my former best wishes and sent a small gift for the holiday with no reply.
In the new year, the new guy returned to the states and it was as though we'd been dating for much longer, very natural, very connected, very simpatico, very easy getting to know him without the guilt, stumbling, uncertainty, and agonizing whiplash. A week after he returned, PTSD guy reached out in the middle the night, drunk per usual, just "Sorry no disrespect meant, sorry." I pulled up my bootstraps and told him by text I was sorry too. As things have progressed with my new man, I heard from the other one months later in May, the same drunk message and timing. This time, I was silent and that was not easy to do.
My advice, if I can give it is this: Most of us really don't know whether these people are toxic with PTSD or truly genuine souls who've taken one too many mental blows, often literally too with TBI. As hard as it was for me, maybe in a small way still is to accept it, it's not about us at all and we can't save them without work on their part. As many others have advised, at some time, a tipping point has to happen and you choose life, your own life. No guilt, no questions, no more persuading and talking your head off, waiting, wondering, sucking through a snorkel, you just go, quietly if you can.
It feels in some ways like a death to me, wondering what might have been with us, I still think about him from time to time. But he chose not to take getting help seriously, he simply wouldn't do it, and so this is where we are, I am. You can't wait indefinitely and waste your life. If they seek/accept help, that's a different situation altogether.
For me, I forgive him for all I went through for almost 4 years. That was my choice. It's not for me now to torture him for not being what I want or need. He cannot and will not for his own reasons allow himself to feel better and I choose to do no harm. He suffers enough for both of us living as a ghost, or a zombie or vampire, however you can frame feeling half alive. I am a different person because of him, a few scars, but many lessons learned, more compassionate for certain.
My new guy and I are taking it slow, he has his own little dents, and I'm left with a few of mine, but I am so pleased with all he offers, the light he's turned back on for me, the support, strength, open heart, effort, hope, even a possible life together, who knows.
You will know too if or when it's time. Spread your wings through this and breathe. It's a different experience for us all and I wish everyone a safe journey through, but never ever lose yourself in it.... You are not alone!
My boyfriend with PTSD disappeared. We were about to go on vacation, he could not wait. his parents knew about us. We had gotten very close, no drama, a lot of talk. He even told me not mess this up! And then one day he did the slow fade for two days and disappeared. He left his stuff here, expensive things he had bought for us. It’s been three months.. nothing.. :(