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Relationship Dating combat vet who ghosted

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I just want to second the fact that arseholes get ptsd too. I made so many excuses for my ex but finally realised he is an abuser who happens also to have ptsd. Many people on this site tried to tell me that when I was still attributing his abuse to ptsd.

How did you know? This guy resurfaced after 2.5 months, just landed his dream job and is all excited blah blah blah. He's calling my pet name, Miss, I asked politely why he's picked up like nothing happened with no apology and it sent him back into silence. He has always been crazy weird about talking on the phone, a million excuses why. He refuses my phone calls and will not communicate. Why do they bother to reach out? I have bene supportive for 4 years ups and downs, but he gives nothing back. I'm just expected to be there for every up and down with nothing.
 
The Same exact thing for me also.. Ive dealt with this behavior for 1 1/2 years now.. and he will go a couple months or so no contact.. and gone without warning

Hi Cassandra and whoever needs to hear it...My inbox for this post pinged just now with your note and I definitely know how you feel. I noticed my last post was Nov 8 last year. That was just a week before an acquaintance from work who was overseas began reaching out to chat. I gave it a chance not thinking anything more than it was a pleasant friendship and a distraction. Before long, it was clear this guy was able to fully engage, was curious, responsive, communicative and all the other things I was starving for. It put me on notice. I wondered if I was being unfaithful to my PTSD guy and was a little confused at first. Before long, I realized, kaboom, the universe was whacking me over the head, THIS is what it's supposed to feel like!

It was wonderful to have someone healthy to meet me in the middle, to laugh with, talk about everything with and to actually begin to build something with. I was hesitant but kept on through the holidays, with no word from PTSD man, and I began to let.it.go. I still wished my former best wishes and sent a small gift for the holiday with no reply.

In the new year, the new guy returned to the states and it was as though we'd been dating for much longer, very natural, very connected, very simpatico, very easy getting to know him without the guilt, stumbling, uncertainty, and agonizing whiplash. A week after he returned, PTSD guy reached out in the middle the night, drunk per usual, just "Sorry no disrespect meant, sorry." I pulled up my bootstraps and told him by text I was sorry too. As things have progressed with my new man, I heard from the other one months later in May, the same drunk message and timing. This time, I was silent and that was not easy to do.

My advice, if I can give it is this: Most of us really don't know whether these people are toxic with PTSD or truly genuine souls who've taken one too many mental blows, often literally too with TBI. As hard as it was for me, maybe in a small way still is to accept it, it's not about us at all and we can't save them without work on their part. As many others have advised, at some time, a tipping point has to happen and you choose life, your own life. No guilt, no questions, no more persuading and talking your head off, waiting, wondering, sucking through a snorkel, you just go, quietly if you can.

It feels in some ways like a death to me, wondering what might have been with us, I still think about him from time to time. But he chose not to take getting help seriously, he simply wouldn't do it, and so this is where we are, I am. You can't wait indefinitely and waste your life. If they seek/accept help, that's a different situation altogether.

For me, I forgive him for all I went through for almost 4 years. That was my choice. It's not for me now to torture him for not being what I want or need. He cannot and will not for his own reasons allow himself to feel better and I choose to do no harm. He suffers enough for both of us living as a ghost, or a zombie or vampire, however you can frame feeling half alive. I am a different person because of him, a few scars, but many lessons learned, more compassionate for certain.

My new guy and I are taking it slow, he has his own little dents, and I'm left with a few of mine, but I am so pleased with all he offers, the light he's turned back on for me, the support, strength, open heart, effort, hope, even a possible life together, who knows.

You will know too if or when it's time. Spread your wings through this and breathe. It's a different experience for us all and I wish everyone a safe journey through, but never ever lose yourself in it.... You are not alone!
 
My boyfriend with PTSD disappeared. We were about to go on vacation, he could not wait. his parents knew about us. We had gotten very close, no drama, a lot of talk. He even told me not mess this up! And then one day he did the slow fade for two days and disappeared. He left his stuff here, expensive things he had bought for us. It’s been three months.. nothing.. :(
 
I’m so sorry, I do understand. You are not alone! Breathe, feel what you need to but temper it with a huge dose of compassion.
 
I dated a combat vet for 2 months. He admitted to having struggled with PTSD in the past, but said things were ok for him now. He's long past his combat days. Like so many here have described, our relationship was passionate and we became very close. He seemed emotionally mature and comfortable communicating about what was happening between us, talking about us having a future. We communicated every day. Then one day, he just cut off all contact, blocking me from his phone and social media with no word and no warning. No fading. Just gone. It's been weeks and I haven't heard anything from him.

If he just changed his mind and just wasn't into me, I can't understand why he wouldn't have said something - even by text. It seems so extreme. We're mature adults, not kids. We always treated each other with caring and respect.

There were some behaviors present that could be related to PTSD but not necessarily (liking solitude, keeping a zone of privacy, having a quiet intensity) but no anger or anything that set off red flags for me. Has anyone else experienced this? What would be going on in his head to cause him to do this. Is this PTSD?
Your story is my story 100%. Nothing to add nothing to take off. The only difference is that we had been together for 3 months . Now I haven t heard from him for 5 months.
 
Same here. Didn't come see me when I visited and didn't even so much as text on my birthday last week. Saw that he was out with other friends though. Just weird.
 
I love your comments WTF, and agree wholeheartedly.

We were intense and deep in a tender and positive way. No drama at all. He seemed to want that and had intense feelings himself. But yeah, my theory is that the emotional intensity between us triggered something in him. I understand the stress cup and that they need to get away. But how often do they open communications again? Anyone experienced that? WTF, I know you said your girlfriend has not, at least as of now, but you said you got some answers. How did it come about that you connected with her after she ghosted you?

Honestly, I don't know if I'm up to dealing with the back and forth, if this is what it would be like. I didn't know him long, so it's a different situation than those who are married or have a long history, so are more invested to stick it out. But I wonder what I would do if he contacted me again. I still have feelings for him, so I honestly don't know. I haven't blocked him from communicating with me, because I think I would want to understand what happened if he ever reached out to me again. Obviously, he's not open to receiving any communication from me so I've just let it be.
It happened to me in 2018. I sent messages for two year’s. He would read but never respond. He never blocked me. This past week I got a message in the middle of the night apologizing. 3 years later. I accepted the apology and stated that I understood. He thanked me. I left it at that.
 
It happened to me in 2018. I sent messages for two year’s. He would read but never respond. He never blocked me. This past week I got a message in the middle of the night apologizing. 3 years later. I accepted the apology and stated that I understood. He thanked me. I left it at that.
It's happening to me at the moment too. It's been 2.5 months now. Not blocked. Reads the messages I send but no replies. It's hard to be on the receiving end of ghosting but sadly it is what it is. I refuse to be bitter about it. I wish him nothing but love and hope. If my occasional messages give him that, then it's worth sending them. I want to get through this ending with integrity and kindness.
 
It's happening to me at the moment too. It's been 2.5 months now. Not blocked. Reads the messages I send but no replies. It's hard to be on the receiving end of ghosting but sadly it is what it is. I refuse to be bitter about it. I wish him nothing but love and hope. If my occasional messages give him that, then it's worth sending them. I want to get through this ending with integrity and kindness.
Wow. This is a blast from the past.

This is so reminiscent of my philosophy and experience. This is exactly how I behaved when my sufferer ghosted me. The first time. The second time. The third time. The fourth time. The fifth time. The sixth time. It might have even been more than that....I lost track, Each time I refused to stop loving him, or trying to communicate with him, or giving up on him, I never lost hope. Every time he reached back out to me, after however long a period of ghosting, and I was kind and warm and open and living and I allowed him back into my life, Allowed him to reconnect. Allowed him to restart a relationship with me - only to have the exact same thing happened over amd over again. Every time he ghosted me it was for a longer period of time. Every time we reconnected as a couple it was for shorter and shorter. In the beginning we were together for one year before he decided to break up with me and ghosted me for the first time. That lasted 24 hours before he came back begging for my forgiveness, telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. I was his soulmate. It was the PTSD that was at fault. Every time this happened I was devastated. By the final discard/breakup we had been apart for 6 months before he came back to beg me yet again, this time it only lasted for 2 weeks. All of this happened over a 4 year period.

Yes, wish them well.
Yes, do not be bitter.
But. Please.....
Also focus some of your empathy and compassion on yourself. Put your own mental health and well-being first. Staying open to communicating with people who you have previously loved so deeply and intensely, who are not capable of having a healthy, balanced, adult relationship can stop you from growing as an individual and moving on. Ghosting in a relationship is a form of emotional abuse. In my case I needed to go no contact, detach and remove myself completely in order to break this cycle.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

it has saved me.
 
Wow. This is a blast from the past.

This is so reminiscent of my philosophy and experience. This is exactly how I behaved when my sufferer ghosted me. The first time. The second time. The third time. The fourth time. The fifth time. The sixth time. It might have even been more than that....I lost track, Each time I refused to stop loving him, or trying to communicate with him, or giving up on him, I never lost hope. Every time he reached back out to me, after however long a period of ghosting, and I was kind and warm and open and living and I allowed him back into my life, Allowed him to reconnect. Allowed him to restart a relationship with me - only to have the exact same thing happened over amd over again. Every time he ghosted me it was for a longer period of time. Every time we reconnected as a couple it was for shorter and shorter. In the beginning we were together for one year before he decided to break up with me and ghosted me for the first time. That lasted 24 hours before he came back begging for my forgiveness, telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me. I was his soulmate. It was the PTSD that was at fault. Every time this happened I was devastated. By the final discard/breakup we had been apart for 6 months before he came back to beg me yet again, this time it only lasted for 2 weeks. All of this happened over a 4 year period.

Yes, wish them well.
Yes, do not be bitter.
But. Please.....
Also focus some of your empathy and compassion on yourself. Put your own mental health and well-being first. Staying open to communicating with people who you have previously loved so deeply and intensely, who are not capable of having a healthy, balanced, adult relationship can stop you from growing as an individual and moving on. Ghosting in a relationship is a form of emotional abuse. In my case I needed to go no contact, detach and remove myself completely in order to break this cycle.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

it has saved me.
Every time I post something about ENDING this relationship with integrity and kindness, it's taken that I'm hanging in there or being a doormat. I must somehow be miscommunicating! I know we're done. Yes, ghosting is a form of emotional abuse and i'm not prepared to spend my life like this. I definitely deserve better. But I also know that the dynamic in every relationship is different. In our case, he's a frontline paramedic who's obviously greatly stressed and distressed by the pandemic. No, I'm not hanging in there, waiting for him to return. I wouldn't trust him now if he did. I want more than he can give. But I also don't want to stop offering kindness to him at this horribly grim time. It's a small thing to do when I know he's really suffering.

But you're 100% right about growing and moving on. I'm well on the way now. It is very hard, you're right there too, but you can't love someone who is unable to love either themself or you.

I hope you're ok now and found your way forward. I hope to be there soon myself.
 
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