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Relationship Dating combat vet who ghosted

#61
@leehalf i didnt mean i RAGE at him, i meant I'm getting out what is raging inside me. I don't yell at all, but I do get emotional. I don't have an anger problem.

There was some subtlety in how I expressed myself here and it seems to have come across wrong or been lost in translation. Believe me, if I had ever raged at him? I would never hear from him again.

In fact, even if I am angry or hurt or frustrated, I am usually telling him how I feel and not placing blame. I say I feel hurt or angry or confused...things like that.

And i do know this isn't the best thing to do either in these moments, which is why I said I am working on it. However, I am human and I have emotions and they will come out.

Please don't berate me when I said multiple times this is something i am working on and something I want to do better with.
 
A

Anonymous ARMY EX

#62
Just be glad it was 2 months...not 2 years.
Go on with your life because, let me tell you, it's a pattern. It happened to me and it totally sucks because you try to be understanding and patient, but you can't understand. Don't get down on yourself because it's not about you. Honestly, with PTSD, it's not about them either. The most important thing is to understand that only THEY can fix their problems and until they want that, they'll ghost again, and one day, it'll be for good.
 
#64
Short version -- AR is the time of year when you re-experience the event. And by re-experience I mean relive it. It's like a flashback but not quite. In a flashback you lose track of where you are. In an AR you remember the feelings -- even if you don't remember the exactness. Think of it like PTSD on steroids
Never heard it named AR before but yep. The entire month of December is it for me. I am still trying to come back from that and have another coming in March and April. A very hard time for me. And yes, just as you describe, I "ghost". No warning, nothing. Safe is all that matters. And not loosing my job while I loose my shit and this year I ghosted off of this site as it also felt very unsafe to me. So, yeah, can very much relate and have ARs as well. Just didn't realize it had a name.
 

B.J.

Policy Enforcement
#68
I dated a combat vet for 2 months. He admitted to having struggled with PTSD in the past, but said thi...
I’ve recently experienced this same behavior. He broke up with me initially in August. Then he confirmed it in September, again in October and ghosted in November. I haven’t spoken with him since then. We were good friends before we started to date and therefore this is quite different for me. He currently ignores texts, calls and emails.
He’s a very nice man who’s considerate and loving to a fault. I’m at my wits end and I’m not sure what to do anymore. As I’m writing, I’m also mending a broken heart that I didn’t expect to happen.
 
#69
sadgirl -
I am in your shoes too. It sounds ridiculous to say, but it only lasted two weeks. It was someone I knew from high school, we reconnected on FB. Everything was started by him...and he was so intense. He told me he loved me, that he knew we had to give this a chance. Would send me songs, video chat with me, opened up about his time in Iraq and things he had to do that he cant forgive himself for. He also just had memories come back of sexual abuse as a boy. He still sees that person, although I don't know who it is. I just let him talk. We finally got together after two weeks and met at a hotel halfway between where we both lived. The first night was great, he told me he loved me. He held me, told me I was only his...no one elses..and so on. The next day he was still sweet, but not the same and not "all over me", yet still responsive to affection. He did sleep almost all day though and said he couldn't believe how comfortable he was with me that he could sleep like that. I was happy he was. We cuddled that night, I had to leave first. He hugged me and kissed me good-bye and that was pretty much it. Never called on his way home. Didn't reply to my "I love you" text, although when I texted and asked if we were ok he replied "yea, we're good.". In the few days since then he has replied to texts, in fact on Tuesday we texted for a couple hours. When I told him I was sorry I wasn't what he expected, he told me I was, that it is his issues in his head and that is it. I've been thinking it is my weight - even though I told him I needed to lose weight. He is VERY into his body image. I wondered if I bored him. If I wasn't pretty enough. I'm lost. How can he go from telling me I'm only his one moment to 36 hours later acting like we are acquaintances?

Did you ever hear back from him? Anyone else have thoughts? After no contact from either of us yesterday, today I just sent him a text "giving you your space, just want to remind you that I care." He replied, "That's nice. ty".
I don't know if I should just never contact him again unless he does. I am hurt, and feel angry, lost, confused, heartbroken...and yet still so worried about him. He drinks A LOT, and I know he is struggling so much right now.

Guidance, anyone?
 
#70
sadgirl -
I am in your shoes too. It sounds ridiculous to say, but it only lasted two weeks. It was someone I knew from high school, we reconnected on FB. Everything was started by him...and he was so intense. He told me he loved me, that he knew we had to give this a chance. Would send me songs, video chat with me, opened up about his time in Iraq and things he had to do that he cant forgive himself for. He also just had memories come back of sexual abuse as a boy. He still sees that person, although I don't know who it is. I just let him talk. We finally got together after two weeks and met at a hotel halfway between where we both lived. The first night was great, he told me he loved me. He held me, told me I was only his...no one elses..and so on. The next day he was still sweet, but not the same and not "all over me", yet still responsive to affection. He did sleep almost all day though and said he couldn't believe how comfortable he was with me that he could sleep like that. I was happy he was. We cuddled that night, I had to leave first. He hugged me and kissed me good-bye and that was pretty much it. Never called on his way home. Didn't reply to my "I love you" text, although when I texted and asked if we were ok he replied "yea, we're good.". In the few days since then he has replied to texts, in fact on Tuesday we texted for a couple hours. When I told him I was sorry I wasn't what he expected, he told me I was, that it is his issues in his head and that is it. I've been thinking it is my weight - even though I told him I needed to lose weight. He is VERY into his body image. I wondered if I bored him. If I wasn't pretty enough. I'm lost. How can he go from telling me I'm only his one moment to 36 hours later acting like we are acquaintances?

Did you ever hear back from him? Anyone else have thoughts? After no contact from either of us yesterday, today I just sent him a text "giving you your space, just want to remind you that I care." He replied, "That's nice. ty".
I don't know if I should just never contact him again unless he does. I am hurt, and feel angry, lost, confused, heartbroken...and yet still so worried about him. He drinks A LOT, and I know he is struggling so much right now.

Guidance, anyone?
It might not have anything to do with PTSD. He might just not be as interested in you as he was before. It happens a lot when people get hot and heavy online/via text and then meet each other later. Its the real world setting in.
 
Thread starter #71
Hi @at a loss,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

You didn't say he has PTSD, so he may not, although he's been through some difficult experiences that affected him. It sounds like he's pulling back after opening up to you and sharing a lot of personal detail and emotion. Many men do this (and some women too). The intense desire for connection he revealed probably made him feel especially vulnerable.

My advice to you:

He hasn't blocked you, so just let it be.

If you feel in your heart that the connection you have is real, trust that. Stop asking him for reassurance. That puts pressure on him and pushes him further away. He can't give you reassurance when he's feeling vulnerable and self-protective.

Be steady. Focus on yourself and live your own life. Be the kind of person he'd trust and feel safe getting involved with, provided that he's capable of sustaining that kind of connection. You can't know if he's capable - that's up to him. The only thing you can control is yourself and how you carry yourself in your own life.

It's understandable that you feel hurt, angry, confused, all those things. You texted him after one day, and he replied politely. I'd give him a few days to a week to see if he contacts you.
 
#72
Hi @at a loss,

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

You didn't say he has PTSD, so he may not, although he's been through some difficult experiences that affected him. It sounds like he's pulling back after opening up to you and sharing a lot of personal detail and emotion. Many men do this (and some women too). The intense desire for connection he revealed probably made him feel especially vulnerable.

My advice to you:

He hasn't blocked you, so just let it be.

If you feel in your heart that the connection you have is real, trust that. Stop asking him for reassurance. That puts pressure on him and pushes him further away. He can't give you reassurance when he's feeling vulnerable and self-protective.

Be steady. Focus on yourself and live your own life. Be the kind of person he'd trust and feel safe getting involved with, provided that he's capable of sustaining that kind of connection. You can't know if he's capable - that's up to him. The only thing you can control is yourself and how you carry yourself in your own life.

It's understandable that you feel hurt, angry, confused, all those things. You texted him after one day, and he replied politely. I'd give him a few days to a week to see if he contacts you.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. Your advice about asking for reassurance makes a lot of sense. I also have PTSD and have an overwhelming fear of loss. He knows that, but I don’t want to put more pressure on him whatsoever. He has been through hell. I just want to be his safe place. He would actually text me to call if I could bc he really needed me...then he would open up about so much. He was trying to tell me how bad he is bc of what he had to do at war. I would listen and tell him that’s not how I saw it. He was doing what he had to do, protecting our country, but mostly I just listened and told him I was there for him. He says he is very private and doesn’t let people in, but he did me.

I can’t believe I left out the details. He does have PTSD as well as TBI. He rarely sleeps bc of the night terrors, takes a lot of medication, and when we started talking he was very open about what a mess his brain is. His medication affects him sexually too, which is an issue for him - and his ego. He was openly nervous about that before we were together, and I know that issue really bothered him. Even the last night though, he held me all through the night. Got up that morning and came back to bed, put his head on my chest, and said, “That’s better”...and he wrapped his arms around me.
I did message him last night, “I’m here if you need me”
He replied immediately, “I know, thank you so much”
I just don’t want to be an annoyance if he actually realized he doesn’t feel that way about me. If it only his issues, like he says...I am willing to be there in whatever capacity he needs me...if he ever does again. I also don’t understand why if it’s his issues and not me, the I love yous and terms of endearment are gone. Does that make any sense?
 
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