Dating me is like standing in front of a freight train..

[Trapped_Lost]

My boyfriend today told me that dating me is like standing in front of a freight train wondering which part of you is going to get hit next. Which part of him am I or people from my past going to rip off crew up and spit out next. Dating me is hard, I’ve done my fair share of bad things, and sleeping around. Sex for me is the only way that I can feel any kind of love. Unless my three year old hugs me or tells me he loves me or smiles, he’s literally one of the only things that brings me joy. My boyfriend is the other person. He gets me for the most part, and he doesn’t try to change me even though he wants to I can tell. I can tell he hates me for my constant changes of moods, for my past, and the way it affected me. Why shouldn’t he? I treat people like crap, but idk how else to be. I’m kind of a bitch, but if I’m not people walk all over me or I tend to date guys that beat me up (but not him). He doesn’t get anxiety even though he has it himself, it doesn’t cripple him, he hates that everyday adult things are hard for me to do. He doesn’t get why when you have a panic attack you can’t just stop in the middle of it and get over it. He keeps telling me he’s tired of the ups and downs. Tired of the same old arguments, but we don’t argue anymore about said arguments. I’ve been working on myself trying to move past the things that happened to me, and we’ve been laughing like we used to and cuddling and he finally told me he loved me again . We go fishing literally everyday unless it’s raining bad. I just don’t get it. I’m trying. I’m trying to have a relationship and I’m trying to fix myself. I’m trying to keep the only constant that I’ve ever had in my entire life, and the only person who isn’t afraid to stomp on egg shells around me. He tells me what I need to hear even if it hurts no one else will be honest because my reactions aren’t good with bad things or too much change. I just don’t get why it’s SO hard to be in a relationship . Why.

Thanks for letting me rant and get it out...
If you read that first I am sorry for babbling , second thanks for hearing me out and being an ear. Third, if you have advice please share, or even your own need to rant . I’ll read it haha

 

[ladee]

You just described me in a relationship. Freight train does describe, me, and can also be used how I went about life. And I also do not let people run over me. Usually, the people I was around at the time, only understood loud and harsh, so it worked.

I think it is awesome you have the partner you have. People like us need to be told the truth. I don't have time or energy for BS. It's my responsibility to learn how to receive those things and calm down and listen. It will happen. And sometimes it's the person saying the 'truth'. If it is really to help me, I will listen. If it's simply something they don't like about me, in one ear and out the other.

Maybe suggest to your guy to do some reading and research about PTSD and the roller coaster it can be at times for us. It will help him to understand.

Relationships are hard for me simply because I don't know how. And some things required I just can't do without feeling I've sold my soul to the devil. Like taking care of a man's ego. I just can't do that. I don't even know how that works or why it's even required. I see it as a weakness on their part, and it's a good possibility that isn't even true.

I've been married three times. Divorced three times and after the last one, I said to hell with it. Too much work for something I don't understand, and it twists me in knots trying to figure it out.

I do appreciate everything you shared. It helped to see myself in a different light. that is something I can calm down and tweak without losing myself.

If you figure out how they work, please come back and share. I'm too old and been single too long to even entertain a relationship. I don't have the energy anymore. But I can apply some things to my everyday life.

Welcome! Lots of answers here and people to help us get thru the rough times, and celebrate when we have breakthrus and make progress.

I do understand your post. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Trapped_Lost]

Thank you so much I feel a little better knowing I’m not the only freight train :/ he has PTSD too but refuses to acknowledge it. Maybe he’ll come around to realize I’m not intentionally hurting him or do things to hurt him. I can’t even remember the things I say .
Maybe I’m just a younger version of you haha because I feel the same way about the men’s ego thing, and I don’t really expect it in return either. Like sure you can compliment me but I most likely won’t understand it. Relationships are confusing!

 

[ladee]

Yes, because we have to have a relationship with ourselves before we can understand relationships with others. And if you are a younger version of me, you will be diligent to learn how to 'be in the world' without leaving a swath of destruction in your wake!! :giggle:

I didn't like that part of me that was so full of hurt and fear that it splashed on others. I learned I could be assertive without leaving people looking like they had just been in a windstorm! It took time and a lot of work. Many surrenders and changes.

And had to always remind myself, not to take my stuff out on others. Like you, many times I didn't even remember what I had said or how I acted. I didn't like to be hurt, so I didn't really want to hurt others.

Do you have a therapist? Somewhere you can go and find out what is behind your 'train horn' as we are passing thru life? And of course, coming here helps.

Lots to read here and many people who understand and are supportive. Glad you are here. Hope you find it a safe place.

Glad to know I'm not the only one too!!! Welcoming hugs if you accept. IF not, put it on a shelf somewhere to look at, knowing there is another 'freight train' who understands, out there in cyber-land!!

 

[Trapped_Lost]

I welcome hugs! && no I don’t have a therapist right now but I’m supposed to call around on Monday to find one . There’s one in town my psychiatrist wants me to see. I’m trying to learn how to be assertive and think before I speak .. maybe I’ll figure it out soon!

 

[ladee]

Fantastic!!! You will do great with the goals you set. Being a 'freight train' has a LOT of advantages. It doesn't occur to us to not go for what we want, and we usually make good progress while reaching goals. Cheering for you and very nice to meet you here!! Gentle supportive hugs. :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Ehhh, not really.

Getting hit by a freight train is pretty much going to kill you. And anyone who lives to survive a hit by a train won’t ever be caught in front of one again. No, you’re not a freight train. You are struggling. As my therapist tells me, you don’t have a patent on hurting pain relationships. It happens to everyone. And each step of the way in a relationship, we are each evaluating what we can and cannot handle. Your boyfriend has decided on some level, at least for right now, that he can handle it. Again, nothing like being hit by a freight train.

 

[grit]

My advise to you is everything ladee said.

 

[Justmehere]

When I read your original post, my first thought is that you have given up an awful lot of your power and control in your life. A lot. I'm guessing that isn't what you intended to do.

Hear me out.

You described a lot of good things you are doing to work on you. That's great! You realize there are problems, you are doing the best you can, and things need to change. It takes HUGE courage to face that. But in everything you wrote, you did not write about a single strength you have (and they are there) or a single way you would describe you outside of how others define you. You have given up the power and control to define who you are, except in really negative terms or based on unreliable or out of your control sources like your son or your boyfriend.

Being a parent is a very important role, but to do right by your kid and yourself, you have to have a source of self-worth that isn't based on your son. Otherwise, pre-teenagerhood is going to be extra hard for you both. Three-year-olds are awesome. One day they will love someone, the next, they will hate adults because they couldn't have ice cream for breakfast. Being a loving partner is also an important role, but it's just a role.

Yes, because we have to have a relationship with ourselves before we can understand relationships with others.

Yeah. This. It doesn't need to happen in a vacuum, but it may take a lot of learning how to be in relationship with others. It is possible. Keep up the good steps forward to change.

 

[Trapped_Lost]

When I read your original post, my first thought is that you have given up an awful lot of your power and control in your life. A lot. I'm guessing that isn't what you intended to do.

Hear me out.

You described a lot of good things you are doing to work on you. That's great! You realize there are problems, you are doing the best you can, and things need to change. It takes HUGE courage to face that. But in everything you wrote, you did not write about a single strength you have (and they are there) or a single way you would describe you outside of how others define you. You have given up the power and control to define who you are, except in really negative terms or based on unreliable or out of your control sources like your son or your boyfriend.

Being a parent is a very important role, but to do right by your kid and yourself, you have to have a source of self-worth that isn't based on your son. Otherwise, pre-teenagerhood is going to be extra hard for you both. Three-year-olds are awesome. One day they will love someone, the next, they will hate adults because they couldn't have ice cream for breakfast. Being a loving partner is also an important role, but it's just a role.


Yeah. This. It doesn't need to happen in a vacuum, but it may take a lot of learning how to be in relationship with others. It is possible. Keep up the good steps forward to change.

You’re not wrong. I don’t really see myself in the greatest light. There’s a lot about me that I wish I could change and I know I have to learn how to love myself but it’s hard for me to do that. Eventually I think ill get there..