Daughter told me she cuts.

[Deleted member 41765]

^^^ One Thousand Likes (and one more for good measure)

 

[EveHarrington]

Maybe it's time to open up to your daughter about your struggles instead of hiding it all away.

Just a thought.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

A ton of good suggestions and validation. You did VERY well with your daughter. I fully support you 100%.

God help me! I have an insecure daughter starting high school too :banghead:.

Lots of hugs Tex.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@TexCat I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I think it shows a lot of maturity that she came and told you and you didn't just "catch her". I think it speaks volumes to your relationship that she felt safe coming to you. It is also a good sign that she is open to the accountability partner. However, I think cutting in any form/frequency is cause for concern. I think the seriousness should be reiterated and also speak about the addictive aspects of it. It can eventually become an obsession/get out of control and most people don't really realize this at first until it happens I don't think. Also, maybe let her know that if she is really stressed out and feels like doing it come to you and you will listen and help her through it. I think its also awesome that you said you got it- when I told my mom her initial reaction was not so calm/nice...

 

[Suzetig]

What a lovely relationship you have with her that age was able to talk to you about it, it sounds like you reacted really well - nice and measured but also concerned enough. Remember you're her mum, not her therapist - you don't need to know all the answers and her reasons and motivations will be different to yours.

Keep talking to her, not about big stuff, self harm etc but about day to day things - how school is going, how her friends are, music that she likes etc. Basically keep your relationship open. Let her know you're worried about her and are available to talk about her self harm but that she's in control of that. Let her know where there are first aid supplies - antiseptic, plasters etc and that you'll keep an eye on when they need restocked. Agree that she can ask you for help at any time - no judgement and no questions asked until you're both in a place where you can talk.

Arrange lots of low key activities that give you both space to talk while focussed on something else - driving somewhere, folding laundry, scrap booking - stuff that has you together but without pressure. Ask her what she thinks she needs - she may not want to be in therapy and may not need it. Give lots of reassurance of your love and care for her, think of ways you can nurture and care for her over the next wee while. You may choose to share your own story, or not, you'll know what's best there.

Most of all trust your instincts and don't panic - you're doing a great job, mum.

 

[Ivi]

I think you handled this very well. My mother made things a lot worse with her overreaction but you treated her like an adult and she opened up to you about why. This is a great first step now.
If she needs therapy then I understand your money worries. Ask if that's what she thinks she needs.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I appreciate everything that you have all said, but I do not feel like a good mom. This year has been so hard with the flashbacks and ptsd that I have avoided my family and isolated from them a lot... some weeks more than others, but my kids have both seemed desperate to spend time with me. And it puts me on edge. I spent 4 hours with my oldest yesterday and she still wanted more. My youngest would come into my bedroom while I am trying to calm my anxiety and I would suggest anything possible for her to find something besides me to occupy her time. I forgot to turn in pictures for the 8 th grade band slide show. I didn't stay on top of their school work. I USED to be a great parent. This year, not so much. So if she is doing this for love and attention... any kind of attention... it worked, but I still feel useless and selfish and full of anxiety. I can't guarantee that I am going to make it and she has ADHD and is starting high school. Both of my daughters trigger me. Their band director majorly triggers me. I don't feel right about any of this. I need to snap out of it, but all I feel is a slow slide towards depression.

 

[Suzetig]

And yet she sought you out to talk about it, which tells me you're doing something right. The vast majority of self harm is done in secret and isn't about attention seeking - I can't say what it means to your girl but it sounds like she has a lot of change this year and could be a bit overwhelmed?

I wonder if you've come across the concept of "good enough" parenting? Basically this concept says our kids don't need perfect parenting all of the time, or indeed at all - they need someone who is consistently there and doing it to a good enough standard. Your kids can't read your mind, you know that you struggle and are triggered but they can't see your thoughts. They might see you forgetful now and again, or short with them now and again but people are forgetful and short tempered from time to time. Being a good mum is about relationship built in the day to day stuff, not about getting it right every time or even feeling delight in your kids all the time. If it were, most folk I know would be screwed.

That slide towards depression you're feeling is a normal response once the adrenaline of the initial response is done - it doesn't mean you'll slide all the way down, maybe give some space to the care, and worry, and love you have for your child who is struggling.

The triggering stuff is worth taking back to therapy to think through whether your current coping strategies are working. It sounds like you were able to be kind to your daughter, time now to be kind to yourself.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

And yet she sought you out to talk about it, which tells me you're doing something right. The vast majo...

Thank you. I will try to.

 

[Cypress]

I think you made the right move by talking to her about it and not panicking. That will keep the door open to more communication. If she winds up needing therapy - get it no matter the cost.

My daughter also started cutting at about age 13. She didn't tell me about until two years later. She said she was better and wasn't going to do it anymore and I desperately wanted to believe it as I was barely holding it together myself. It didn't get better though and her self-harming, low self esteem and depression snowballed over the years without treatment until she finally got help in college. Part of her treatment has been to look at how my PTSD affected her growing up. Adolescence is hell on PTSD parents. Don't underestimate how much extra support you may need.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I would like to say that I so agree with the above post. In my high school years I obviously became rather depressed and got into my first abusive relationship-mostly verbal/emotional and my parents let me just play video games and drown out my emotions/numb out from the world when really what I desperately needed was T and true help. Although, I don't hold anger towards my parents for not getting me help it does make me sad that even though they could see the obvious tremendous pain I was in-I think my poetry I showed them was so painstakingly obvious . Anyways so, I went to college without ever getting real treatment for my mental health issues and just began self destructing. I'm just saying this because even if your daughter says she doesn't want T please encourage it or make her try it at least a few times because if asked I probably would have said I didn't need it because, it would have made me feel so vulnerable and weak in front of my parents even though secretly I really wanted the help. I hope your daughter is doing better!

 

[talon]

My 13 year old daughter told me on the way to her teen mission trip that she cuts. She promised her you...

Don't overthink the situation it won't help . Is your daughter anxious about or worried about you and that is revealed in her reaction to this. I think you have done a brilliant job. You need to tell each other how much you love as it's often the simplest of communications that make a difference. Communication is the key to most problems . As your reaction was spot one it should show your daughter that whatever is troubling her best to share it as mum is not going to judge or react badly. Be there for each other . Don't lean on each other rather support as close friends as well as mum and daughter. Stay cool thinking the worst makes it so