Dazed And Confused Spouse

[kclarkesocal]

My wife has been diagnosed with PTSD, but I am very confused by the overall fact pattern:

- Wife is highly accomplished, fancy degrees etc., though been home with kids for a number of years
- Have always thought of my wife as remarkably even keeled and stable
- Married 15 years, very normal simple married life; we've been together since we were 20 years old
- 2 kids, seem to be doing just fine
- No financial strain/other obvious external stresses
- Very stable, normal, drama-free life

- About 11 months ago, wife became depressed
- Went through a series of medications, nothing seemed to work
- Went through a couple of therapists, wasn't really connecting
- End up with strong suicidal urges, other self-harm urges and actions
- Was hospitalized for 5 days then did outpatient program for 20 more days
- Switched to new therapist
- Started weekly DBT

- Within last couple of months, apparently they have uncovered some "childhood trauma" (nobody telling me specifics but I gather this is some form of childhood sexual abuse, which I would not have seen coming in a million years)
- I'm guessing here, but I think this event was probably 25+ years ago, with very little in the way of symptoms in between then and now (maybe 1 depressive episode that went away 15+ years ago)
- Focus now on PTSD, with intensive exposure therapy (between DBT and therapist, total bill ~$1000/wk)

This is all completely new to me. Does this story make sense?

 

[amethist]

Hi kclarkesocal

Welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry this has happened to your wife. Unfortunately ptsd can surface like this out of the blue, maybe something reminded her of all the past hurt and it triggered her to react.

It's hard, it's tough and it is going to be extremely difficult for you both. But with patience and understanding along with a lot of learning on your part, you can come through this.

I would suggest you read as much as you can here, ask as many questions as you like, someone will answer you.

In the mean time take good care of yourself, you are going to need all your strength to be able to cope with all that helping a spouse with ptsd entails.

Hang in there, it can be done with a lot of help and support.

Amethist

 

[Jagged Angel]

Hi kclarkesocal, yes it does make sense. I too have appeared to be on an even keel for 20 years before the PTSD finally took its toll. I found that the majority of my workaholism and stability actually came from having PTSD... and then things changed and I didn't cope any more. I am not alone in this.

You will probably find that your wife did have symptoms of PTSD, but that they manifested in ways like becoming very successful, taking care of the children, and shoving the PTSD to the back of the mind for 25 years. It takes a lot of energy to do these things, and eventually one breaks down.

It is great that you have sought out this forum. It's an excellent place for support and information. Welcome!

 

[Pixie]

Hi kclarkesocal, I agree, it does make sense. I have Complex PTSD and was married for around 5 years (and together for 7) before I "crashed" after being seriously triggered. I went from being happy and social, great at my job etc, to severely depressed and suicidal virtually overnight (though in my case, I have had many episodes during the past 15 years).

When I eventually told my husband that the cause was "childhood trauma" (and I think you are right in your assumption), he didn't see it coming either...

You are doing a wonderful thing for her by coming here and seeking out some advice and I hope that you stay and receive the support that you need from the many caring and wonderful people here.

Pixie

 

[Estelle]

Good for you for coming on the forum to help with your wife's problems. I can imagine how diffcult this is for you when there seemed to be no previous hint that such problems existed. Look for help and advice from people who belong here. I know my husband has a hard time dealing with my PTSD and its consequences. I hope to one day introduce him to this forum.

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum kclarkesocal

You will probably find that your wife did have symptoms of PTSD, but that they manifested in ways like becoming very successful, taking care of the children, and shoving the PTSD to the back of the mind for 25 years. It takes a lot of energy to do these things, and eventually one breaks down.

I totally agree with what Jagged Angel wrote as work-holism, perfectionism, ability to please everyone etc are coping mechanisms used to cover PTSD - generally unconsciously as well. If you find out about your wife's childhood you may find she had to be the perfect daughter and get top grades etc. Not that this it the cause of the PTSD but it can be one of the behaviours which coincide with unhealthy parenting...eg getting belted for not getting top classes at school etc.

Apparently there are statistics that also suggest that childhood abuse re-presents itself as a problem for women in their late 30's to early 40's.

We look forward to you joining us in the Carers section and until then I suggest you start by reading the sticky posts at the top of the section.

 

[Sasha]

kclarksocal, this is really difficult, I can imagine. Triggers are terrible like that. We can bury things for years, decades until a trigger takes us back there. It will change our world. Most of us have spent our lives trying to ignore and/or manage our trauma/s. I thought I could manage mine, I tried. I'm sure it has taken her by surprise as well and it is really difficult for her. I'm really sorry that both of you are suffering. Please know you have support here. Peace to your family, Sasha

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello kclarkesocal,

I went along 20 years with everything fairly smooth, I thought that many of the feelings I experienced were just "me", but my life was on a pretty even keel, for the most part, in particular as far as managing "ptsd symptoms".

Then, 1 1/2 years ago I had an incident occur- not as big a deal as some (or so I thought), and I absolutely positively disintigrated. I reacted much as you describe your wife did.

Finally, after 19 months I am beginning (I believe and hope) to turn a corner.

It is possible, but I am so sorry it is so difficult. I wish you the best and please turn to this forum and every resource possible for information, understanding and support for both your wife and especially yourself.

Welcome-

 

[eyebiter]

Welcome I do not suffer CPTSD from abuse, but suffer none the less. I just want to tell you, your wife is a very luck woman to have a man who cares as much as you do, not many left out there.

It is a hard road but it in 4x4 bull low and stare out slowly. You both can make it throught this together and will have a better understanding of each other. Good luck

 

[kclarkesocal]

Thanks and More

Thanks for the supportive comments.

Some days I feel good, thinking that she's finally got the right diagnosis, the right therapist, and the the right treatment plan, and that things will ultimately be ok (whatever ok means). Other days, I worry that we've slid halfway to oblivion, something catastrophic will happen, and my children will wander through life as lost souls.

In reading the other posts here, I will say that my wife has been exceptional in her commitment to her treatment process. It took her a while to find these buried, half-formed memories, but she has fully embraced the therapy, as painful as it is. And that gives me hope. She's also highly functional, so she can have a terrible day with horrible urges and still interact normally with the family much of the time, so the current impact to the children has been minimal.

Being the spouse of a sufferer of PTSD -- I suspect particularly when the original cause is something not discussable (she won't even discuss with me, so what I know is from putting a lot of fragments together) -- is hard. Unless I go get a therapist of my own, I (like may others I suspect) am absolutely, totally isolated -- I have nobody to talk to.

 

[helena]

Hi Kclark,

Dazed and confused just about sums it up for both carers and sufferers!

I know you will find a lot of advice and support here which hopefully can guide you through this difficult time.

Look forward to see you around the forum and hope you find the answers you need sooner rather than later.

Helena

 

[amethist]

Hi Kclarkesocal

You are not on your own anymore.

Most of the carers on here felt like that at first, sufferers did too. But the support network on here is amazing, some of us carers chat off the forum, just for a break from it all. We laugh, joke about and basically chat about anything other than caring.

In time when you have been approved over to the main forum, You will then see how much we help each other, and boy do we need it at times.

We all help where and when we can, so hang in there just a while longer. It does get easier and you will be able to get throught he tough times with support.

Amethist