My first post: I know putting myself out there will expose me to two sides of a discussion and may seem harsh, but willing to read folks opinions. I ask from some empathy as I believe this forum is for folks who have suffered, supported and a mix of both. I am that mix of both.
Summary Overview
I was married to my wife for over 12 years and dated 7. When she was little she was sexually abused by her family, left to be cared by two other family members with one an alcholic and then sent to live with an aging family member who had their own issues. At first glance, If you look at her or hear her on various topics, you would think she did not have a care in the world and had a great life. Abuse is not limited to income level, race or religion. She was from a good family on the outside just a torturous hell on the inside. When they all died a few years after college. I was it for family. It was strange, she had no father to walk her down the isle, her friends were distant and she just wanted a life with me and me alone.
As time progressed in our marriage, I go to know her more. I admit a tragic past and I did my best to shield her and care for her. Our dating time was mostly in college and early stages of my career. So we grew up together in a way, became more like brother sister vs lover partner. We lost imtamcy and I began my mental spiral to try to cope with the lack of intamcy and anger she later developed in our marriage.
When I left, It was one of the hardest things I could have done, but I was starting to have my own mental health issues dealing with her depression too and my failed suicide attempt. After separating we did seek counseling and intense therapy. After 3 years, I have found my own happiness and have gotten better, but she still has her moments. As we finalize our divorce proceedings, she lashes out in anger blaming me for sending her into a mental spiral and will never be happy again. It is so hard to see these messages and even hear her when we meet. We have become two completely diffent people.
I want her to be happy, but it seems as though she can't. I have bought her therapy, I pay for all her expenses, but I know i cannot go back to an unhealthy relationship again. I tried briefly, but a flood of resentment and arguing, just propelled me away again. I still do care about her, I don't know what to do. I have gone through several therapist and I know I am not unique in this matter- I am hoping someone can help-- I want to learn to tell her she will be ok, though I know we cannot be together again, I want her to find happiness, but I don't know if she will and I don't know how to tell her I have found someone without her going into a complete spiral. I am ask from a thoughtful response- I continue my own mental health routines, but it pains me she can't move on.
So any help is greatly appreciated- If this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my life, I ask for any help to cope and be sensitive to her too, while I move on with my new healthy relationship.
Summary Overview
I was married to my wife for over 12 years and dated 7. When she was little she was sexually abused by her family, left to be cared by two other family members with one an alcholic and then sent to live with an aging family member who had their own issues. At first glance, If you look at her or hear her on various topics, you would think she did not have a care in the world and had a great life. Abuse is not limited to income level, race or religion. She was from a good family on the outside just a torturous hell on the inside. When they all died a few years after college. I was it for family. It was strange, she had no father to walk her down the isle, her friends were distant and she just wanted a life with me and me alone.
As time progressed in our marriage, I go to know her more. I admit a tragic past and I did my best to shield her and care for her. Our dating time was mostly in college and early stages of my career. So we grew up together in a way, became more like brother sister vs lover partner. We lost imtamcy and I began my mental spiral to try to cope with the lack of intamcy and anger she later developed in our marriage.
When I left, It was one of the hardest things I could have done, but I was starting to have my own mental health issues dealing with her depression too and my failed suicide attempt. After separating we did seek counseling and intense therapy. After 3 years, I have found my own happiness and have gotten better, but she still has her moments. As we finalize our divorce proceedings, she lashes out in anger blaming me for sending her into a mental spiral and will never be happy again. It is so hard to see these messages and even hear her when we meet. We have become two completely diffent people.
I want her to be happy, but it seems as though she can't. I have bought her therapy, I pay for all her expenses, but I know i cannot go back to an unhealthy relationship again. I tried briefly, but a flood of resentment and arguing, just propelled me away again. I still do care about her, I don't know what to do. I have gone through several therapist and I know I am not unique in this matter- I am hoping someone can help-- I want to learn to tell her she will be ok, though I know we cannot be together again, I want her to find happiness, but I don't know if she will and I don't know how to tell her I have found someone without her going into a complete spiral. I am ask from a thoughtful response- I continue my own mental health routines, but it pains me she can't move on.
So any help is greatly appreciated- If this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my life, I ask for any help to cope and be sensitive to her too, while I move on with my new healthy relationship.
