Dealing With Irrational Anxiety...is It Irrational At All?

[Samantha_38]

I'm constantly worrying over things that may or may not be rational, but no matter how often I try to tell myself when even I realize i'm not being realistic, I just feel worse. Right now, specifically, I'm struggling with the fact that my children are sick yet again and I'm missing class yet again today.

I'm so anxious over how instructors are going to react when I email them, again, that I can't be in class. I worry the responses I'm going to get when I get back. I'm constantly worried I'm going to open my email and find a message from the program director saying we need to have a conversation about attendance. I even have anxiety over what my classmates think. While some seem supportive, I question their motives, and then many others seem irritated that I miss so much and continue to be in the program. I really feel like I'm walking on the edge of remaining in the program and it has me worried. VERY worried. Being dropped from school is not something I could handle, on an emotional level. And it's not something we can handle as a family. I HAVE to get through this to be able to provide for my kids...there are no other options.

I've heard all the reasons why this is irrational.... It's impossible to think I'd go to a 3 year program with 2 children and not miss due to their illnesses. It's irrational to think I'd get through without the PTSD affecting me and causing me to stress myself into being ill myself. Everyone with kids has been there....your instructors understand that, etc. etc. These all sound like "excuses" to me, excuses I'm scared maybe I'm on some level using to get out of something I'm not ready for. Irrational? Others do not miss as often as me, even others who have children. Circumstances are different, but it remains a rational fear in my mind even though everyone who cares to give me their input insists its just me worrying and I'd really be better to not worry about it.

I'm open to any input.

 

[Nam]

When you are being judged, scored, or tested, it seems like everything is put under a microscope. That is not really what it's like. Most profs look at your results rather than your attendance. If you feel that your absences are excessive, ask the prof what they would like you to do in exchange. If they have a strict attendance policy, almost always, it's known at the beginning of class. You have to remember that most profs want you to be successful.

I have kids. It's hard to balance everything. What would I do? I'd have a back up babysitter. Several in fact. On a list. That are willing to take on sick kids. Some of the rules for daycares seem overly concerned. I had to keep a child home from an ear infection because she was not fever free for 24 hours. I have a child that has a nervous stomach. Once again, 24 hours from last episode of diarrhea or vomiting.

Now if my kid had uncontrollable fever, that's different.

At the end of the day, you can only ask yourself if you did the best you could under your circumstances.

 

[Friday]

See now, I looooooved being able to miss class whenever I need to for illness, tantrum resolution, and 'today just sucks'. So much better than work. I wasn't gonna get fired or lose pay for needing to handle things on the home front.

Attendance requirements are right there on the syllabus.

Even for lab classes, there were always open lab times. So if I had sick kids during a lab? After I put them to bed, call the night sitter, and go in bust out the experiments & or hours.

Would stack up as much extra credit as possible, to help cover any gaps.

Did I miss a lot of school? For sure. Still pulled a 3.2 overall & a 4 point in my majors.

 

[Friday]

@Nam ... <grin> Thank you, thank you, thank you for following sick child policies with your daycare!!! :D :D :D Asthmatic kid meant that "It's just the sniffles!" (Parents bringing in sick kids, anyway) would be a week spent in hospital (or in and out of hospital, usually at 3am, night after night) with variations of pneumonia, atelectasis, and uncontrollable bronchiospasm. And another 10k in copays added to my ever increasing debt, & $200 in medications each week for a month that had to be paid up front, & another job lost. And a weekly sleep total of maybe 2 hours a day in 10 minute naps (and even feeling guilty for those, cause brain damage at 6 minutes). Rabidly healthy, super sporty kid in all other ways... But the ever-present daycare sludge meant I couldn't use one until I got a subsidy to send my son to a Montessori preschool & daycare that actually enforced sick-child policies. It was mind blowing. Instead of sick once a month, it shifted to sick twice a year. When sick doesn't mean much, I know the policies can seem stupid. When sick means a whole helluva lot? Soooo depend on other parents following the rules. So many don't. Again. Thank you.

 

[Samantha_38]

Thank you @Nam . Both my kids woke up with fevers. I have thought of trying to have people available to watch sick kids, but we struggle just find people to watch them when they aren't sick. They have great daycare and preschool but anything outside of that is hard to find. Especially in the price range we can afford. We do not have family and there very few "friends" here. Anyone we know here are just the guys that work with my fiance' and none of them have kids or any interest in hanging out with ours, especially while ill. I think I most worried about the actual program requirements. Not so much the individual instructors. I do worry that at some point the instructors are going to say they've had enough, but my real worry is that the program director is going to email me. It is NOT an easy program to get into, they are strict, they have to be. They dropped 5 people for grades after my first semester, they weren't even allowed retakes or to try and get the grades up. The attendance policy isn't set in stone, there aren't specifics, attendance at everything is however required and I think its case by case basis. It worries me still.

@FridayJones - I have work to think about too. I don't know that either one of those is any more or less stressful than the other for me. Today specifically though, I'm going to be able to make it to work, just couldn't figure out how to get to class. So for today, work isn't at the forefront. Being my program is as strict as it is, there's no way we could ever miss for "today just sucks". There really isn't extra credit either. My grades and GPA are good, I think 3.78 last semester...can't remember. They are suffering a bit more this semester with as much as I've been gone and had going on with kids in the hospital and everything else.

In any event it seems you both agree the anxiety I have over this irrational...at least mostly. So how do you get rid of those irrational fears. Because although, today led for a great example for me to describe. I deal with anxiety caused by irrational fears all the time.

 

[Samantha_38]

@FridayJones my oldest has asthma, although not as severe as it sounds your child deals with. He also has epilepsy and we've been exactly where you describe. Heck we're there as far as the bills and maintaining jobs and those things go. Illness throws his epilepsy into overdrive, and yes, we spend every week nursing him back from the previous weeks daycare induced illness. I also agree, daycare rules are there for a reason. We follow them as well. I wish more did.

 

[Friday]

One way I cut daycare costs down was to plumb the Early Childhood Development majors (and psych majors, and other nursing/med students). $20 plus a home cooked meal & quiet place to study / sleep meant I had a waiting list of students wanting the call (kept a list of about 10-20-40 students I'd already interviewed on the fridge, and 5-10 I regularly used) who were going nuts in loud dorms or packed to the gills off campus housing. So it was a win/win all around. Don't know daycare costs in your area, but in mine it was $1600 per child per month, so $400 even for full time use was 25% of just my son, and less than 10% of going rates for his cousins as well.

This was mostly for when I was working nights, or had lab work I'd missed in the daytime and needed to bust out.

LOL... Like most good things in my life, it was pure chance that found this. Had a friend from school over one night when I got paged. Dammit! They were in the dorms, and kinda begged to stay the night if they could please, please, please raid the fridge for leftovers? Light. Bulb. Threw a comfy twin bed in the office, made it up for guests, and started cooking extra every meal. Took sooooo much stress off knowing that nights, at least, were sorted. ((In theory, I was married, so nights should have been sorted. In practice, he was a douche, and either out... Or I'd come home to find my son hypoxic, while douche was dead to the world asleep &/or passed out. Not to mention a few times come home and find my toddler in an empty house. Oh f*ck no. Not having it.))

I used my student network in the daytime, too. But mostly during midterms & finals weeks. Sometimes when my son was sick and I absolutely had to be there. LOL. Had a few nursing students who squeaked extra credit for maintaining universal precautions (aka not getting sick) when my son was sick and they were sitting. Cracked me up.

 

[Samantha_38]

@FridayJones...childcare is fairly spendy here not 1600/month per child. We spend $700/month now. We were spending $1400/month at one time but found a cheaper route. My fiance' works nights and I work evenings. He leaves about the time I get home. He's here during the day, but obviously has to sleep at some point. Although why this is I can't fathom considering that excuse never seems to work for me. Not that I sleep all that well anyways however. We would need someone during the day when I'm in class. I'm worried trying students would be difficult considering they would also have class during the day. It is an idea though, that maybe I can figure out. I could talk to my program director, since she obviously knows the other program directors, and see if she'll send out an email. Nursing students would be good considering my sons epilepsy.

Thanks for your input on that problem. It at least helps that specific circumstance. Now to just reign in the anxiety caused by everything else....

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I wish I had some wonderful answers for you but it is a fine art of juggling. Seriously though, school and two kids, please give yourself some credit! I know how it feels to think everyone is judging you. I have missed so much work, between my kids being sick and medical issues myself, the stress and anxiety made everything worse. One day at a time, sometimes just one hour. You are doing your best for yourself and your family. Keep reminding yourself of this, take deep breathes. You are doing great Mom. :tup:

 

[Samantha_38]

There was a post, well a blog really, on the internet that go shared around the Facebook Epilepsy support group I'm part of. It's really just parents sharing ideas regarding their child's treatment, since raising an epileptic child has its own issues for sure. The post was about what it meant to have a child with epilepsy. It rang VERY true in many areas, but here's one thing it said that i think will stick with me forever.....

"You will never be a reliable worker...."

And I'm like really...."NEVER?!?"

Obviously there are things beyond his epilepsy that make this ring true...but it hits me like a brick. I have spent SO much time just trying to get to the next thing. Just get through the day, just get past the next doctors appointment, just...just...just.... This whole time I've been thinking...this next one will be it, it'll be the day I figure out how to manage his epilepsy. It'll be the day everything turns around...I'll miss school a max of once a month instead of a minimum of once a week. I won't have to call into work. I'll be able to stop feeling this pit in my stomach every time I have to make that phone call. I won't have this intense worry that I'm going to get an email from my program director.

It's the same damn thing with the PTSD though too...and it doesn't even have to be work or school. It's everything. I've been constantly living in this "just..." world where I "just get through the day...." and "just do what's possible...." and "just barely make it...."

Is it ever going to get to the point where I can actually live? Or am I "NEVER" going to get there?

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I am learning to live in the moment myself. If I try to plan more than the day, I get overwhelmed and feel like a complete failure. I am doing my best to make those moments in between matter, whether it's reading my daughter a book or being able to work a full day. Some days are merely survival, but there is something to small victories. I don't know what the future holds but on the days I want to just give up, my daughters keep me going. I hope you have small victories this week @Samantha_38 and remain hopeful for days of thriving in addition to surviving.

 

[Andreas Andersson]

Some anxiety is normal. But you also need to think about why you should keep feeling anxious about things. Will feeling anxious about things change how these things occur and change? No, not at all. That means it's irrational anxiety. Everyone is anxious about new things or feels stress related to work or studies, but in the end it doesn't do anyone any good to dwell on it. What happens, happens, no matter how anxious and anticipating we are.

Cut yourself some slack. Let yourself feel confidence over the things you're actually doing You seem like a very selfconciouss person who cares a lot. You're a good person, but you need to be good to yourself as well. I know it sounds a lot easier than it really is, but to me that's actually what helps.
Again, it's one thing for me to TALK about it and another for you to do it, but this is what I think. All that learning in the moment stuff might sound like mumbojumbo rubbish, but it really has value and use.