General Dealing With The 'explosive' Anger?

[NJP]

I am new to this forum, so forgive me if this has been covered already.

Firstly I want to say how relieved I am at finding this forum, my husband has only recently had PTSD confirmed and the relief is palpable as we now know what we are dealing with.

I had read and learned so much in the past few hours reading through these threads and can relate to so much of it, I have found myself nodding vigorously, crying when I identified with other carers/supporters and realising that I am not alone.

My husband has so many of the classic symptoms of PTSD and most of them I can deal with, but the hardest is the sudden 'explosive' rage or anger he displays (which I now know is PTSD) this is normally triggered by what are to many the smallest things, like a Q in a shop or waiting for a table at a restaurant, I dread going out as he will just suddenly explode if he has to wait even a minute to be seated causing extreme embarrassment.

We have neighbours who have 4 cars and take up spaces outside our house, if he sees the cars he will just rant and rave in the middle of the street threatening to kick their wing mirrors off (Not good when you are a Police Officer)

If I am driving and I do something he doesn't think is right in his eyes, he will call ball me out, and when I burst into tears he will be nasty and tell me to stop turning on the waterworks.

I have been screamed at in the street by him after only, again in my eyes, the most minor of things such as offering help with something or advice.

These are the times that I really struggle with, he apologies profusely afterwards.

He says he wants to get help, that he desperately loves me and wants our marriage to work and I do to, but what can I do when he has these outbursts?

 

[amethist]

Hi NJP

Welcome to the forum.

Some of the answers and replies, may not be what you what to hear at times, but they will all be honest, and usually from our own experience too.

His angry out bursts and short temperedness, really is one he will have to control sooner rather than later. So this is where you will have to learn to set boundaries, one's which he is not allowed to cross if at all possible.

If he yells at you in the street, try walking away from him, not looking back, no matter how loud he yells. if he wont be patient and wait for a table, tell him either book in advance, and be patient when you get there, or you dont go.

So walk away and let him rant to himself, you may find he stops once he realizes your not buying in to it so much.

These will be hard to do at first, but with practice, you will soon get it to a fine art.

Just because he has PTSD, does not mean he can treat you in a way he would not without it.

You can always try this too. When he starts tell him to stop for a second, then tell him to say something nice to you before he carries on. you could be surprised how much of the ranting stops there and then. it does not always work, but keep doing this too and one day it could.

It takes the patience of a saint and the skin of a rhino to be a supporter, but it can be done and your marriage can stay intact. It is tough and it does take time, but if he puts the work in and you can work together, you can stay together and get back most of what PTSD took away.

Take good care of yourself, you deserve to.

Amethist

 

[myvetswife]

We try to avoid triggers. Take Mc Donald out in the car rather than eating in. We leave 10 Minutes early in the morning to avoid to much traffic. After so many years I had to learn aswell that he sometimes just wants his peace and be left alone. Before I would walk into the room often and try to talk. These days I try to jugde the situation if he is ok alone or he wants company.

Head up, you can live with it when you know how to deal with it!

 

[Eleanor]

Hi NJP, welcome to the forum. Amethist is exactly right. I'd just add that you should talk to him about what to do when the next episdode happens. It is much easier for me to be tough and have good boundaies when I can say to my H - "We talked about what to do in this situation and we decided I would.... so i am doing what we decided on." Bottom line, however is that HE needs to control himself. The quicker, stronger and more consistently you draw the line the easier it will be for him to learn not to cross it AND the less damage you will be taking from it (although it is still damaging to you.)

It is helpful to know what the triggers are - because then you can plan for them. Sometimes however it is not what you think - my H can't take any crowding - standing in line is ok UNLESS it is in a crowded space or with unpleasant people who trigger him and then he just needs to get out of there. Since you know about the parking thing, decide on a way for him to handle it before it happens again - relaxation, taking a walk (out the back) or something like that. The stress cup explanation of PTSD that Anthony has posted is very helpful - we look at reducing the overall stress load. We have a "nuisance list" "little" things around the house that are a daily pain in the ass that are small to fix, but have HUGE payoffs in terms of reduced stress. We do those things FIRST. (squeaky threashold, hose reel that didn't work right, washer unbalanced - stuff like this) and we pay a lot of attention to how much rest he gets. Stuff like that. You guys will figure out what his stressors are. Sometimes they aren't big, but just constant and build up.

I had to set up the appointments for my H - he wanted help but was immobilized about making calls and such. But he had to go and he has to do the work at the end of the day. Not something I can fix for him.

Best of luck!

 

[NJP]

Thanks Eleanor

I have learned the triggers and some of them I avoid with him such as supermarket shopping as the crowded aisles start to stress him out, we can't act on impulse and go to a restaurant in case we may have to wait for a table, the challenge is when he is at work.

 

[myvetswife]

We have neighbours who have 4 cars and take up spaces outside our house, if he sees the cars he will just rant and rave in the middle of the street threatening to kick their wing mirrors off (Not good when you are a Police Officer)

We used to have a neighbour who would park his cars nearly in front of our garage. One day my hubby exploded an got a towing rope (militay truck rope) out and put it around his bumper and on the towhook from his defender....good did that guy got quick to move his car and funnily he never parked there again. But in that situation I suffered a panik attack...

 

[freakofnurture]

(...) but what can I do when he has these outbursts?

It's a very good thing that he understands what his outbursts are, that he wants to work on them, and that he apologises after lashing out at you.

There are some things that have helped me greatly reduce my anger explosions in number; maybe you can try them:

Work with him to find out, what exactly triggers him. What exactly makes him so angry about having to wait? What exactly makes him so angry about your neighbours cars? Talk through what goes on emotionally, which thoughts pop up etc. Some of it might sound ridiculous, but for him it feels life threatening. I believe that triggered anger is most often due to a trauma related fear; the anger is an attempt at self-protection.

Find out what he needs to feel safe again. Symbolic acts can help a lot in calming down, for example. It could be that he just needs you to validate him, or to agree with him that whatever is ticking him off is indeed a scandalous thing, even if you don't really think so. You can clear that up after the explosion is over and he's back in his right mind.

When you know there will be a trigger where you're going, help him to prepare for the situation. It's useful to practice awareness of his physical state, so that he can learn to recognise earlier when he is being triggered (it will not feel like that to him now, but there are always early signs). The earlier he notices that he's about to be triggered, the better the chances of a grounding method making the 'explosion' less dramatic.

Also: It's okay to feel hurt when he attacks you, it's okay to tell him that, and it's okay if you ever need time without him to recharge. He being sick doesn't make it alright for him to attack you. Don't beat yourself up for that, ever! :)

 

[ProudWife99]

My husband has so many of the classic symptoms of PTSD and most of them I can deal with, but the hardest is the sudden 'explosive' rage or anger he displays (which I now know is PTSD)

It is my advice that you try to change the mindset from "dealing" with the symptoms of PTSD to "managing" the symptoms of PTSD. For example, I told myself I could deal with A's distance, pulling me across the bed in his sleep, and inability to handle crowds if he would stop getting so angry. As we both suffer from PTSD (his is combat related, mine from a sexual assault when I was younger) I know he had the same thoughts about me.

When we're supporting someone with PTSD we often try to accept some bad and unhealthy behavior and focus our efforts on the one thing that hurts the most. The issue with this is that we trick ourselves into thinking if just that one thing gets better the rest won't matter so much. In some cases that may be true, but not in my experience. Just because my husband suffers from PTSD does not mean the lesser of the evils is acceptable behavior. It just means it didn't hurt as bad, but believe me those little hurts will add up.

It's a long road, but if we really want to help them (and help ourselves) we can't just deal with behavior.

Also, what I find helpful when I'm triggered is to take as much time as i need to really investigate why I'm angry. Sometimes I dont' come up with anything which makes me realize it isn't anything anyone did. Sometimes I find I'm angry at something that happened hours ago and am just not working it out. Either way, it keeps me from going off right away, but gives me perspective.

Love to you guys!

 

[NJP]

We have had some smashing few days, really nice, not 'angry' moments until tonight, when he saw the weather forecast for possible snow, my god you'd think they had said the world was coming to an end, he got so het up over it, and started snapping at me as if it were my fault the weather was going to be bad, he has to go to work on early shifts this weekend, he then started to get annoyed about having to have dinner early. He reluctantly went out to get the takeout even though I said I would get it, that was half hour ago and the take out was going to be ready in 10mins, so I imagine he has taken himself off to calm down, and I assume the takeout will be cold when he gets back :(

 

[Eleanor]

In a world where one more straw can break a camel's back - you cannot hope to avoid straws. Good for him for taking time to settle down. Cold takeout is a small price (plus that's what they make microwaves/stoves for!;)) ((((NJP)))) This too shall pass....

 

[Friday]

Welcome @Nineone

There are many ways to do it, and it all comes down to a lot of hard work. Upside, I'm sure you're used to that, downside obvious. A good therapist is absolutely invaluable. I spent about 15 years stumbling about on my own. The first 5 in pure chaos, the next 10 almost asymptotic. I won't blow sunshine up your ass, PTSD is cyclic. Even in almost all ways gone, it can come back hard with added stresses and traumas. Had therapy for other things, and sometimes they'd help or relate, sometimes not. This place has been a godsend. I did a whole lot of reinventing the wheel over those 15 years. Both in the hard years and the good years. Wish I'd had this place then.

Lol... One thing was I had to teach myself to recognize rage and parse out the pieces of it with a crate of cheap glassware and an old shed. (March out to shed and throw glasses until calm gradually transformed into recognizing I'd need to be taking myself to the shed soon, to simply walking as if I were going to the shed and imagining the lovely noise, to walking outside and breathing, to being able to take a timeout on my feet as it were. Meaning extricate myself or alter the situation before I needed to remove myself from it). Not something I'd recommend to most people, I also used weapons handling... As years of use/training there automatically dropped my heart rate and steadied my breathing. Another, that I'd recommend for anyone with kids, is that I made the same rules for my toddlers apply for me. ((When is okay to yell? When there's danger or you're far away... For example)). Which might sound embarrassing, but it worked well as modeling when the kids were little.

One of the hardest places, and the most frustrating places, has always been at home where I tend to relax.

My responses are all jumbled up, with PTSD, and while I can generally do the right thing when I'm concentrating... Not only is that exhausting, instead of just being able to rely on experience and training, but it means I'm 'surprised' a lot more often. And I grab from the wrong "box" of reactions when I'm surprised and in a bad place. It also usually means I've just spend the past 8-12 hours on my best behavior, and I'm already worn out and stressed out from that.

Do make sure to read about the Stress Cup
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

And, again... Welcome!

 

[Dr.B]

I am not sure if I should be posting on your thread as I am the other party that had PTSD. I was first diagnosed with this delightfully dreaded illness back when I was 23 year old....I am now 47....I have served several tours in the Canadian military and have been with a regiment that has a known name for some influenced acts for anti terrorism, recon missions and some more undesirable acts which I am bound to never divulge. I have done several different acts of destruction to human life that were given to me and my men as direct commands that we must follow as we were and are soldiers and this was our job.as being quite young with a full career ahead of me and a family to take care of back home-i had a very young son at this time ,going to work and supporting your family was a number one priority.....but being my buddies 6 was equally if not more important because it meant if I let him down or any other of my men, then they could possibly not make it home to be part of their family unit and not seeing their kids grow and more importantly, have their kids grow without them.

War is a dirty game and we are all pawns in this game and with more and more agendas coming up in world issues only meant that we would never be without a job. as time went on and I gained in rank and experience, I ended up training several members from not only my own regiment,but training with as well as training allied forces......as well as some others we must never speak of. Men I have trained and have been in theatres with, I have seen die or been so badly injured that some have asked to be killed.....or tried to take their own lives.I was in for a 15 year stint in which I myself have been captured and beaten by insurgent groups being left for dead.I have had my back broken in 3 different spots, skull f*cked with a rifle butt, shot and fragged, gassed, decompressed and jumped out of aircraft into hot zones in low level extractions in the middle of the night with tracer rounds coming merely inches from me and my men. I guess the point I am trying to make....and I wouldn't be on here telling all of you this if it wasn't for me and my wife encountering problems like you are all so wooing about.......none of you were ever in the places were the locals were trying to off you and the rest of us......which quite possibly could have been one of your husbands or brothers or fathers....,sorry, we never had any females in our regiment...but are now all bitching because some of us have had lives like beaten dogs or have seen or had our brothers in arms shot or blown pieces of their bodies ripped from them from an IED or holes the size of oranges blown in them from sniper fire.

We have all put our everything into our careers as soldiers to protect this country so the rest of you can go to your local store and buy your family food for a nice dinner or a fancy pair of runners or designer jeans......or to get an education.......my wife knows I have this infliction and is none to much understanding, so I came on line to try to inform her so the fighting will calm down,so we won't be getting that divorce,so my sons and daughter have some sort of idea why I am like I am....am why other members are like what they are and what is going on in their heads......we are broken! Not all the crazy glue in the world will ever take away the pain, the torment, the nightmares and memories of what happened and why we are the way we are. I have tried several support groups-some were good, and some were not.....I seen shrinks and more shrinks and talked discussed,argued screamed and cried in front of total strangers.....something we were taught not to do as it shows signs of weakness......well, I will tell you all something straight from the hip.....we all are human and even though we were taught and engrained throughout our training lives, PTSD is nothing to bitch about your spouse having as it may embarrassing to you because he may be having a little more trouble in life than you may think.

I have read article after article and forum after forum and have seen military shrinks as well as civilian shrinks, been fed meds to keep me stable, meds to keep me from remembering, medss to help me sleep through the night without jumping out of and under our bed or reaching over and strangling or punching my wife in my sleep.....I spent months recovering from my wounds and mental beatings I endured while I was a POW and still feel the pains inflicted on my body to this day but it only got worse with age. I still keep in contact with some of my old unit as I find that is possibly the best therapy that I have received from anyone or anywhere since I released.my wife says she doesn't or didn't want to talk about my illness to anybody because she was embarrassed about it........if you can do anything for your husband if you love him is to take it easy on him and don't treat him as a leper or a child throwing a temper tantrum as I find this only makes matters worse.......I also understand that it may be upsetting,bit always remember.....what we gave to our countries and what we endured was just a tad little bit more upsetting on what happened to our brother in arms.....our best friends......

Our family, because when you are in the field for days, and months and they are watching your six and your are watching their six and showering and living in shacks and sharing stories about their loved ones back home....we are not throwing temper tantrums because we are stuck in some anus of the world munching on desert sand washing it down with H2O to stay hydrated because we didn't have no damn luxury of a pillow top bed and air-conditioning, but rather living in some old stinking tent racking out on our air mattresses. Until you walk in any one of our combat boots and do want we were trained to do and see what was happening to one....or rather several of our own.......try not to be so judgmental.........I truly believe that a lot of theses articles on the net hold as much water as a screen door on a submarine.......writing an article on something that is book taught is quite a bit different than actually living it......BTW.......I do recall being debriefed by a civy with no battle experience what so ever....a lot to say on where facts come from!

Regards,
Dr.B