Childhood Dear Little Me

[lostforgottensoul]

I always knew you were there
Hurting, crying; please know i care
I could always feel you at night,
coming to the surface, filled with fright

I feel you with me more now
But I dont know how
To show you what i need to
For just you, just for you

I dont know how to love you
I dont know how to grieve you
My inner child, please know
For you, love is what i long to show

I know you are so filled with hurt
I dont know how to be your comfort
What they made you do
Please know i feel that pain too

I feel you crying
Dying
Screaming for anyone to hear
I hear you, i do my little dear

Filled with pain
Full of shame
You have nothing to be ashamed of
All you ever wanted was to be loved

I feel you in there
Please know how much i do care
I want you to know it wasnt your fault
We were victims of sexual assult

The cult shapped our mind
Sex, love, punishments all intertwined
We come on to everyone, family too
Because its what we're supposed to do

I feel you screaming, "i dont want to"
"god" says its what we're supposed to do
Prostituting as a child
Feeling so defiled

You didnt want to hurt animals
They forced you, they were the criminals
"Gizmo", the one you tried to make a pet
He forgives you, please never forget

Fear, terror & pain
I know you're ashamed
The cult shapped us what we are today
To everyone's dismay

I want to love you
I really really do
But dont you see
Loving you means...
i must love me

 

[Fadeaway]

Beautiful and brave

 

[Jnean]

Wow thank you for sharing. Your little me forgives you, understands, and knows that you are trying. I bet it was difficult writing that letter to your little me, but wow so.courageous. You are amazing. Hugs if you accept.

 

[bluebird]

Thank you. It was really beautiful and honest and brave.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Beautiful and brave

Thank you! I dont know about brave but thank you for that!

I used to write a lot of poerty, most datk but the poems ive written until age 18 were burned in the bon fire where all of the 'evidence' was burned. The ones after, i dont know if it would be worth sharing here.

This was my first attempt to talk to "her". Later there might be a letter, i dont know, but i couldnt seem to write a letter so this came out instead. Im sure the last two lines is why im struggling w/ showing "her" love.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wow thank you for sharing. Your little me forgives you, understands, and knows that you are trying. I bet it was difficult writing that letter to your little me, but wow so.courageous. You are amazing. Hugs if you accept.

Thank you!

I hope my inner child forgives me, understands, and knows im trying! Since she's part of me, im not sure about the forgiving part but the rest would be true.

My therapist said once "it sounds like im talking to an adult AND a child at the same time". "She" has been more present recently.

It wasnt very difficult to write, i just write whats in my head, it was difficult after. I woke up about every hour (at times less) last from nightmares...i do a lot of physical/voical things when i have or waking up from nightmares. I hate it, its like im living through it all every night!

Thank you! I dont know about couragous and certianly dont know about amazing but thank you!

I accept virtual hugs! Real ones are another story.. :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you. It was really beautiful and honest and brave.

Thank you! It was def honest, i dont know about brave. Most see things i dont though.

Thank you!

 

[Forgetful]

Very brave. True and honest. Filled with pain and conflict.

The last 2 lines - Loving you means...
I must love me.

WOW! That hit home for me. That's one of my big hurdles too.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

The last 2 lines - Loving you means...
I must love me.

Yeah, that was the biggest & deepest part for me too. When i write, even poetry, i dont think, i just write whatever comes out which is generally my truest pain.

 

[expectingbetter]

Your poem is beautiful, it is so heartbreaking that I have just started crying after reading the last lines.
Thank you for sharing.
I believe your inner child is safe now. It has you and that is just good enough.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have just started crying after reading the last lines.

Awww! Im sorry...i didnt mean to make you cry! :hug:

The last 2 lines are the most true...well its all true but thats the biggest struggle...

 

[expectingbetter]

Yeah, I got it immediately that those two are the hardest part, although it might look quite the opposite but only at the first glance.
That is the reason why I cried actually, but don't apology for making me cry, it was beneficial for me, to release some of mine pain, so thank you, and of course it only means how good point you made with your poem, quite amazing.

Sending you hugs :hug: