Depressed And Fighting Urge To Self Harm

[BloomInWinter]

If your 'urge' could actually scream a phrase - out loud - that could magically force an action to happen....what would that phrase be?

 

[catjudo]

Thanks all for your support. I'm really just continuing to keep myself busy and distracted. It's when I slow down the thoughts and urges start again. My parents arrived today for a visit (that is both good and bad at the same time) so at least I don't have the opportunity to cut. It's sort of leaving me a little more panicky because I know that I can't even if the urge becomes so much that I feel like I need to, but really it's for the best.

And no, they have no idea what I'm dealing with at the moment. I'm having to put on the fake happy-everything-is-okay-face.

 

[BloomInWinter]

If you sense your parents require a false front, would it be possible for them to stay elsewhere so you don't have to feel like that in your own home?

 

[catjudo]

Unfortunately, no. I'm the one who invited them here for the weekend (of course I made that invitation back at Christmas and couldn't predict how I'd be feeling now). They're here to help me with some things around the house.

Like I said, there are pros and cons to them being here. One of the cons is having to put on a false front. On the other hand, that's kind of a pro because it's keeping me from focusing on the confusing, overwhelming feelings that are making me feel the urge to cut. Pros and cons. I think in this case the pros outweigh the cons.

 

[Srain]

I don't know, sometimes logic feels overrated..just because things make sense mean you shouldn't have feelings about them.

The cons still exist despite not having the power to sway decisions.

I like the idea of screaming them away from time to time, but I am a bit mouthy by nature, I prefer by myself in a place that echos, it feels like power not powerless letting it go.

I don't truly understand the situation so please disregard any or all of this if it doesn't fit.

 

[kimba]

I also cut myself when things seem too overwhelming and out of control. I am not happy about it, but once in a while I really feel there is no other way to express myself. One thing that has helped is drawing on a sketchpad with colored pencils. This is inexpensive compared to possible problems from cutting and really allows myself both an energy outlet as I scribble fiercely and without pause like a kid, and use the ugliest colors I can find to represent my mood. It doesn't have to make sense and literally just be what it is- messy and confusing!

 

[Jezzryn]

The urge to cut is a very strong one (at least, it was always for me), so I understand your struggles. I originally started searching for another 'method' to achieve, what I got from cutting, because I was living with other poeple and I had to ( or had the feeling) that I had to hide, the wounds. I was always afraid of getting caught. My grandmother had seen it once, when I was living with her, and she was really terrified and upset. I didn't want that to happen again.

At first I switched to cutting my hair, forcing myself to make it look good and somehow I managed to control the cutting-urge. For a few years.
Recently these have resurfaced, so I was looking for new ways to cope and not cut and I have found, that if I watch or read something that makes me cry, and I cry so long and hard, that all I can do after is sleep, because I am so exhausted. If I have the urge again the next day, I repeat it or I try to do something that will put me in a good mood. I sort of juggle crying and happy until i feel sort of... centered? In the middle of both.

Sometimes I do something, that I do not really enjoy, but can do and 'accomplish' some things. Small things, but hey.

i think of you and hope you'll be able to overcome the urges.

 

[simplekindofgirl]

CatJudo- I really do not have much advice on this. Mostly because my harmful actions are different. I chain smoke when I get like that- and I am defensive about it too. My SO will make smart comments- Those things will kill you if you smoke so many that you are lighting the new one with the old one that is still lit. I just look at him and say, yeah, I keep trying. But I do indeed chain smoke on my worst days- its not the same as cutting. But unhealthy.

All I can say is- whatever it is that you're feeling, thinking- you do have this forum where nobody thinks any differently of you if you admit that you have this desire to self harm. I can not give any advice, other than to say that you are not alone in your feelings, that we here accept you just as you are no matter what, and that I really hope that you are ok. That you can fight that urge to self harm, and do something good for yourself instead.

Hugs to you.

 

[catjudo]

Grrrrrr! I just left my psychiatrist's office and I think I want/need to cut more now than I have at any other point in the past few weeks. I've been seeing this new psychiatrist less than two months. I'm so frustrated with him (obviously since meeting with him made me want to cut more instead of less). I'm not sure if we're never going to work well together or if it is just because I'm in a bad place right now and not the easiest patient. Hopeless and frustrated are not good feelings to have at the end of an appointment with your psychiatrist. I do know that the idea of trying a different new psychiatrist feels like more than I can handle so I'll probably stick it out with this one at least a little longer.

I've gotta find some distraction...need to cut...don't want to cut.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Tear paper
Scrub the floor
Clean a bathtub
Scream into a pillow

I haven't cut in a long time. When I did, it was to make the pain I felt on the inside more visible. I wasn't being heard. I wasn't listening to myself, I wasn't confronting the issues... I had just confronted my family about what I had remembered, they had accepted me back into the fold, and were in the process of moving on and pretending like it was all over... er... I suppose they were hoping it would be that simple. So was I.

It sounds like you weren't heard in T today. Like, the connection failed. That's frustrating.

I hope you find something satisfying to do that doesn't involve hurting yourself. ((((Catjudo)))))

 

[catjudo]

Thanks Muzik. I felt like I needed to cry but just couldn't get it out. I ended up curling up in bed and taking a nap for a couple of hours. I'm still feeling hopeless and frustrated. I'm still feeling overwhelmed by so many simultaneous feelings that I just can't sort out. But I'm also feeling less desperate. That urge to cut is in the back of my mind rather than feeling like something I have to do and may do at any moment without first thinking it through.

Scrubbing the floor or cleaning a bathtub...those would be productive ideas. I'll definitely keep those in mind for the next time I'm feeling that desperate. Although, I was feeling so frantic, I'm not sure I could have focused well enough. Could be I should just do those things without getting in such a bad place...because, well, those are things I need to do anyway! ;)

 

[Heather]

Catjudo - I'm a little late on this but when I would be fighting the urge to do it.... One of the things that I found useful was: holding ice in my hand. The ice is really, really cold and painful. It would take the place of cutting without actually doing any harm.

It's something to get you through that moment without actually cutting. I found it helpful. Maybe it will help you too?

Hugs. Heather