Depression Is My Security Blanket/happiness Makes Me Vulnerable

[open eyes]

Everything is going my way, but I'm scared to let myself be happy.

My trauma anniversary is June 22nd, & that's always been a HUGE trigger for me.

The last time I was "happy" was this time 3 years ago. That's when I let my guard down...

All of my hard work is paying off, but I can't let myself enjoy it. I feel like I'm self-sabotaging.

Anyone else struggle with this, or find a way to work through it?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can relate to the anniversary reaction. I hear you about how hard it is to be happy. I was never allowed to be happy as a child in a very cruel and abusive home.

It is safe now to allow yourself to be happy. It is a important part of your healing process.

I had a extremely difficult time being kind to myself for so many years and I wasted so many years in agony that proved needless and I am not saying you are doing this at all.

It is a process of paying attention to my needs and wants and my inner child has needs and wants and I am the only one who can give to myself. It takes time and a lot of practice but I it can be achieved. Do not give up on yourself. After all you have been through you certainly deserve to be happy. I hope for the day when you can allow this to happen for you.

It is so hard at first. I had a stuffed purple bunny that I liked to cuddle sometimes when I went to bed and I would fight myself to reach out for it and get it for myself.

Mabe in the past it was not allowed for you to be vulnerable and happy. But to heal we need to break the abusive rules of our childhoods. I wish you the best in this plan for your further healing and recovery.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/trauma-anniversaries-fact-vs-myth.13881/

 

[Leah123]

Oh yes, I can relate to the struggle to be happy. Happiness can (though doesn't always) trigger catastrophizing and bring up unpleasant memories for me: I'm just too good at being anxious. I counteract that by talking about it in therapy and doing small things to balance out that tendancy. Yesterday, for example, was feeling temporarily disillusioned about being happy, so I bought my favorite soap and tea while grocery shopping. Sometimes the small rituals, like that morning cup, or the sweet scent of almond soap are better at balancing my mood and helping me own "happy" than trying for anything drastic. Another tactic that helps somewhat is restructuring my thinking: I balance out my fear that I'm self-sabotaging with positive statements, because sometimes my fears of dropping the ball are exaggerated.

 

[Tinyflame]

The worst of things seemed to happen when I was most happy, I mean really happy and relaxed too, in that present moment. I have thought, maybe I was happy other times, but those were the salient ones, because of the bad happenings? But yes, I fear happiness. Quite a horrifying (feeling of) fear of what's coming down the pipe. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

I (personally) also don't know if I feel like I 'deserve' to be happy, (or deserve the things that bring happiness?). I definitely don't think 'happiness' is 'written in the stars' for everyone.

I also think it's different than gratitude.

Not sure if any of that is helpful!

:hug: @open eyes .

 

[Northgirl]

Depression for me is very comforting because it's familiar. I never really learned how to be happy so when I am it feels almost fake and is almost always ruined by something bad happening.

 

[Hashi]

I would suggest that it isn't happiness that makes you vulnerable, but your vulnerability that makes you vulnerable.

I really don't think this is as simple as depression v happiness. Perhaps it's something like, when depressed you withdraw and that keeps you safe. When you feel happier you go out into the world without adequate safeguards. If so, would that mean that happiness is the issue? Or that safeguards are the issue?

I think it's important to identify what the real issues are. That way, you can address them.